


Incendiary Relations

by GreyLiliy



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, Dubious Consent, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jealousy, M/M, Murder Kink, Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2008-11-12
Packaged: 2019-09-30 21:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 49,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17231756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyLiliy/pseuds/GreyLiliy
Summary: Kimblee discovers the benefits of having a drinking buddy, but what happens when it starts going farther?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First posted on my Fanfiction.net account on December 24, 2007, and while I don’t know the dates of everything in between, it was completed with Chapter 23 on November 12, 2008. Crossposted to Archive of Our Own on December 30, 2018. Original Author’s notes have been kept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because there is not nearly enough of Archer & Kimblee. I love them so much. XD

 

"So, you ever tried alchemy yourself, Archer?" The pale man turned his head in the direction of the voice addressing him as he sipped his cup of tea. Kimblee had slunk into his office from wherever it was he had disappeared to, apparently. The man had his uniform jacket open again casually, but Archer was still surprised that the man insisted on wearing one. Though, Archer probably should be keeping better track of where the mad bomber ran off to in his free time, but decided it wasn't worth provoking the man's temper. As far as he was concerned, as long as Archer didn't hear reports of things blowing up; they didn't. "What are you going on about now, Kimblee?"

The Crimson Alchemist smirked as he sauntered over to the man's desk and pulled himself up to sit on the edge. A neatly signed document crinkled beneath him as he made himself comfortable. Kimblee smirked while Archer frowned at it. Archer liked to work late, which was fine for Kimblee. It meant he could bother the man more openly without worrying about others in the office. Lying low from the other officers like Mustang was getting to be a real pain. Not that Kimblee enjoyed work, but the office and being with Archer was better than hanging out with Tucker all day. That guy was just plain creepy. "It was just a question."

Archer rolled his eyes and set his cup down precisely into it's place on the saucer dish. He pulled a paper out from a folder and scanned it quickly before deepening his frown. Hughes may have been efficient at his job, but that didn't mean anyone _else_ could understand half of his notes. It was taking Archer an eternity to sort out his files and if he found one more picture of his predecessor's daughter slipped between report pages he was going to scream. "No, I can't say that I have."

"Huh." Kimblee looked at the man as he read. The alchemist didn't understand how he could just sit there and read all those papers. Sounded boring to him. "Wonder what type you'd be good at. I'm having a hard time deciding. Maybe ice?"

"How so?"

"Well, Tucker's good at the bio stuff and I'm good at blowing stuff up." Kimblee tilted his head. With skin that pale and eyes that blue, ice definitely seemed to suit him best. "Somehow I can't see you doing either of those. Fire definitely wouldn't suit you. Yeah, ice."

Archer flipped another page over in his stack and closed the folder. He frowned when he realized Kimblee was sitting on the file he was going to sort next. "If you're so bored that you're figuring out my alchemy type, I'm sure I can find something for you to do, Kimblee."

"Psh, it's after hours." Kimblee smirked and looked down at the symbol on his palm. "Not everyone likes overtime."

"Overtime shows dedication which often leads to higher consideration for promotion." Archer reached for the edge of the folder and yanked it out from under the alchemist. He smirked inwardly when Kimblee almost fell off his desk from having his balance modified. "There's a chair right next to my desk. Feel free to use it."

"For someone so bossy you'd think you had alchemic abilities." Kimblee smirked and leaned over. He made sure his hand was flat in the middle of the file Archer had just opened. "Most normal people don't think to order around alchemists that can blow them up at a whim."

Archer raised an eye-brow at the lunatic; he took the man's hand by a finger and removed it from his papers. "You're not going to do anything."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You like being in the military and I'm the only way you can stay here."

Kimblee frowned. Man had a point. Hell, he betrayed Greed to get back into the service; so much for bluffing. "Fine, but I can still cause you trouble you don't want. After all, you need me just as much."

"Be that as it may, what is it that you want?" Archer looked up at those yellow eyes and frowned. As much as he hated to appease Kimblee, he really didn't need things around his house blowing up again. He was still pissed about his trash cans exploding last week. "Because if you're only here to pester me than sit over there so I can finish this paperwork."

"I'm bored."

"I guessed that much."

"So, I can either sit and play with you or go blow someone up." Kimblee smirked. "Which one would you prefer? Need I remind you one will involve a slew of investigative paperwork."

Sometimes Archer hated being in the investigation department of the military. He shoved his folders shut with an irritated huff. It was getting late anyway. "Fine, what did you have in mind?"

"I want to see you try alchemy."

"You want me to try what?"

Kimblee laughed at Archer's face. It was in a contorted mixture of confusion, shock and irritation and it looked out of place for a man who mostly either frowned or smirked. "I've been talking about you and alchemy for like ten minutes. Don't look so surprised."

"I've never tried alchemy before, what makes you think I'll be able to do anything?" Archer pushed back from his desk after stacking the papers he wanted to look at tomorrow. He plucked his uniform jacket from the rack next to the wooden desk and pulled it on slowly. He shrugged on his overcoat shortly after and briskly walked past Kimblee. "Why don't we just go out and get a drink instead."

"Ah, but it'll be fun. I'll even show you how to do it."

"I'm sure you're an amazing teacher." The sarcasm was hardly noticeable. Archer shook his head before grabbing his things at the front desk. "And where prey-tell shall we have these lessons?"

"At Tucker's lab, of course." Kimblee smirked and jumped off the desk himself to trail behind his superior officer. He was originally just curious how someone so interested in getting alchemists to work for him could not have experimented himself; but the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Why would you want to hire others to do something you could do yourself? Now, Kimblee just wanted to tease. The chances of Archer actually transmuting anything was slim, but it would be fun to watch. "And then when we blow stuff up no one will notice."

"I'm not blowing up anything, Kimblee." Archer snorted. "I'll leave that to you."

"Well aren't you thoughtful." The alchemist smirked and through an arm around Archer's shoulders. "I didn't know you cared."

"Kimblee."

"Yes?" The alchemist drawled out playfully in contrast to the grit way the other man had spoken his name.

"Shut up."

* * *

Shou Tucker sat in his lab thoughtfully. He was now free of the Homunculus, but now he was back in the hands of the military. The Sewing Life Alchemist wasn't sure which was worst, but on the bright side of things he no longer had assessments to worry about. A loud growl from the cage next to him disturbed his thoughts and he put a furry claw through the bar to scratch the dog's head. It seemed he and his furry companions had a visitor. "Lieutenant Colonel Archer, how nice to see you."

"Evening Tucker, how are the experiments going?" Archer shrugged off his overcoat as he entered the dark lab. At such short notice, a run down lab full of leaks and cracks in the walls was the best he could come up with for his latest acquisition. But it worked well enough as the cages full of beasts and other misfits testified. Besides, he doubted the large chimera of a man really noticed; all the complaints usually came from Kimblee. "The chimeras are coming along, I hope?"

"Oh yes, I'll have what you want in time. They'll be a wonderful defensive force." Tucker turned from his little stoop of a desk to turn to his new commanding officer. He frowned when he saw the other man, Kimblee, behind him. Last week he had blown up one of the prototype chimera for fun; a week's worth of efforts wasted for boredom. "And Kimblee is with you, I see."

"Howdy, old man." Kimblee smirked and walked over to a table and cleared off a space. "Archer's getting an alchemy lesson."

"Is that so?" Tucker hummed to himself.

Archer rolled his eyes. "We'll stay out of your way, so don't mind us."

"No explosions I hope." Tucker smiled softly as the man slipped off his coat and started rolling up his sleeves. Kimblee was rooting through a desk for paper and a pencil; Tucker assumed he was anyway.

"You and me both." Archer set his hands on the table. "Let's get this over with Kimblee."

"No need to be in such a rush. This is science, ya' know." Kimblee put some paper down on the table and pulled out a few pencils. "We'll do something easy."

"I still don't know why you're so fixated on this." Archer wondered briefly if Tucker kept any liquor around his lab. It seemed like he was going to need a glass. "What are you doing?"

"Drawing a transmutation circle, what's it look like?" Kimblee smirked and turned the page around. He tapped the circle with his finger as Archer watched it. "Copy that."

"Alright." The Lt. Colonel took a clean sheet of paper and pen and copied the circle apathetically. He frowned at his drawing; it wasn't exactly like Kimblee's, but it wasn't horrible either. "How's that?"

"A little crooked." Kimblee smirked. "Try it again. The circle's important!"

Archer huffed and tried it again more carefully this time. "What is this circle supposed to do?"

"You'll see." Kimblee grinned and crossed his elbows on the table. "Just draw it."

"Fine, fine." After about fourteen more tries, Archer finally produced a circle that Kimblee was happy with. It had taken him an hour, but he finally got the circle to perfection. "Alright, now what?"

Kimblee pulled his circle over and pressed his fingers against the circle. "Make contact with the circle, and then concentrate on the circle." He waited for Archer to mimic what he was doing before activating his circle. "Then, the transmutation should take place."

Archer frowned at his own circle as Kimblee's started glowing. How was he supposed to concentrate on a transmutation when he didn't even know what the circle was supposed to do in the first place? Archer decided to watch what Kimblee's did first before actually trying to activate anything. He could feel Tucker's eyes watching the two of them from the corner, but tried to put that thought to the back of his mind.

Kimblee smiled inwardly when he realized he had Archer's full attention; maybe the man was a bit interested for real. Archer the alchemist; that thought was almost funny. Kimblee couldn't picture Archer drawing circles for real. As the transmutation finished, Kimblee smirked and leant back with his arms crossed. "Tada."

"All that did was turn the paper black." Archer lifted an eyebrow before reaching over to the page. He pulled his hand away after touching it and looked at the black residue that rubbed off onto his fingers. Archer rubbed his forefinger and thumb together as he watched the substance spread and made note not to touch his coat. The Lt. Colonel was sure that it would be hard to get out of clothing. "Is that charcoal?"

"Yup. Changed it from plain paper to charcoal. Pretty neat, huh?" Kimblee pointed to Archer's circle and tapped it. "Now you try it."

Archer sighed. He wasn't sure of the point of this, but Kimblee looked pleased enough. The bomber almost looked eager to be sharing his knowledge with someone. Well, the faster Archer tried it, the faster he could get out of here and go home. The pale man put his fingers on the edge of the circle and took a breath. This couldn't be that hard, could it? "Alright, but we are not staying here all night if I can't do it."

Tucker rolled his eyes as the two fussed over the circles. Archer was frowning at the circle when it refused to even so much as glow. Kimblee may have claimed it was easy to accomplish, but changing paper into charcoal was actually required a fairly moderate amount of skill. Changing the paper into strips or folding it would have been easier. At the first burst of laughter and cursing, he assumed that Archer would eventually figure that out. In the meantime, Tucker turned to his own drawings. He had chimera to perfect. He had to do something to bide his time until he could get the proper resources to resurrect his dear Nina.

* * *

"Why are you following me, Kimblee?" Archer growled with his hands shoved in his pockets. That Kimblee had made a fool of him with that stupid paper trick. It had been nothing but a waste of time and it put Archer in a foul mood. He knew from the start that Archer wouldn't be able to transmute a thing. "You've had your fun, now let me go home in peace."

"What? Is it wrong to want to end the evening with a nightcap with my co-worker?" Kimblee smirked. Archer was pissed; he needed to relax more. "Or do you want me to say 'I'm sorry?'"

"You just want free liquor."

Kimblee skipped up the few feet and threw his arms around Archer's shoulders to fall flush with his back. The man tensed for a moment but relaxed soon enough. Kimblee smirked. "Guilty."

Archer stopped in front of his door to pull out his keys. Kimblee was still standing behind him with that smirk on his face that stated he was getting what he wanted no matter what his superior said. At least he had let go of his shoulders. Archer took a breath with his key in the door. "If a single thing gets charred, explodes, or any other form of damage takes place you'll regret it."

"I got it, I got it." Kimblee held his hands up in a reassuring manner; the transmutation circles on his palms canceled out any comfort the motion may have caused. "I'll leave your stuff alone."

"One drink." Archer's voice was clipped.

"You're so good to me."

"Shut up, Kimblee."

The first drink had been tolerable as he and Kimblee sat in relative silence with the shot glasses. Kimblee was behaving himself and the drink was warm and relaxed Archer into shrugging out of his uniform jacket. It was the sixth or seventh drink later that Archer realized he might need to acquisition better methods of making Kimblee do what he's told. The man had been rambling about the Ishbal war for the past hour and half after the first few drinks loosened his tongue. Archer was still working on his second glass of scotch; getting drunk around a psychotic bomber might not be in his best interest.

"And you should have seen them go boom! You would'a loved it ya' war freak. Blood ever'where!" Kimblee laughed, face flushed and water glass full of liquor in hand. He had ditched the tiny scotch glass three drinks ago. Kimblee swung his arm out in exaggeration as he continued his story. Archer was the first person he'd found who liked listening to his war stories. "I even found a bunch of 'um tryin' to escape...blew his arm off! Would've had more fun, but that idiot Grand was firing everywhere." Kimblee paused with a frown on his face. "Nearly hit me with those stupid canons, the bastard. No tact whatsoeva'-"

"That's all well and good, Kimblee." Archer interrupted and sat his drink on the side table and rubbed his eyes. "But it's late, if you'd be so kind as to head home so I can get some sleep."

"Back to the dorms?" Kimblee pouted for a moment before smirking and resting his chin on his hand. "No way, I think I'll just stay here."

"Kimblee." Archer growled as the man leant back onto his couch and stretched. "You can not stay here."

"Why not?" The man chugged the last of his scotch and absently set the glass on the ground next to the stiff couch. His hair was falling over his shoulder in the wrap; Kimblee played with it between his fingers. "I can stay right here and we'll go to work together tomorrow."

"For the last time, you can't come to work with me at the office." Archer stood from his seat. "If Mustang sees you he's going to throw a fit. You're not completely reinstated yet so you have to lie low or he'll get you thrown out before you're even in!"

"Fine, I'll leave after you and go back to my dingy little corner with Tucker." Kimblee snorted and snuggled deeper into the couch. He swung his feet up onto the side. "But for right now, I'm staying right here."

"Go home."

"I could always steal your bed, I think I'm being mighty considerate volunteering for the couch."

Archer looked into those glazed eyes and considered his options. The man was drunk, there were traces of irritation and challenge behind his gold eyes, and Kimblee's uniform was rumpled. It was also three in the morning and Archer was too tired for this. "Do what you want."

Kimblee smirked as the man finally undid the top button on his shirt and headed for the back of the room. Yawning loudly into his hand, Kimblee closed his eyes and fell asleep on the Lieutenant Colonel's couch. Archer was going to get him the rank of Lieutenant Colonel when he was reinstated properly, so he could give the man a break. For now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roy snuck his way in. I'm not sure how; but he did. Ah well, it's Roy so I can forgive him. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

 

Kimblee was bored. He'd been awake since Archer awoke and got ready for work, but pretended to sleep on the couch. It was more fun watching the other man go through his morning routine than to interrupt it. After all, if he knew the routine, he'd know the best ways to mess with it later. Kimblee made note to visit Archer before work one day and mess with him (not to mention steal his breakfast; it had smelled delicious). Archer was too uptight and one could see that much just from his morning routine.

Kimblee heard the alarm ring once. The man had gotten out of bed and reset his alarm clock before it had a chance to ring twice. The sound of running water could be soon very shortly after and Kimblee wondered how Archer managed that. He usually was too groggy in the mornings; in fact he was groggy while listening to the water from the couch. It was only his confusion about how quickly the alarm was shut off that kept him awake. He must have dozed off for a bit for real, though, because the next thing he remembered was water running in the kitchen as Archer washed his breakfast dishes. (So much for stealing any breakfast...) The man had his coat on and was out the door right at seven thirty.

Kimblee crawled off the couch at around twelve and started rummaging through shelves to look for cereal or something that didn't require turning on the stove to fix. He found success in a box of bran flakes after about twenty minutes sorting through oatmeal and grits.

Which he blew up into a thousand tiny flake bits before whistling his way out of Archer's front door.

The Crimson Alchemist stretched his arms up over his head before rolling his shoulders and yawning all in one smooth motion. He still had at least another five hours to kill before the office was empty and he could roam around the base freely. Though, if he had it his way he'd just run around there now out in the open. It wasn't his fault the other alchemists like the Flame and Strong Arm had no back bones. They had no appreciation for the finer things like extinguishing a living thing slowly on a battlefield.

But then there was Archer. Now, the man was a neat-freak, ass-kissing freak, but you could tell there was something more when you looked him in the eyes. Archer _liked_ war. He _liked_ things that involved killing, battles, and the fiery explosions that created heroes and generals. Archer was like General Grand, but with more tact and skill. The man couldn't actually fight himself, so he was less likely to lose his head in the battle and concentrate on commanding troops. That meant he could do more of the important things – like letting Kimblee blow everyone up instead of trying to do it himself.

Things were always more pleasant when you weren't competing with your commanding officer for kills. That was just common sense.

* * *

"Major, could you do me a favor?"

"Sir?" Major Alex Louis Armstrong turned to look down at his new co-worker. He knew it was for the best, but his placement in the man's care still left him feeling odd. Archer was, for lack of a better description, a monster. The fact he had left Dublith with Kimblee and Tucker in tow was proof. It was a shame he could not inform Mustang about that without throwing his cover. Mustang would never let something like that slide even if he was trying to stay covert with his own investigations. As much as it left a bad feeling in his gut, it was for the best if Mustang found out about Kimblee and Tucker when the rest of the military did. "What do you need, sir?"

"Would you please file these papers for me in the records room? I'd send one of the sergeants but they're all occupied at the moment." Archer spoke without looking up from his desk. Better to give the Major something to do and get him out of the office before he could go on about his family or rip off his shirt. The bits of fabric were always a pain to clean up from the floor. "And while you're down there, see if you can't get the reports for that harassment case that came up in unit four yesterday. We're supposed to have it reviewed by Friday and I haven't had a chance to get it myself yet."

"Harassment case, sir?" Armstrong hadn't heard anything about any major harassment cases that would require the court marshall investigations department.

Archer shrugged. "Something about rape. It's been kept pretty quiet as I understand it involves a few higher ups."

"Ah, yes sir. I'll get those right away."

Archer returned the salute before watching the bulky man head out the door. Archer let out a sigh and leant back in his chair. If patterns continued, he had about an hour to finish all his work before Kimblee bust into his office demanding to be entertained. The man had his uses, but this edgy need-to-be-doing something attitude of his was starting to wear thin on Archer's nerves. There had to be some way to keep the man occupied without sacrificing Tucker's lab to explosions.

"Archer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Ah, Colonel Mustang. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Archer smiled politely as the man walked into the office with a stack of papers that he very rudely slammed on his desk. His eyes shifted down to read the cover of the report and smirked. "Is there some problem with that report? I reread it twice and everything seemed in order. It just needs your signature in a few places to confirm a few inquiries."

Roy Mustang glared down at the man sitting behind Hughes' desk. That greasy, pale bastard had some nerve just sitting there smiling like nothing was wrong. How he ever got promoted was beyond this colonel. Mustangs fingers itched together and he found himself heating the air around him reflexively. There were no flames, but the threat of them was in the air. "I want to know why Hughes' investigation is being dropped."

"Colonel, I know the passing of Brigadier-General Hughes has been hard on everyone, but there isn't anything left to investigate. There's no further evidence to investigate and we have other matters that need attending and man power." Archer's voice was smooth and calm; a distinct contrast to the nerves that were clearly twitching on the Colonel in front of him. He breathed in the slowly warming air and almost smirked. It wasn't everyday you got under the Flame Alchemist's skin; he was usually level headed. "Unless something new shows up, the case needs to be put on hold. However, if my commanding officer seems to believe that the case needs to remain open, perhaps he has some information?"

"Gathering information is your job." Mustang calmed himself; he knew a bait when he saw it. "I suggest you look harder and I expect another _revised_ report in a week."

"Of course, sir." Archer stood and saluted before Mustang walked out and slammed the door. The man was so touchy and the air was still moist with heat. "What are all of you looking at?"

The rest of the office started up with their work immediately after the snarl. The investigations department was full of voyeurs. Archer took the stack of papers tossed on his desk and tapped them back neatly into place. There was no need to redo the paperwork; he'd just return it in to his superior at the end of next week. It's not like new information would just fall into his lap. Mustang would just have to learn his friend was dead and get on with it. How on earth would they learn to work together side-by-side otherwise?

* * *

Kimblee smirked at the lad wriggling under in his hand. He tightened his grip around the small throat and smirked. So the pick-pocket thought he could get away scott free for attempting to rob a state alchemist, did he?

The alchemist had been minding his own business walking down a street in central enjoying the occasional look of confusion from civilians and military personnel alike. Most didn't recognize him, or wondered why he was wearing his uniform when he had time off in the middle of the afternoon; far past the lunch hour. And then some brat decided to bump into him, or so what it looked like. Kimblee felt the wallet lift, but he had been faster. It was simple enough when your opponent was unskilled. God above he missed Ishbal; now that was some real fun. "Ah? But I thought you wanted to play with me? That's why your hands were in my pockets, right?"

"Plea...srgh." The boy choked out as he kicked and pulled at the hand around his neck. He knew trying to steal from a military officer was dumb. He just didn't know how dumb. Though, he had expected to have been arrested, not strung up by his throat in an alley far from the street and any by-passers.

"I can't hear you." Kimblee pinched the throat tighter with a sly smirk. The youth's face was turning blue and his eyes were dilating in the fear. He was young, but old enough to know better about what he had done. His eyes were green and hair pale. Kimblee would have to remember the details for when he told Archer about this. Surely the other man would be interested in the slow suffocation of the scum of Central. Even more so since this boy's particular death would probably end up on his desk as a case to investigate either for his youth or cause of death. "You'll have to speak up."

All the lad could manage was a few breathy groans and Kimblee continued to smirk while watching the colors change under his skin. Though, watching a boy squirm and struggle was only so much fun for long. The man let out a relieved sigh as he was dropped and the officer clasped his hands together with a pleasant smile. He suddenly was very scared again when both hands were pressed into his chest. The man leant in close to his ear and he thought he could feel his breath stop. "Did you know that all the components you need to build a bomb are in the human body?"

* * *

"Is that blood on your uniform?" Archer sunk into his chair and dragged a hand down his face. Kimblee had shown up on cue at six o'clock in the empty office with an overly pleasant expression on his face. If Archer didn't know him better, he'd think the man had gotten laid. But the blood spattered in various places told him something much more orgasmic had happened. There was even a few drops above his eyebrow on the left side. "Never mind. Just tell me what street so that when the report shows up on my desk I can mark it 'unsolved' and be done with it."

"It was just a pick-pocket." Kimblee was grinning inside. The first half of the day may have been boring as sin, but the second half was definitely better. And not being scolded for his behavior was even better. "You done with work yet?"

"Almost, why?"

"Let's go get a drink." Kimblee started unbuttoning his top-coat to let some air flow through his clothes. Archer's office was rather stuffy today. "Do you have the heat on or something?"

"Hmm? Sorry, Colonel Mustang paid me a just a moment ago. He must have been heating the air to keep a hold on his temper." Archer could feel the small smirk fall onto his face. Getting that man all heated up had been fun. "In any case, are you paying? You did drink me out of a full bottle of scotch last night."

"Well, I might just be in a good enough mood to treat." Kimblee smirked and cocked his hip out to put a hand on it. "You'll have to tell me where you bought it or suggest a place with some privacy."

"Why? It's just a drink." Archer opened a drawer to put some papers away. "I doubt if anyone cares that two officers are going out drinking together."

"You want everyone to know about the guy I blew up today? Wow, you have some confidence there, sir."

Archer rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat. "And why would I want to hear about that?"

"Because you like it."

"I like war."

"Death is death." Kimblee almost pouted at the indifference in attitude. He followed the man outside of the office regardless. He was still looking for some sign the man was interested. He couldn't have been wrong about that. Archer liked hearing his stories; Kimblee was sure. "Besides, don't you want the full details so you can sound smarter on the report when you do that whole 'it looks like this was caused by' thing?"

"Owen's Bar on Fifth usually has a few private booths if you're insisting." Archer shrugged into his coat and held back the yawn. "But we are not staying up late like yesterday. I almost didn't wake up this morning."

Kimblee balked. "What are you talking about? You were up at the first annoying alarm screech."

"So you were awake. I figured as much."

"That didn't answer my question."

"The alarm's only a precaution. Normally I wake up before it goes off."

"You're a freak, you know that?"

"Coming from the man who blew up a pick-pocket today without a second thought."

"But that was fun."

"I'm sure."

Kimblee laughed anyway at the straight-faced response and threw his arm around Archer's shoulder as they walked down the hall. He was starting to like having a drinking buddy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame redwalgrl-RG and her story A Little Thing Called Love for Roy. There won't be any actual Roy x Archer, but I want Jealous Kimblee to rear his ugly head in future chapters and it seems like as good as catalyst as any.
> 
> Besides, redwalgrl-RG likes that pairing and I think she's my only reader. So we'll just dedicate the jokes and references to her. Thanks for reading and reviewing, redwalgrl-RG!
> 
> And to everyone else reading and staying quiet, thanks to you, too. :D

 

"Are you here to see Lieutenant Colonel Archer?"

Kimblee stared at the corporal sitting to the desk closest to Archer's. The man was scrawny and blonde and had a cheerful grin on his face. He looked to be the only one left in the office at five-thirty and was sorting through paperwork. The alchemist was sure the confusion was leaking onto his face as he stared at the overly cheerful man. Kimblee wasn't expecting to see anyone else other than his favorite closet war fanatic; normally Archer was the only one who chose to work overtime. Kimblee shoved his hands into his pocket and glared at Archer's empty desk as if it was mocking him. Somehow he did manage to reply to the corporal. "If I am?"

The corporal looked up at the man and took in the gold eyes, black hair in a pony tail and slightly ruffled uniform. He fit the description the Lieutenant Colonel had given him. He smiled as he set his papers down; there was no mistake. "Are you Lieutenant Colonel Kimblee?"

"Yes. Why?" How'd that corporal know who he was? It's not like Archer was going around singing his praises. In fact, the man was trying his hardest to make sure that no one knew he was there. Something about more exciting to reveal him at the opportune moment in battle or something. Kimblee hadn't been listening too closely when the man was ranting about his future plans over liquor. "What's it to you?"

"Lt. Colonel Archer said you might show up when he was on his way out of the office." The corporal smiled. He was sort of glad this Kimblee had shown up; otherwise Archer had asked him to stay in the office overtime for nothing. "Lt. Colonel Archer' went down to the shooting range around four o'clock. He's probably still there if you want to catch him."

"Uh, thanks." Kimblee shoved his hands into his pockets and wandered out of the office and into the hallway. He paused momentarily to try and remember where the shooting range was before heading off on his way. His visits to the office must have gotten predictable if Archer was leaving lackey soldiers to give him messages. Maybe he should start showing up earlier in the morning.

On the bright side, he was now reinstated as a full-fledged Lieutenant Colonel. Archer still wouldn't let him show his face in places where the Flame Alchemist might see him because of previous mentioned plans of glory, but that was okay. He sort of understood the reasoning behind that at least. Though he didn't like it. Kimblee just didn't like the Flame Alchemist period. He was cutting into his Archer time. Ever since Archer refused to reopen that case for that one Hughes guy Mustang had been breathing down the investigations department head every second he could get. Archer was now forced to physically take papers into Mustang's office and convince him to sign certain documents for approval.

It pissed Kimblee off because Mustang would never sign so Archer had to do his work after hours to make up for the lost time. Which meant that Kimblee either had to sit quietly bored in a corner or leave. Archer got pissy in a bad way when he was working. He didn't get angry or yell; he just glared and ignored Kimblee. The Crimson Alchemist hated being ignored for paperwork that could have been done earlier in the day if some hot-headed Alchemist would just do his job.

The sound of shots firing broke Kimblee out of his internal bout of ranting. Seems he had reached the firing ranges while lost in thought. That worked as well as anything else; at least Kimblee hadn't gotten lost. The Crimson Alchemist headed over to click his heels before the front of the check-in-desk. "Is Lieutenant Colonel Archer here?"

"Hmm?" The desk clerk looked up at the scruffy man in front of her. She spied a watch chain by his pocket; an alchemist. The young lady coughed a bit before looking down at the sign in list and pressed a finger to the page. "Yes, he's on lane four." The woman reached her hand under a desk to pull out a pair of headphones. "You'll need these."

Kimblee snorted. If his hearing wasn't shot from all those explosions yet than a gun shot or two wasn't going to do anything. "I'll be fine."

"Suit yourself."

Archer had just finished emptying his third clip into the defenseless target at the end of the shooting range when he lowered his arm to stare at the target. His game was really off to have missed so many from dead center. Archer made up his mind to practice more. He clicked off the empty clip into the stack before reaching for the next. After the day he had with Mustang and trying to get that rape case signed and approved was a nightmare. It was just his luck that the guilty parties worked under Mustang. It wasn't even a valid charge; that Havoc guy was innocent. You'd think Mustang would be faster to sign the papers stating his personal hand picked crew was innocent. Not that anyone would believe Havoc raped the Lady General anyway.

It was more believable that Archer and Mustang were having a steamy affair in his office.

Archer smirked at his own pun and emptied his third clip into the target. Pretending that the flat piece of paper was Mustang was a surprisingly good motivator for hitting the dead center of the target. However, it also meant he was a tad more trigger happy than usual. Archer almost pouted when he heard the tell-tale click of an unloaded gun. He did pout when he realized that meant he hadn't been counting his rounds. A fatal error if there ever was one.

"Wow, you're a pretty good shot." Kimblee whistled as he walked up behind the stony man. He knew Archer liked guns, but he hadn't realized the man might actually be a good shot. "Maybe I should have been more worried when you had a gun on me in Dublith."

"Don't patronize me, Kimblee." Archer huffed as he reloaded his weapon, or tried to. "Hmm, I'll be right back. I need another clip. Switch the target with a new one for me. The pulley for the rope is over there."

Kimblee frowned at the other man's back, but reached up to start pulling the string anyway. He took his time and the little clip holding the paper came closer bit by bit as he manipulated the rope and pulley. Once it got close enough to get a good look, Kimblee smiled. There were a lot of holes in that thing; Kimblee looked down at the ground to see about two other targets pegged with just as many and almost laughed. Three empty clips also spoke volumes. "Damn, the army's going to run out of ammo if you keep going at this rate."

"Please, the army has plenty of bullets." Archer snorted as he snapped the next clip into place and waited for Kimblee to put the new target on the hanging clip. "Besides, Lieutenant Hawkeye goes through far more of these clips than I just used in her office when Mustang is being lazy."

* * *

"Dammit! What was that for!?" Roy shouted as he held his ear. "You almost nicked my ear with that one."

The woman glared. "I'm well aware that you and Lieutenant Colonel Archer are having difficulties, but squabbling over that case with Havoc was too much. Sir."

"I was going to sign it. I just made him wait, it's not like it needed to be turned in today." Mustang huffed. "I don't trust that man. If I cause trouble for him maybe he'll be too frustrated to work on whatever it is he's scheming."

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Or maybe he'll hate you even more and be more dedicated to whatever it is."

"I doubt he could hate me any more than he does." Mustang muttered. "Speaking, have we heard from Armstrong lately? I just have to sign papers, the Major has to actually work with that man on a regular basis."

"Yes, at the moment he's inspecting one of the labs. Something about suspected chimeras that Archer is behind."

"That can't be a good thing."

"No, I'm lucky I got that much information out of him." Hawkeye paused. "If he's willing to tell us that much it must have him worried."

"I agree." Mustang paused and folded his fingers together. "Perhaps I should inform Armstrong to keep close tabs on our dear friend Archer. The Investigations Department shouldn't have any need for chimera. He's plotting something, now I'm sure of it."

"Sir." Hawkeye saluted. "But that still doesn't excuse you from why you did that to Havoc. He was sweating for hours over those papers."

"Please, we all know he was innocent." Mustang snorted and almost. "There's a better chance that Archer and I get caught making out on my desk than him actually raping that General."

"Don't be crude, sir." Hawkeye shuttered. "There are some thoughts that can't be removed once you've thought them."

"Didn't know you were into that sort of thi-dammit!" Mustang ducked as the bullets flew over his head one by one. "I was joking!"

"I'm taking my leave now, Sir."

"Dismissed." One of these days Mustang was going to take her gun. Granted, it was the day he decided to have a death wish; but he would do it.

* * *

"I don't see the point of this." Kimblee snarled as he looked down at the smoking gun. Archer was leaning against the wall guard with a smirk on his face as he watched Kimblee miss the target repeatedly. Cocky bastard. "I'm an alchemist. If I want to take down my enemy I'll just transmute them into a bomb!"

Archer licked his lips. Payback was such a bitch; but boy was it fun. Archer looked to the back wall at the end of the range and smirked. There were plenty of new bullet marks on the wall, but not so many on the paper. Kimblee was truly a horrible shot. "I tried alchemy. It's only fair."

"Oh shut up." Kimblee rose the gun again and fired. It wasn't his fault he was out of practice! Even when he was in the service he blew things up before he shot a gun. Hell, most alchemists didn't even bother with the things. Kimblee pulled the trigger before grinning and turning to Archer. He pointed at the hole in the piece of paper located neatly next to the center and could hear the excitement leaking into his voice. "See there. I hit it."

"Very good, do you want a cookie?" Archer laughed at the snarl that followed from the other man. He covered his mouth to hide the smile from the other man and looked at the lonely little bullet hole on the pristine piece of paper. "Oh come on, I'm not allowed to make a joke?"

"It wasn't funny." Kimblee looked down at the gun in his hand and smiled. Bullets had gun powder and there were plenty of elements in the gun itself. Heck, it was practically a bomb already; Kimblee was just giving it that extra push. "But I've got a good sense of humor, too."

Archer rose his eyebrows at that and looked down at the gun which was now glowing slightly. "Oh shit! Don't!" But it was too late. Kimblee had tossed the gun towards the end of the range and Archer had to duck down beneath the counter ledge to dodge the shrapnel that had flung off of the back wall from the force of the explosion. "Kimblee you moron! What the hell are you doing!?"

"Destroying the target." Kimblee whistled and put his hands to his hips. "Blew him away. So much more efficient if you ask me."

"This is a _shooting_ range, Kimblee." Archer could see red and was gripping the cuff of Kimblee's uniform before he could help it. He gave the man a good shake for emphasis but snarled deeper when that stupid smirk never left his face. "A _military_ shooting range. Are you insane?"

"I can't believe you just asked that." Kimblee laughed sadistically as the hands tightened around the fabric of his uniform jacket. "Don't you know already?"

"For the love of..." Archer groaned and released one hand from the man's cuff to hold his eyes and take a deep breath. "You are impossible."

"You're the one who wanted me so bad." Kimblee so helpfully reminded him. It was a true statement after all; Archer had come to him requesting his services. "Are you regretting your decision?"

"Don't even start." Archer huffed. "That usefulness I saw in you is started to pale in comparison with the trouble you cause."

"Hey! Is everything alright back here? I heard an explosion." The desk clerk shouted as she turned to the back. She saw a lot of smoke, a lot of target fragments everywhere and two officers very close to each other. One looked amused and the other angry; that couldn't be good.

Kimblee frowned at the intrusion of the third party. He was finally getting a decent reaction out of Archer's temper and now this little girl was interrupting. He had have a mind to blow her up-

"Don't even think about it."

Kimblee laughed as Archer gave him a particularly icy evil eye. "Wouldn't dream of it."

Archer cleared his throat and released Kimblee to straighten his own uniform and put a pleasant smile on his face. (Well, he thought it was pleasant no matter how many people said it was creepy.) He tried to also smooth his hair down, but Archer frowned when his hand met a piece of scorched paper. He tossed it aside quickly. "I do apologize. There was a little disagreement with the firearm."

"It went boom." Kimblee added in his two cents with a laugh and with the 'innocent' spread of his arms displaying his transmutation circles.

Archer watched in dismay as the woman paled slightly. Clearly Kimblee needed a lesson in tact and lying low. There was no doubt in his mind that Hawkeye woman was going to hear about the explosion in her range and then she'd no doubt tell that bastard Colonel of hers. He needed a moment alone with the woman to make sure this event didn't leave the range. "I assure you, it was a one time event and I will make sure all damages are handled and paperwork filed, miss."

"Alright, sir." The woman's reply was hesitant, but she would much rather leave the area. Those golden eyes from the alchemist were staring at her and she didn't like it. It was so predatory; like he was eyeing a piece of meat for the slaughter. "I'll leave it to you then."

Archer waited for the woman to scamper off around the corner before he turned on Kimblee in a whirl. He shoved a well-manicured finger in the man's face and made sure his voice was low and serious. "If you do something that stupid again so help me I'm throwing you to Tucker and letting him turn you into a Chimera. Is that understood?"

Kimblee had to bite his lip to keep from laughing and just nodded; not trusting his own voice. Archer's eyes were practically slits in his fury and they looked an even more vibrant shade of blue than usual. Like blue fire burning brightly. Not getting a response, Archer took a step back and followed the clerk out of the office, probably to fill out some paperwork or make sure she kept her mouth shut. Either way, Kimblee shoved his hands back into his pockets and grinned. "I love it when he's angry."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Colonel Mustang. You have no idea who you're ticking off without even knowing it. And I'm growing more and more fond of Shou Tucker every minute.
> 
> Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

Shou Tucker sat at his table desk thoughtfully as his commanding officer started to stroll down the stairs. The usual smirk was starting to fall from Archer's face the father he got into the room. Normally he had a full smirk, if not something close to a smile when he visited Tucker. Fully functioning Chimera for battle seemed to be a dream of his and seeing them coming along put the other man in a good mood. "Hello."

"Yes, good evening, Tucker." The blue-eyed man stopped in front of one of the larger cages along the wall and tilted his head while tapping the bars roughly with his foot. Archer stared down at the chimera growling before him with a frown. All he had done was kick the cage when he walked by and the thing curled up in a corner scared and cowering. Originally it looked scary enough as some odd mix between a giant cat and a dog-lizard thing growling, but it took so little to have it flinch. "Tucker, even if you are making these for defense these are rather pathetic."

"Well, it's not complete yet. It's in quite a bit of pain." Tucker mumbled while tilting his head off to the side to avoid looking at Archer's upset face. It wouldn't due to let him know that he was working on his Nina instead of the chimera today. "I'm thinking of morphing that poor creature with something more fierce to even it out with its natural strength."

"I should hope so." Archer huffed and walked over to the desk and nearly rolled his eyes. "Kimblee, stop sneaking around back there. I know you're here."

"Ah, you're no fun." Kimblee smirked as he stepped out from behind a cage close to Archer. He had been hoping to jump the man and startle him, but Archer seemed to be a few steps ahead. That was good; kept Kimblee on his toes. "I've been very good today, I'll have you know. Isn't that right, Tucker?"

"Yes, nothing's exploded today."

"Ah, well let's keep it that way. I need these chimera in tip top shape and ready for a moment's notice." Archer smiled thoughtfully and walked back past Kimblee to look at the chimera again. With a cat head, it was almost cute. Archer squat down and reached his hand into the cage and snapped his fingers to focus its attention. The chimera slowly scooted closer to the bars until it could lick the fingers. "The situation in Lior is getting worse and worse every day. We'll be shipped out to take care of it soon. I just know it."

Kimblee watched the man sitting on his heels with his hand in the cage of a beast without so much as a touch of hesitation. Archer had a small, quirky smile at the sides of his lips. Whether it was from amusement at the chimera or joy from the thoughts of war, Kimblee wasn't sure. What he did know, was that it was sort of cute. In a crazy-man sort of way. However, before Kimblee could comment on the odd behavior he watched Archer stand and brush the dirt off his knees.

"Well, I'll leave you to it." Archer sighed inwardly and took a breath. He was not looking forward to the next few hours. "But I need to go. The Führer wants Mustang and I to look at some project he put together this afternoon. I'm not even sure what project would require our two offices to work together, but if the Führer requests it I shall go and suffer through it." Archer turned to the two men in the room over his shoulder when he reached the lab door. "Try to behave yourselves."

"See you later, Lieutenant Colonel." Tucker rasped alongside a tiny wave of his furry paw. The chimera watched thoughtfully before looking down at the failed experiment in the cage. Tucker walked over and stuck his fingers through the cage. "Liked Archer did you? Well, you may not be what he wants but at least you didn't bite him."

"I kinda wish the little freak job had bit him." Kimblee snorted and pouted. He was about to ask Archer if he wanted to skip work and hang out since he was spending time in the lab anyway. But the man had to go work with _Mustang_ for some reason. The idea Kimblee was getting dumped for that other Alchemist rubbed him the wrong way. "Then I could blow it up without worry."

Tucker cringed as the Crimson Alchemist towered over him. Or seemed to, Kimblee was a few feet shorter than him but the man was intimidating. "You're in a bad mood."

"No more than usual."

Tucker looked over at the alchemist and smirked slightly. Kimblee may not have know how much, but the man was pouting and looking like a kicked puppy. He had been chatty about their Lieutenant Colonel the entire time he was in the lab and only got excited when Archer actually showed up. And now that the stern military man had left to see the Flame Alchemist, Kimblee was radiating what Tucker might label jealousy. Even if he saw it upside-down, it was plain to see. "It seems this little one isn't the only one fond of the Lieutenant Colonel."

Kimblee snarled down. Tucker was a freak who saw the world upside down. What did he know about whether or not Kimblee liked someone? Archer was fun to play with – that was it. "What are you getting at?"

"Nothing." Tucker smiled slyly and made sure his face was directed towards the little chimera curling in the corner. It could sense Kimblee's anger. "Just making an observation."

"You need to get your eyes checked." Kimblee huffed and started to stomp out of the lab. Tucker was crazy. "Have fun with your pets."

"Have a nice day."

* * *

"That man is insufferable." Mustang huffed as he tossed a file of papers on the desk. They sprayed out slightly as they smacked the wood. The Flame Alchemist continued on his track around the desk to collapse in his chair and let his anger smolder not so quietly.

Hawkeye reached over to pick up the offending file to straighten and read the first few pages. She pulled a few strands of her bangs back behind her ears to get them out of her face before flipping another page. "It couldn't have been that bad, sir."

"It was worse." Mustang huffed and ruffled his black hair with the frustration. The past hour had been horrible stuck between the two men as one sucked up and the other smiled at him with both his mouth and his eye. It was distrubing. "And Archer isn't any better."

Hawkeye paused. "So how badly did the meeting with Führer Bradley and Lieutenant Colonel Archer go?"

"I guess it could have been worse." Mustang sighed as he pulled open his drawer and threw his alchemy gloves in them from his pocket. He hadn't needed them like he had hoped. "But I still don't like it."

"What did he want, sir?" Hawkeye hummed as she read over the papers. "This is just a list of recruits."

"You got it." Mustang sighed and leant into his chair. Hawkeye was still reading through the papers and Mustang considered asking for her help with this assignment. The Flame Alchemist stopped the outline of her firearm under her jacket and decided against it. Working with Archer wasn't _that_ bad. "The Führer wants me and Archer to train some new recruits in a different form of battle combat as an experiment to improve boot camps. Something about them not being as prepared and need to keep up with the alchemists."

"But why you two? I think it's obvious you two don't work well together. Wouldn't Major Armstrong have been a better choice?" Hawkeye made note of which recruits had records and who was good with firearms. There were quite a few good soldiers in this folder.

"Armstrong will be assisting Archer manage the troops since it's a sizable number." Mustang started to rub his eyes as Hawkeye stood attentively next to his desk, nose still flipping through folders. He wondered if she'd let him out of work early to go get a drink. "Archer was chosen because he's been hinting he wants to be more involved in the active troops and less with office paperwork. Apparently the Führer wants to humor him."

"And you?"

"I'm there to supervise as a soldier with an extensive battle history." Mustang licked his teeth. "I'm baby sitting Archer to keep him from getting too power happy, in other words."

"However, sir. Though that may be," Hawkeye closed the folder with a snap and turned towards her Colonel as he started to slink farther in his seat.

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"This doesn't mean you can skip out on your other duties."

"Beast." Mustang pouted.

* * *

"It's my treat." Archer insisted as he pushed Kimblee out of his office with as close to a happy smile that was possible for the normally chilly man. There was absolutely nothing that was going to ruin his good mood today! Even putting up with Mustang had been worth the aggravation. "The Führer mentioned a very nice place to get drinks and supper today after Mustang left. It would be nothing less than dishonorable to not visit."

"You're certainly happy." Kimblee muttered as the man brushed past him, clearly tired of waiting on the slow alchemist, and started humming down the hallway. "I thought you were hanging out with Mustang."

"I was."

Kimblee felt a slight stabbing in the middle of his chest at that reply. Hanging out with Mustang put Archer in such a good mood? Archer was usually tolerant at best when he went out with Kimblee _for fun_ and he was practically glowing because of paperwork or something with _Mustang._ The man's golden eyes started to narrow slightly at the man's back and he could feel his palms gripping tightly. Kimblee suddenly had the urge to blow something up. Preferably something that bled.

"Though that's not why I'm in such a pleasant mood, of course." Archer chuckled. "The Führer is finally starting to notice my talents."

"Huh? Weren't you doing paperwork or something?" Kimblee almost tripped over his feet. The heavy weight that was plucking at places he could have sworn were impenetrable was lifted slightly. The fact whatever made him happy still involved Mustang in some way shape or form still irked the Crimson Alchemist. "How would that make you happy?"

"It's not paperwork. For once." The latter part of the sentence was muttered. Archer turned to look at Kimblee trailing behind him and smirked at the man's confused look. "I was chosen to help train new recruits for war. I'm getting my own unit to command and this is my chance to prove that I can lead."

Kimblee licked his lips and shook his head at the excited man. He gave him a swift pat on the shoulder and shoved his hand into his pocket. Leave it to Archer to lighten his mood. "You're so anxious to go to war."

"There's nothing like it." Archer took in a breath and he was suddenly back on the field in the middle of explosions and the firing of rifles. "I loved every moment of it."

Kimblee stopped in the middle of the hallway shocked. Archer was an office junkie. "What war were you in?"

Archer turned back and Kimblee and rose an eyebrow. He shook his head and took into account that Kimblee was missing a few watts in that lightbulb he called a brain. Archer continued on his merry way down the hallway to the front door. A glass of fine wine with an enjoyable atmosphere was calling his name. He had hoped for good conversation as well, but you couldn't win them all. "Ishbal, what else?"

"Hey, wait up!" Kimblee jumped a bit and started to sprint to catch up to Archer after his moment of pause. The man walked fast when he wanted to! Once Kimblee started trotting alongside his fellow officer on the sidewalk he asked his question. "You were in Ishbal?"

"Of course I was in Ishbal." Archer rolled his eyes. "You don't get to be a Lieutenant Colonel overnight." Kimblee smirked and Archer narrowed his eyes. "You know what I meant. Normal people don't get to become Lieutenant Colonels overnight. I've been in the military for years. Ishbal wasn't that long ago."

"Yeah, but where were you?" Kimblee racked his brain trying to think who else was on the battlefield. He remembered a lot of other alchemists in the massacres, but he couldn't for the life of him think of the other soldiers...oh yeah. He blew a lot of them up when they got in his way so he really wasn't paying attention to their faces or personalities. "I mean, I think I would have remembered you if you were in mine."

Archer almost shivered; he knew exactly what happened to those assigned to Kimblee's units. "I'm thankful I wasn't near any of the alchemists. While what you did to the enemy was admirable, how you treated your underlings was not so much." Archer looked pointedly at Kimblee. "I dare say you wouldn't have hesitated to blow up a Corporal had he been close by at the time, hmm?"

However accurate that statement may have been, the Crimson alchemist was caught up in his own little daydreams. Kimblee laughed and tried to picture Archer in combat gear huddled with the new recruits. Archer would be the one all pumped and excited at the bloodshed while the others cried for their mothers or shook in their boots. The image was so humorous he found himself laughing harder. Archer's happy smile was quickly turning into a much more familiar frown. "Oh come on, it's funny."

Archer decided it was in his best interest to not humor Kimblee with a response and instead yanked the end of his ponytail. "Come on, I'm hungry."

"Now you're talking!" Kimblee tackled the man's shoulders and reached up with one are to rub the slick hair. "And then we'll drink and share stories. Because now, you know I need to hear all about our little Archer in Ishbal."

"They're hardly as entertaining as your stories of blowing the limbs off of people running from the battle." Archer hunched slightly under Kimblee's weight. The other man was so touchy-feely, but Archer couldn't bring himself to shove the alchemist off. Archer told himself it was because he had a high sense of self-preservation. "You're heavy."

"I'm flattered you remembered that story from when I was plastered. And I weight less than you, you know." Kimblee punched him in the shoulder and cocked a grin at the man. He kept his grip tight with at least one arm, but he stopped leaning. "And I'm sure you've got a story or two or you wouldn't like war so much."

"Well, I did have my moments."

"Do tell."

"There is one story from about a week after I was deployed. My gun misfired, but the ricochet ended up hitting the other man anyway in a stroke of dumb luck. I couldn't believe it and was almost giddy with..."

Kimblee noted the small smile that started creeping up on the man's face and the light that was appearing behind blue eyes as he talked and Kimblee grinned himself. He had nothing to worry about with Mustang; you only told your friends war stories.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter. The plot is finally moving and Kimblee and Archer get to know each other better. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

"So, tomorrow's the big day, right?" Kimblee asked as he locked his arm with Archer and pulled him along down the street. "Where you get to command your little troops?"

"Yes." Archer rolled his eyes and shoved his hands into the pockets of his long coat. "Which means I need some sleep. So where are we going so late at night, in plainclothes no less?"

"Don't worry, I'll get you back before midnight." Kimblee smirked. He had some fun things planned for tonight. After hearing Archer's stories of Ishbal and knowing that the man had taken blood, Kimblee had something he wanted to try. "We're in plainclothes because I don't want to get your pretty uniform dirty."

"What on earth do you have planned, Kimblee?"

"Just a little fun."

"Why do I not like the sound of this?" Archer sighed as he let himself be dragged along behind the crazy man in a pair of casual slacks. Somehow hanging out with Kimblee had weaseled its way into his daily routines. Archer could almost consider Kimblee a friend at the rate they were hanging out and getting to know each other. A homicidal, insane alchemist as a friend. How wonderful. "This is a bar."

"I know." Kimblee smirked as he brought Archer inside. "We're going to play a game."

"A game?" Archer looked sideways at the smirking man. Kimblee was up to something. "What sort of game?"

Kimblee put his hand on Archer's shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. He could feel the slight shiver come from Archer when his breath trailed on that pale skin. "Pick a target. Any pretty little thing, and we'll pick her up."

"That's it?" Archer raised an eyebrow. Kimblee wanted to pick up women? If that's all he wanted, why didn't he just say so? "What? Are we going to have a competition to see who gets her first?"

"Nope, you pick one out, I'll pick her up and we'll both have some fun." Kimblee almost licked his lips. This was going to be so enjoyable. He just hoped Archer played along. Kimblee didn't always share his personal hobbies with friends.

Was Kimblee seriously suggesting a Ménage a Trois? Archer could feel his face scrunch; that was definitely a no-go. Sure he liked Kimblee a bit more than he did before, but that was too much. "I'm not interested in your sex games, Kimblee."

Sex games? Oh! Kimblee almost laughed at the absurdity. "Trust me, you'll like this. Just pick out someone. The more degenerate the better. Less of a chance she'll be missed."

Archer made note when Kimblee's fingers started stretching and tapping on his shoulder revealing the alchemic symbols underneath. It was becoming clear that the other man was getting restless. Best to play along and see how it goes. "Fine."

Kimblee waited anxiously as they walked over to the bar to get a better look around the room. He watched those bright blue eyes scan over brunettes, blondes, red heads and the like all in their tight, skimpy outfits and reveled in the disgust. Archer was clearly not impressed by any of these floozy women; all for the better. Kimblee smirked when Archer almost outright sneered at one particular woman in a corner. "That one looks good to me, too."

"Her? She has no taste or class what-so-ever. She's the lowest of the bar pick up in a tiny miniskirt. It's repulsive." Archer shook his head as Kimblee grinned. "What?"

"Wait for me outside, I'll be back with her and then we can have some real fun."

"But-"

"Get." Kimblee shoved Archer towards the door. " _Trust me._ "

Archer obeyed for the moment and waited outside the door before checking his watch. It was nearing nine o'clock and Kimblee had said they'd be back before midnight. He only hoped that was true. He did not want to be late tomorrow. Not only would that be unprofessional, but Mustang was sure to rub it into his face. Thankfully, the alchemist exited the bar with the woman in tow. She was drunk and giggling and became clingy when Kimblee pushed her towards Archer. "Kimblee."

"Just humor me, and then follow me." Kimblee smirked and took the woman's other arm. "This way."

Archer followed, the entire time wracking his brain for what Kimblee was up to. He wasn't honestly considering sleeping with this slut was he? If so, why did he need Archer? Was Kimblee some sort of voyeur? Or maybe he just got off when someone was watching. Archer sighed and just tried to keep his disgust at the woman gripping his arm with her painted nails as he waited to arrive at wherever Kimblee was going. After about ten minutes of walking and turning their direction into a deep alley, Kimblee came to a stop. "Is this it?"

"Yup." Kimblee wrenched the girl off of Archer's arm and flung her gracelessly into the back wall of the alley. She hit the wall with a thud and started to look at the two men with glazed eyes. She was wasted and had no clue what was going to happen to her. Perfect. "Now the fun begins."

"What are you talking about?" Archer pinched his nose with his thumb. He swore that if Kimblee suggested raping this woman he was going to beat him personally. That was distasteful and Archer did not need to rape a woman to satisfy his inner urges.

"We're going to kill her."

"What?" Archer's head whipped to the side to meet those near glowing golden eyes. "We're going to what? Are you out of your mind?"

"You know the answer to that." Kimblee smirked and put both of his hands squarely on Archer's shoulders. The woman was starting to look at the two of them with a bit more recognition, but that was alright. Fear was a good thing. "It'll be fun."

"Kimblee, we are not killing this girl."

"I know, I am. You're here to watch." Kimblee smiled in contrast to Archer's increasingly anger filled face. "You like it more than you're letting on. The anger is just to hide it."

"Don't be-" Archer was cut off as Kimblee's hands left his shoulder to grab his wrist. Kimblee threw him against the wall effectively pinning the girl between his arms. Archer could feel Kimblee's hands snake around his chest to fall on the wall. "What are you doing?"

Kimblee clapped his hands together between Archer and the woman and felt the arrays start to activate. He then slammed them into the gut of the unsuspecting woman; she didn't even have a chance to scream. Kimblee smiled as she squirmed under his palms and he grinned when Archer sucked in a deep breath. "She's going to explode."

"What?" Archer was trapped between an insane alchemist and a bomb. How did he get himself into these situations? Kimblee then grabbed his own hands and placed them against the flesh of the woman's midriff. It was crinkling beneath his fingers in and an almost intoxicating scent started to fill his nose. This woman's flesh was changing its composition right under Archer's fingers. "My God."

"Can you feel that? Kimblee moved his hands up from Archer's wrists to rest on his shoulders again; leant his chest against Archer's trembling back. The shaking was not from fear. Archer was getting exited. "She's turning into a living bomb. And no one will miss her."

Archer's pulse was rising. His blood was reacting and he was so caught up he felt himself moving his hands to trail up and follow the crinkling black. All of his inhibitions were gone in this moment of weakness; he was watching art unfold right before his eyes. This was better than a gunshot or instant death. It was slow and just... "It's beautiful."

"Yes, it is." Kimblee broke Archer from his revelry with a fierce tug backwards bringing them both to the ground. Archer moaned in pain as his rear hit the pavement, but the rest of him smacked into Kimblee who was grinning like a fool. "And now she goes..."

"Boom." Archer finished Kimblee's sentence and managed to keep himself from blinking as the pathetic excuse of a woman exploded. He felt the blood spatter on his face and he licked it from his lips. Archer could tell that this could go downhill quickly; he shouldn't get addicted to this feeling. "That was, educational."

"It was fun and you loved it." Kimblee smirked and sat there breathing hard while watching Archer. The man was fighting it, but Kimblee knew. Archer was as twisted as he was inside.

"I need a shower."

Kimblee laughed.

* * *

Archer was clean, well rested and still running on the buzz from his adventure with Kimblee. While he knew it would be unwise to indulge in that behavior on a regular basis due to the higher chance of getting caught. But he would not deny it was an experience to remember. "Isn't it a wonderful day, Major? Perfect for training. Just look at them out there all ready to go and full of potential."

Armstrong looked down at the normally snarky man as he smiled. It was a conceited, slithery sort of smile that could only be pulled off by a healthy ego. However, it was an ego and a snake that he had to work for to achieve greater goals. Armstrong puffed out his chest and let his booming, masculine voice fill the air. "That it is, sir. The weather is perfect for training and the energy of young lads!"

"I couldn't agree more." Archer looked out over the unit of men exercising and mingling before him in the field. All of them young, sturdy, healthy and ready to be molded into the perfect war machines. They were his to control and he would lead them well. As soon as his 'superior' arrived to help monitor. The Führer's will must be done, after all. "Where's Colonel Mustang? I'd hoped to get started soon."

"I believe he's finishing up some paperwork, but he should be here shortly." Armstrong nodded before flexing. "I believe he said we could begin without him."

"Sounds good." Archer smirked and started to head out. "Let's inform them that things are about to get started."

"Sir." Armstrong saluted and hoped that the Colonel would get here before Archer could get out of control. They stopped before the troops and Archer looked to him and rose an eyebrow. Ah, introductions then. "Attention!" The Major waited for all the troops to get in line and salute before assuming the attention position himself. "Good evening gentlemen!" Armstrong bellowed. "You all know why you're here so let's get started. This is Lieutenant Colonel Archer, your superior officer. Later Colonel Mustang will be joining us to evaluate. Let's do our best and listen up!"

"Thank you for that, Major Armstrong." Archer smiled and took a few steps forward. "Now, my friends. Let us get you ready to server your country and your Führer with honor."

"Sir, yes sir!"

The chorused reply from the recruits filled Archer with pride and joy. Not even Mustang could ruin the high he was riding. Hell, even Kimblee's other more annoying antics would be nothing when he was done turning these boys into men.

* * *

Kimblee was openly snarling as he looked down at the men standing shoulder to shoulder. He knew Archer would kill him for monitoring him this closely, but he was too curious about what was going on to help himself. Archer was commanding a troop of new soldiers while high from murder. How could he miss that? However by the time the alchemist got to the training field, Kimblee was greeted with a far more disgusting sight: Mustang and Archer working side by side. Contently and with surprisingly effective teamwork at that. The troops were following their every command.

The Crimson Alchemist shifted slightly from his position in the tree. Mustang was too close. He knew that they were conversing about matters that the troops weren't supposed to hear, so they had to stand side by side to keep their voices low, but. Kimblee bit his nail harshly when Archer and Mustang started matching smirks. In all likely hood, they were bitter rivals and had pissed each other off and were covering it up with emotions. Kimblee knew that.

But what he saw, was two friends coming to an agreement and communicating without speech.

Kimblee was so messed up.

Kimblee wanted to get down from the tree and stop watching and kill Mustang slowly and painfully. Mustang would die having each limb blown from his body, no each and every digit individually! Especially those fingers that were attached to the hand that was now on Archer's _shoulder_. A hand that didn't belong to Kimblee. However, like a train wreck, he couldn't pull his eyes from the scene and let the anger rise and fester. Kimblee wasn't even sure why he was so angry. Why did watching Archer hang out with someone else and looking content bother him so much? It wasn't something the alchemist should be getting worked up about.

Was he jealous?

Kimblee's eyes widened as his hand gripped the tree tighter; nails digging into the soft bark. He was jealous. Kimblee was mad that Archer was spending time with Mustang; any time. The alchemist wanted Archer to hang out with him and smile. He wanted Archer to tell him war stories and listen to his and drink with him. He wanted Archer to kill people with him. Kimblee wanted Archer to _only_ pay attention to Kimblee.

Kimblee was jealous.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not proofed; too tired. Must sleep now. Ironic considering what this chapter is about. yawn Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Frank Archer, had a long day.

His morning was filled with the joys of the Crimson Alchemist causing chaos for Tucker when Archer came to check on the Chimera Man before work. Apparently he thought it funny to blow up random equipment in the shop in tiny explosions and seeing if Tucker noticed. Archer had to personally console the man when Kimblee blew something up that he needed to fix 'Nina.' Not to mention, Kimblee had been in the oddest moods as of late and it was driving Archer nuts. It was as if the man had it in him to be next to Archer every possible moment when the man wasn't inside of his house or in his office during work hours. It was smothering.

Archer sighed deeply as he shut the door to his house and hung his coat on the rack. At least he'd had a break for the past few hours. A meeting with Mustang after work to discuss training exercises with the troops had kept him long after hours and Kimblee away. Archer had never been so happy to stay with the Flame Alchemist for an extended period of time in his life. In fact, when they put personal issues aside he had a smidgen of respect for the other man and his experience in battle and good taste in whiskey.

But not by much.

Archer walked into his kitchen and poured himself a warm glass of scotch to help calm him before bed. After savoring the liquid in peace and quiet (for the first time in what seemed like forever), Archer placed the empty glass in the bottom of his sink and replaced the bottle back into the cabinet for later. Managing his subordinates in the morning, putting up with Armstrong in the office, commanding troops all afternoon and a meeting with Mustang in the evening had left Archer exhausted. Now, the only thing the Lieutenant Colonel wanted to do was to go into his room, hit the bed and fall asleep.

However, it seemed fate was against him.

"What are you doing, Kimblee?"

"Lying down. What's it look like?"

A disapproving grunt followed from Archer's throat and he unbuttoned his uniform with more force than necessary. The man dropped his uniform coat onto the back of his desk chair and crossed his arms. It just wasn't fair. "And why are you doing it on my bed?"

"It's comfortable."

"It's late."

"Your point?"

"I want to go to bed." Archer walked to the edge of the bed and contemplated kicking Kimblee off of it. The man was sprawled out like a cat on one side of the bed, still in full uniform no less. Hell, the man still had his boots on. Archer tried to contain his temper. "I'm exhausted and I'm in no mood for this right now."

Kimblee kept his eyes closed and let the smile stretch on his face. Archer was talking through his teeth; it was only a matter of time before he took action. Kimblee was ready to move their best buddy friendship into rough housing. His fingers twitched in anticipation of a good, friendly rumble. "I don't mind sharing."

"Kimblee!" Archer shouted this time and stomped his foot on the ground. A finger pointed towards his door in the same commanding fashion he had used earlier in the days to get his troops to cooperate. "Get out and go home!"

"But I don't like the dorms." Kimblee curled onto his side. He wasn't budging. Mustang got Archer all day again watching those troops, so Kimblee got him all night. It was simple math. Archer would just have to accept it or fight back. The Alchemist was up for either, really. "So get used to it."

"If you don't get out of that bed this instance-"

"You'll do what."

Archer narrowed his brows as Kimblee cut him off mid sentence; the threat was laced in the icy tone. The alchemist hadn't moved from the bed, but he had opened his eyes. Those golden eyes showed none of their usual playfulness that Archer was familiar with. They were molten and narrowed; Archer swallowed thickly. Kimblee was angry and acting unusual. The man had been clingy as hell lately and Archer was getting sick of it. Dangerous alchemist or not. "Get out."

Kimblee's expression didn't change, though he was more amused. Archer couldn't do shit to him and he was still putting up a front. Too bad the Crimson Alchemist caught the slight shaking of Archer's hands. He was nervous. Kimblee smirked and felt the grin crawling on his face. "Make me."

Archer growled and walked around to the clear side of the bed and started to undo the top button of his dress shirt. Kimblee was starting to look more and more cocky by the second. At least it was better than the earlier anger. He couldn't face the man, so Archer stared at his wall and dresser. "What is wrong with you? You've been particularly juvenile all week. And don't think I haven't noticed the number of murders showing up on my desk, either."

"You've left me bored going off by yourself all the time." Kimblee shrugged and let his eyes trail over the man's bare torso. He was surprisingly fit for a desk jockey; though Kimblee shouldn't have expected any less. The man was obsessed with going to war; surely he worked out to stay in shape. Kimblee smiled when Archer turned to look at him; pajama shirt in his hand. "So I have to entertain myself double when you're here."

"How on earth is sleeping entertaining?" Archer cringed the moment the sentence spilled from his lips and Kimblee's face lit up. That was just perfect. Archer started to put on his pajama shirt and decided he might change his pants in the bathroom when he brushed his teeth. "Are you really planning on staying there all night?"

"Yup." Kimblee smirked as Archer took his pajama pants into the bathroom with him and slammed the door. All he had to do was wait and see Archer's next course of action. He could either get into the bed with him and pretend like nothing was wrong. The cold shoulder approach. Or Archer would go sleep on the couch and leave him by his lonesome. Not that Kimblee would stay in the bedroom if that happened. He was paying Archer back for leaving Kimblee all alone while the good Lieutenant Colonel played with Mustang.

Archer shoved the toothbrush into his mouth violently as he brushed his teeth. He had half a mind to go in there, shoot Kimblee in the leg, kick him off the bed and hell with the consequences. Archer spit in the sink after rinsing his mouth and wiped it with a cloth. The other half of his mind told him to ignore Kimblee and just go to sleep. Archer sighed and returned to his bedroom to see Kimblee smirking on the bed- this time with his boots next to the bed and the alchemist under the covers. He wondered if it was possible to compromise between those two options. "Move over. I sleep on that side."

"Obsessive compulsive are we?" Kimblee scooted over regardless. He was so amused by Archer's pajamas now that he was looking at them, he forgot his angry jealousy. Kimblee watched as the man slid gracefully under the covers; clearly the blue silk pajamas aided the smooth transition. Kimblee fingered the sleeves when Archer was still leaning up on his elbows. "So where'd you get these? Pretty nice."

"They were a gift." Archer swatted Kimblee's pawing hands away. The man was like a five year old. "I'm going to sleep. If you insist on being a pest and staying the night than I expect you to stay on your side of the bed and to sleep."

Kimblee snickered as Archer's head hit the pillow and he crossed his hands just above his abs. Archer slept like a corpse. Somehow it seemed fitting. Kimblee sat up and started to undo the bottoms of his jacket and shrugged it off onto the floor. He let the covers pool around his waist and put his arms behind his head. He closed his eyes and listened to Archer's breathing. While Kimblee had been hoping for a fight, this was nice, too. "Nightie, night."

* * *

Archer woke the next morning with a frown on his face. Normally he started the morning by turning off his alarm and taking a shower. However, this fine morning his arms were trapped to his chest by a very heavy weight. A heavy weight that snored. "Kimblee, wake up."

The Crimson Alchemist responded by tightening his death grip and snuggling closer. The man looked like he was hugging a teddy bear. Archer tried to lodge his arm out from under the other man and was unsuccessful. "Kimblee, I'm serious. Wake up or I'll be late!"

"Your clock says five." Kimblee slurred and glared up at the other man. He was disgustingly awake. "It takes fifteen minutes to get to the office from here. Another hour won't kill you." With that in mind, Kimblee dropped his head back down. It was too early for this.

"Kimblee. You're awake, now get off." Finally freeing a hand Archer pulled himself up by the headboard. "I swear, for someone so thin, you weigh a ton."

"Should work out more."

"For goodness' sake." Archer exhaled a thick breath when he managed to get up in a sitting position shifting Kimblee off to the side. The man eventually released his arms with a grumble and curled up into the empty space. Archer shook his head and started for the showers. "You are not making a habit of this."

"Aw, why not?" The slurring of Kimblee's voice continued as he rolled over again to watch Archer. The man's body heat was still lingering on the sheets and Kimblee let his cheek hit the fabric. "Twas nice. Warm."

"It's also inappropriate." Archer shook his head. "What if Mustang were to come over to discuss something? Then what would you do?"

Kimblee's eyes opened up and he suddenly felt much more awake. "Why would Mustang come here?"

Archer waved his hand as he stood in his bedroom door and listed off a few reasons. "I don't know, to deliver a document? A social visit for politics' sake? We are coworkers. Visits and drinking together are as expected as small talk at social events."

"Bastard gets you enough as it is during the day." Kimblee snatched the pillow and held it to his chest. He shoved his face into it and tried to control his breathing.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What is wrong with you?" Archer snatched the pillow and looked at the man. "You aren't acting like yourself. What on earth is eating at you?"

"I'm fine." Kimblee sat up and looked back at the clock. "If you were going to waste time like this anyway, you should have just stayed in bed."

"With you, you mean?" Archer snorted. "You should really hear yourself. You're starting to sound like a lovesick puppy."

Kimblee flinched.

Archer noticed. The blue eyed man watched his associate calmly and delegated that a subject change was in order. "Are you going to see Tucker today? He mentioned yesterday asking for your help with something."

"Yeah."

"Good, I guess I'll see you after work then?" Archer avoided all eye contact with Kimblee. "I want to check up on the both of you and your progress with the chimera. With the troops I don't have as much time as I'd like to keep tabs on the two of you."

"Yeah, tabs." Kimblee's voice was low and controlled. Partially from anger; partially from confusion. "Are you seeing Mustang, today?"

"No, the troops have today off."

"Good."

"Alright, I'm taking a shower."

"Alright." The bathroom door shut with a solid click and the sound of running water was soon filling the apartment. Kimblee was left alone with his thoughts.

The Crimson Alchemist had come over to Archer's apartment the other day fully intending to pick a fight over being ignored. What he had gotten, was a night snuggling with the man in his bed. And he liked it. Kimblee liked sleeping in the same bed with Archer. And _just_ sleeping and being close and feeling those damn silk pajamas and cool skin. Kimblee clenched his hand opened them again.

What the hell did that mean?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tucker x Archer forever. XD Mwa ha ha ha ha ha. I think "Such is the Life of a Slut" is finally messing with my head. It makes me want to write crack pairings.
> 
> But anyway, I like this chapter. It has lots of Tucker and jealous Kimblee. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

"Going to kill him."

Tucker looked up from the watch he was modifying when Kimblee started to mumble louder from his seat at the work table. The man was clenching and unclenching his fists sporadically and Tucker looked around him to see if there was anything in his immediate vicinity that needed to be saved. Seeing nothing, Tucker ventured into conversation with his quiet voice. "Who?"

"Mustang!" Kimblee snarled and slammed his palms together; fingers intertwining with each other tightly. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down; rested his forehead on his fingers. If he made the lab go boom again, Archer was going to get angry. More angry. Okay, so Kimblee really screwed things up that morning. But it wasn't his fault! "The bastard. I can't wait until I can get him alone and I'm going to..."

Tucker turned back to Kimblee's State Alchemist watch and tuned out the creative death threats that were spewing from the man's mouth behind his human chest. After inserting the red stones into the watch and reattaching the cover, Tucker held it up for inspection. If that didn't amplify alchemy, Tucker wasn't sure what else would. He was lucky Archer had given him the supplies to make more red stones. A steady eye looked over at the crazed man at the table as he continued to mumble and pound the table. Tucker decided to give Kimblee his watch later when there was less of a chance of Central exploding.

Archer entered the laboratory with a frown on his face and took a deep breath as the door shut behind him. Archer looked around the room to see chimera growling and fighting with each other to the left. Good. Tucker fiddling with the alchemist watches in the last minute project Archer had assigned him to the rear of the room. Also good. And finally, Kimblee muttering death threats while randomly hitting the desk with his fists. Not so good. "Kimblee, get yourself together. I have a job for you."

"What?" The Crimson Alchemist looked up and kept himself from jumping. He hadn't even noticed Archer arrive. Those blue eyes were staring at him and Kimblee shook his head to gather his thoughts. "What job?"

"One you'll be good at." Archer smirked and walked over to rap his knuckles on the tabletop. From under his arm he pulled out a folder and set it before the alchemist; fingers sprawled on the cover. "There's a serial killer on the loose in central and I want you to take care of him. Discretely if possible."

Crimson watched each finger as they picked themselves up from the folder so that he could take it. Kimblee flipped open the booket to see a picture of a miserable man in his thirties. Behind his picture was a list of attacks and the most likely next target. And from what he could tell from the nickname, the man had a thing for cutting people open and having fun with their intestines. "Why me?"

"You said you were bored, didn't you?" Archer sat down in his personal chair (he was not sitting on those dirty lab stools again) next to the chimera cage and snapped his fingers. The beast closest to him stopped fussing with its cage mates and trotted over to be pet by Archer's thin fingers. The man smiled thoughtfully; Tucker had trained these animals quite well. "You have until the end of the week. Though get started tonight since there's a high chance he'll strike considering his pattern."

"I fail to see why I have to do your dirty work."

"You could stay here with Tucker all night."

"Your house would be better."

"Do the job, or I will drop you, Kimblee." Archer glared icily at the other man. Kimblee's usefulness was wearing thin and Archer was reaching his breaking point. This mornings fiasco was the straw that broke the camel's back. "So far you've done nothing to justify covering your ass. Either prove to me you can do this job or get the hell out of Central. Do I make myself clear?"

Kimblee's breathing was increasing slightly either from anger or fear. He wasn't quite sure which one was stronger than the other. It was a strange feeling to fear never seeing someone again while at the same time wanting to wring their necks until they stopped breathing. "It'll get done."

"See that it does." Archer scratched behind the chimera's ear and a sound that could have possibly been a purr came from its gut. If only Kimblee could be tamed so easily. The Crimson Alchemist was looking at him expectantly; waiting for Archer to say something else. The Lieutenant Colonel merely rose an eyebrow and looked at his watch to indicate the time wasted while the alchemist just stood there. With a huff, Kimblee stomped out the door and made sure to slam it as loud as possible. Archer had a feeling many more than his serial killer were going to die tonight.

"So what did he do?" Tucker chuckled as Archer visibly relaxed in the chair and crossed his legs. Tucker turned his eyes back to his work, but put away the watch. It was after hours; Archer said he could work on Nina when the work day was over. Though, Tucker didn't mind conversation while he worked. Not many people listened. "You two were getting along so well the other day."

"He was stalking me."

"Hmm?" Tucker's paws paused in their work. His ears flattened against his head in confusion. "Isn't that normal for him?"

"Where I could see him." Archer hissed and waved his free arm about. His other was still locked into the chimera's fur. It seemed to be the only calming thing in his life; a sin against nature. How wonderful. "Right in broad daylight! Anyone could have seen him."

"I see, I take it you were with Mustang then? As he's the only 'anyone' I think would matter right now."

"Yes, I was eating lunch with Colonel Mustang and Major Armstrong in the mess with our unit during the break. We were discussing some training strategies and I could see Kimblee plain as day in the mess standing directly behind Mustang. If the Colonel had turned so much as an inch he would have seen that mad man." Archer gripped his fist and the chimera yelped as its hair was pulled. The Lt. Colonel sighed and rubbed the spot that he had pulled in apology. "Then after lunch Kimblee got into my face the moment I was alone and started going on about some touching nonsense. I don't even know what he was talking about but he was hysterical."

Tucker nodded as the man continued on. His rants about Kimblee were starting to become as commonplace as Kimblee ranting about Colonel Mustang. Though, it was slightly more fun watching Archer grumble; it was a bit more out of his usual character. "Is that why you sent him out?"

"Partially." Archer rubbed his eyes and stopped petting the chimera. As soon as it was free, it started to tackle the others in the pen. Archer looked over at the much larger chimera and his upside down gaze and shrugged. "I also, just really wanted a night alone. He's invited himself over to my house every night this week. It's becoming far more than I can tolerate."

"And if he doesn't get better?"

"Than I'll have to get rid of him."

Tucker at the man and noted the dead serious tone. Adding in what he had observed from Kimblee, the chimera prayed no one was around when that keg ignited. "Best not let him hear you say that."

"Why?"

"Because he likes you."

Archer stared at his other alchemist; the useful one. "He what?"

* * *

"So what do you think, sir?" Armstrong asked over a cup of tea as he sat with Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye in the outside terrace at a local diner. Their training session with the new unit had just ended a short while ago and they were all enjoying break. Between Archer's strict regiment and running around with the young lads in their prime of youth, even Hawkeye had let Mustang get away with putting his paperwork off until tomorrow.

"I think that they're all good soldiers and they'll be fine." Mustang yawned over his own cup; though he wasn't drinking tea. Unlike his large friend and female right hand, he preferred something with a bit more kick.

"I actually meant about Archer, sir." Armstrong nodded. "What do you think about him?"

"Personally or professionally?"

"Professionally."

Mustang sat up straighter in his seat and sat his glass down on the table. "Honestly? I'm surprised at how efficient he is. I wasn't expecting that."

"Well, he does enjoy war, sir." Hawkeye added. She had tagged along for today's training session and it was obvious as it could get that the new head of Investigations was a bit trigger-happy. "It probably leads to knowledge on the subject."

"I know," Mustang sighed. "Still, he may be good but his enthusiasm worries me."

"I agree." Armstrong added and hummed. He really wished he could bring up the other things that Archer was doing, but the time wasn't right yet. Archer's love of war was the least of the military's worries when he had Zolf J. Kimblee and Shou Tucker tucked away. "At least the troops themselves haven't been too influenced."

"Yes, yes." Mustang ran a hand over his face and winced; he had forgotten he was wearing his gloves. Ignition cloth scratched. "Can we talk about something other than work for once?"

Hawkeye sipped at her own drink and almost rolled her eyes. There was only one thing Roy Mustang did when he wasn't at work. "We'd rather not hear about your dates, sir."

Armstrong chuckled heartily as his friend pouted. Mustang resembled a kicked puppy. "Yes, give us another subject and we'll chat about happier things."

Mustang rose an eyebrow and set his chin on the back of his hand. He did have one thing that had been bothering him. "Do any of you feel like you're being watched, recently?"

"How so?" Hawkeye noted the sober expression that washed over her Colonel's face. She straightened in her seat. "Is it something to be worried about?"

"I don't think so just yet." Mustang muttered. "I just feel like someone's glaring at me all day."

"That's highly possible considering how much people love you on base, sir." Hawkeye spoke before taking another sip of tea. Though, she did make note to start watching the Colonel's back while on base. She didn't want him to worry, but that didn't mean she'd let anything happen to him. "You're probably just stressed."

Mustang waved his arm dismissively and tried to smile. "I guess you're right. It's probably nothing."

"And no worries, sir! If all else fails you've got an Armstrong by your side. No threat will get past us. After all, we have a long line of family history in fending off unseen foes..."

Mustang looked to Hawkeye and shared a glance while Armstrong continued on his required family speech of the day. He had been doing so well keeping it in, too. Mustang looked down at his near empty glass and realized he didn't have enough to make things bearable. Hawkeye's glare told him seconds were out of the question. This was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

Mustang touched him.

Mustang _touched_ him.

Kimblee squatted outside on the steps of a short front porch. His target had been spotted in this area over three times now and he had a perchance for attacking people out alone. Regardless of uniform, physical type, or gender no less. Kimblee had let his hair down and ditched his uniform for some plain clothes just in case the man was wise up to avoiding the military. Hopefully Kimblee was an attractive enough a target in khaki slacks and a loose blue button up shirt; he really wanted to kill something. Because Mustang touched _him_.

Archer didn't even notice the contact; or if he did, Archer didn't care. Kimblee started to chew the nail on his thumb as he recalled that morning. Mustang was becoming more and more suspicious as the days went by with his talks with the Strong Arm and Kimblee knew he was out to get his own Lieutenant Colonel. Mustang wanted to make sure that Archer didn't go to war; which meant Kimblee didn't get to go with him. Archer was oblivious of course. and let himself be side by side the annoying alchemist. But Kimblee was watching; he saw. Mustang pat him on the shoulder and rubbed it after congratulating Archer for his good work.

Kimblee groaned into his chest and held his head. This infatuation with Archer was messing him up. He was already crazy; he really didn't need to go further down hill. The man rubbed his face until it started to sting and then stared out into the night. He had an infatuation with Archer. The war-freak, cold-blooded, ass-kissing, chimera loving Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer. After thinking about it for a week; the Crimson Alchemist had finally figured out what was going on with him and these random spouts of emotion without a doubt. Kimblee had a crush on Frank Archer.

And it was driving him out of his mind.

Kimblee could barely string two thoughts together at the rate he was going and he kept running in circles. He licked his lips together and leant back on his elbows on the stairs. Archer clearly did not feel the same way about Kimblee. The Mad Bomber could live with that; as long as Archer let him hang around he was okay. what he couldn't tolerate – was Archer being with anyone else. For any reason.

Jealousy was a bitch.

"Hey there, are you all alone?"

Kimblee looked up to the man who had addressed him and smiled sweetly while tilting his head. Things were finally looking up for him. At least Archer could be happy that his favorite alchemist could do a job promptly. Kimblee let the grin slide along his face and watched as the man's eyes widened. A killer always recognized another killer. "Why yes. It's nice to finally meet you, Mr. Gutter. My name is Crimson, want to play?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since there's almost a plot developing, I updated the summary. Anyway, quick update for you all because I'm pressed for time (aka this hasn't been proofed…) - thanks for reading and reviewing!

Archer was never going to be able to look at Kimblee the same way again.

The man took another large gulp of brandy from his glass and stared at the wall from his favorite chair in the comfort of his own home. Every time Kimblee had touched him, tried to sneak into bed with him, stalked him- they all suddenly were seen in a brand new light thanks to the information provided by the good alchemist Tucker. And Archer had been delusional enough to believe that Kimblee was just weird. But no, that was not the case. Archer stared at the amber beverage in his hand and took another drink.

Zolf J. Kimblee had a crush on Frank Archer.

On the bright side of things, this explained quite a bit as of why the Crimson Alchemist was acting like a bigger idiot than usual and getting all huffy over Mustang. He was jealous. Archer snorted; as if he didn't have enough to deal with already. He didn't get paid enough to balance an unstable man's emotions.

Currently, said alchemist was still on the tail of that serial killer, Gutter or something. Archer couldn't bother himself to remember; just as long as Kimblee killed him, things would be fine. That man had made a mockery of his department by continually avoiding them and outwitting his men. Once he had enough evidence, Archer made the executive decision to handle it on his own instead of arresting the man as per code.

Besides, it kept Kimblee busy.

Archer groaned; everything just kept coming back to that blasted alchemist! And it was all Tucker's fault for bringing him up to par with what was going on with Crimson. Kimblee could have all the crushes he wanted as long as Archer didn't know about it! But now that he did, the Lieutenant Colonel had to think of some way to deal with it and keep it from getting out of control. If what he had seen so far was any indication, Kimblee had one hell of a jealous streak.

Archer looked up from his drink when he heard a rapping at his front door. Either Kimblee worked quickly when he wanted or he had given up. Archer sighed heavily as he made his way towards the front door. He clicked open the handle with a sigh and pinched his temples with his hand over his eyes. He was too tired to deal with this. "I swear, if you didn't finish the job I gave you I'm slamming the door in your face right now."

"Is that any way to speak to a superior officer?"

Archer froze and slowly pulled his hand down and his blue eyes locked on not Zolf. J. Kimblee, the Crimson Alchemist, but one Colonel Roy Mustang. Archer's night was going _so very_ damn well. Straightening his back immediately and coughing into his hand, Archer took a deep breath and prepared to lie. "Forgive me, sir. I was expecting a young lad who has been running errands for me as a side job. He's trying to save up for a bike."

Mustang stared at the smirking man and took note of his face. He couldn't tell if Archer was lying or not (he just was that smarmy) but the story just didn't fit. "That's charitable of you to hire someone who, doesn't do a good job I take it?"

"Ah, yes. He's been prone to say forget half a shopping list before. I was tired after the day and was not in the mood to deal with him." Well, Archer was only half lying there. He really had no interest in talking to Kimblee and he was as good as an errand boy. "But enough of that, do come in, sir."

Mustang nodded as he strode by the man and stood in the front entrance way of his townhouse. It was obscenely tidy. "You have a lovely home."

"Thank-you, sir." Archer almost closed the door when he noticed Lieutenant Hawkeye standing by the car. "Will your Lieutenant be joining us? I do hate to make a lady stand out in the cold."

"She's fine." Mustang sighed. He already asked her if she wanted to come in; she said no. The Flame Alchemist was one not to press the issue. "She likes this sort of weather."

"I see." Archer shut the door and looked his superior from head to toe. The man was still in uniform, much like Archer himself, but with his heavy overcoat and he had his hat in one hand. "May I ask why you've decided to drop by, sir?"

"The Führer caught me just before I was about to leave the office, today. You know that parade in two days?" Mustang shrugged off his coat and slung it over his arm. It was surprisingly warm in Archer's home.

Archer took the coat automatically from Mustang and hung it on the rack. "Yes, we're both attending if I remember correctly. What does that have to do with anything?"

"He wants that unit we're training to give a demonstration."

Archer almost cursed. "But that means…"

"That we have tonight to come up with a demonstration and tomorrow to make sure they have it down by Saturday." Mustang snorted. This should be Archer's job since technically speaking it was _his_ unit, but darn that Führer! "Which means it's going to be a long night."

So much for a night to himself. Archer shook his head slowly and looked out the window again. Hawkeye was still standing next to the car. "Is she going to stay there all night?"

"Probably." Mustang sighed and took a seat at Archer's kitchen table. He reached in his coat to pull out the notes the Führer had shoved at him describing what he wanted. "I told her to go home."

"Women can be stubborn." Archer nodded and joined his superior in the kitchen. "Can I pour you a drink?"

"Something strong would be nice." Mustang squinted at the handwriting on his paper. Someone must hate him; curse being a dog of the military and at the whim of one man! "We're going to need it."

"Of course." Archer couldn't agree more as he poured both himself and Mustang a double.

* * *

It was amazing how therapeutic killing someone could be.

Kimblee almost whistled happily as he stared at the pair of silver, jangling dog tags he held up in front of his face. There wasn't much left of Mr. Gutter save for a few stains of blood splattered among alley walls. Since Kimblee still needed some proof he had killed the man, he figured the dog tags were good enough. Archer should be happy Kimblee took care of things so quickly.

Maybe he'd pour the two of them a brandy and have a nice evening for once instead of the tension filled nightmare that the past week had been. After thinking about it, Kimblee decided that he might have been smothering Archer too much. All the constant attention was making him back away and that was bad. If he gave Archer some breathing room, they might be at least able to go back to the comfortable nights of drinking, talking and going out like they used to.

However, as Kimblee got closer to Archer's porch, something in his gut caused him to stop walking. Just ahead, there was a car parked on the street in front of his Lieutenant Colonel's house. Kimblee's eyes narrowed slightly when he spotted the blonde standing next to the car. If Lieutenant Hawkeye was here than that meant-

Kimblee wasted no time back-tracking his steps until he could get to an alleyway and behind the townhouse. He had to go through two to three yards until he was at Archer's back door, but that was alright. Kimblee shoved the dog tags in his pocket to free his hands and slunk up close to the back window. He peered around the side of the window frame until he could see inside the bedroom. Coast was clear.

Kimblee pushed up at the window and frowned at the lock. He blew some loose hair out of his face and pulled out a lock pick from his hair tie and made quick work of the lock. Successfully opening the window, the Crimson Alchemist crawled into the back bedroom and shut the window behind him. Kimblee could hear Archer talking from the other room along side _him._

It took every ounce of self control Kimblee had not to bust out into the other room and blow Mustang to smithereens for even stepping foot in Archer's house. Instead, he crept out of the bedroom and made sure to stay hidden behind the hallway wall so that he could see what was going on. Archer was pouring Mustang another drink and they were talking about rifles or something.

"And it misfired right into the guy's foot!" Mustang laughed and smacked the table. Brandy was a wonderful thing; it even made a guy like Archer loosen up. "That was the last time they forgot to do maintenance on the display rifles."

Archer chuckled softly before taking another sip of his drink. He wasn't sure when the mood turned amicable, but it had. Perhaps it was the mutual distain for what they had to be doing that caused him and Mustang to see eye-to-eye. Archer was one for showing off the military at parades; he just had no interest in planning the exhibition. "At least the gun fired. I've been to a ten-gun salute where the rifles were so out of use that they didn't so much as set off a spark."

"I'll be that was a riot."

"Indeed." Archer looked down at the plans they had both come up with so far and nearly sighed. While they had plenty planned out, their increasing drunkenness was starting to make the page look fuzzy. "Now, what were we having them do when they passed by the officers' table, again?"

"I was thinking a simple rifle salute." Mustang looked at his empty glass and sighed. Seems they were getting back to work. "Anything more difficult than that and they won't learn it in a day."

"That's true." Archer lifted his glass to his lips again and his blue eyes happened to trail up towards his back hall and meet a very angry pair of gold eyes. His breath stopped; causing him to start coughing as the liquid went down the wrong throat. "Shit!"

Mustang looked at the sputtering man and was on the verge of patting him on the back to help the choking. "Are you okay?"

"Just went down the wrong pipe, that's all." Archer tried to cover for himself and wiped off the excess brandy from his mouth. How the hell did Kimblee get into his back room? "Excuse me for a moment while I clean up."

"Sure." Mustang watched as the man rigidly stood up and head for the back hallway. For someone who was relaxed a moment ago, he was awfully stiff. Speaking of stiff, Mustang looked at his empty glass again and filled it to the brim from the bottle. Instinct was telling him he was going to need it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archer's pissed off and drunk; and I'm tired. Good night all and thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

"Why are you here!?" Archer nearly screamed, but thankfully kept it down to a harsh, gravely whisper. After spotting the man in the hallway, Archer shoved Kimblee in through the bedroom and into the bathroom. Mustang thought he was washing up so Archer made sure to turn on the water. Kimblee had his hands in his slacks pockets and was sulking like a child who dropped their ice cream cone. "And how did you even get in?"

"I saw Hawkeye out front so I came in the back window." Kimblee shrugged and looked down at his feet. He was angry, of course, but if he didn't play it safe than Mustang would come and interrupt them.

"Couldn't you have just left and come back later?" The Lieutenant Colonel shoved his hands under the faucet to try and wipe off the excess liquor. Archer took in deep breaths and tried to keep them even. Calm was Archer. Archer was nothing if not calm. "As you can see, I have company."

"I noticed." Kimblee spoke through gritted teeth while he watched Archer start stripping his shirt for a clean one. His brain was against him. Instead of appreciating Archer's physique; Kimblee immediately thought of Mustang's hands touching that pale flesh. The Crimson Alchemist barely controlled the urge to push the man down and lock him up somewhere so no one else could have him. "Why is he here?"

"The same reason I spend any time with the man, the Führer."

"The Führer told Mustang to spend the night at your house?" Kimblee blinked and the anger was gone again. His emotions were like a roller coaster ride tonight going from anger to confusion and back again in the blink of an eye. But seriously, he knew the Führer was weird, but Kimblee wasn't aware that Bradley was also a pervert. And why was he pairing up Archer with Mustang?

Archer groaned and continued his harsh whispers. The images were practically visible in Kimblee's eyes and Archer was not up to dealing with this tonight. He had neither the patience nor enough liquor in his blood to put up with the other man. "Its not what you're thinking and I'll explain later. Now make yourself scarce before he sees you. I've been gone too long as it is."

"I'm staying."

"No, you're not."

"Either let me stay or I'm walking in there and killing him while he's drunk right now." Kimblee hissed. It was bad enough _his_ Archer was alone with Mustang. Kimblee was not leaving them together all night. "It'd be easy. I bet he doesn't even have his gloves on."

"Are you alright back there?" Mustang called from the front room.

"Just a moment," Archer replied over his shoulder and shoved his arms into a new, pressed shirt. He lowered his voice to a whisper and stared right at Kimblee. Archer ended each sentence with a punctuated clip to make his point. "You are not to leave this room under any circumstances. If you so much as step foot past that door I'll shove the barrel of my gun down your throat and make you swallow the entire clip. Is that clear?"

"Perfectly. I won't leave the room." Kimblee held back the smile.

"And we're talking about this later."

"Good." Kimblee walked back to the bed and fell back on it as Archer left the room, slamming the door behind him. He pulled the dog tags he had taken from Gutter out of his pocket and held them up with his other hand behind his head. Now all he had to do was figure out just what he was going to say when Archer returned.

Assuming he didn't break his promise and go kill Mustang anyway, of course.

* * *

"I'm sorry about that, it took me a moment to find a clean shirt." Archer tried to smile politely as he sat down. Mustang's eyes were drooping and the brandy bottle was less than half full. Apparently the man had helped himself in the time Archer was away. What was it with his house guests drinking him out of house and home? Did they think that stuff was cheap? Well, that was alright. He didn't exactly need the man sober at the moment anyway. "Where were we?"

"Reviewing the salutes." Mustang picked up the piece of paper and held it out for Archer to see. The man had changed into a casual shirt and it looked weird with the regulation blue military pants. Mustang thought it funny to see Archer so disheveled but bit his lip before he could laugh. "We're almost done."

"Than by all means, let us finish." Archer sat down in the chair and snatched the paper from the clearly slowed down man. Archer wanted to concentrate, he really did. But just knowing Kimblee was sitting in his bedroom fuming in jealousy was enough to put the Lieutenant Colonel on edge. Colonel Mustang sitting with his back to the door was not helping the matter, either. "We have them saluting all of the officers, or just the Führer?"

"Just the Brigadier-Generals and up." Mustang poured himself another glass and after a moment's thought topped off Archer's glass. "Hakuro'll throw a fit if we don't recognize him."

"That's true." Archer shook his head. "I'm good, thank-you."

"Have another drink, you're still stiff and we've been drinking for hours." Mustang pushed the glass at Archer. He was not going to be the only drunk man tonight! "Drink soldier, that's an order."

"For the love of," Archer muttered into his hand, but took the glass anyway. He looked at it wearingly and drank it in a single gulp. "Happy?"

Mustang filled it up again and held up his glass with a dorky smile. A little voice in the back of his head was telling him how idiotic this was to get drunk with what was essentially the enemy. It was smothered by the voice that said his trusted 1st Lieutenant was just outside the door with a gun watching his back. It was good to be loved. "Cheers."

Archer shook his head and clunk the glass with Mustang's. Well, it's not like getting drunk could make this night any worse than it already was. "Cheers."

Kimblee, in the meantime, was chewing straight through his nails. He had paced Archer's room about twenty times already in the five minutes Archer had been missing. Kimblee needed to calm down and think. He said he'd stay in the back room, so that's what he'd have to do. Breaking his promise wouldn't help things with Archer. Kimblee was also no further in figuring out how he was going to confront Archer about all this.

What was he going to do? Say 'I'm sorry, I'm jealous of Mustang and I love you. Forgive me?' Not a chance; it not only sounded corny but it just wasn't Kimblee. The Crimson Alchemist smacked the wall with his fist and watched as the vase on a shelf started to wobble. All thoughts of talking were forgotten when the Crimson Alchemist started to get a good idea.

* * *

"Sir." Hawkeye pushed herself off from the car to greet her commander as he stumbled out of Archer's townhouse. Drunk. Hawkeye sighed and skipped forward a few paces to meet him. "How did it go?"

"How'd what go?" Mustang slurred and paused for a beat. The pretty lady's eyes started to narrow and he thought harder. "Oh. Oh! Yeah, somehow we finished the thing and we'll go over it with the troops later." Mustang swayed. "Though we might have to reread it considering how sloshed we got."

"At least you finished it." Hawkeye made a mental note to reread over their notes herself. Who knows what those drunken fools came up with. She wasn't surprised though; she knew Mustang was either going to come out of that house so enraged he couldn't walk or drunk. Either way, he needed a ride. "Let's head home, sir."

"Thanks, Hawkeye." Mustang smiled. "I'm glad I got out of there. It was starting to get creepy."

"Creepy, sir?" The sniper opened the door for Mustang and allowed him to get inside. "How so?"

"Kept hearing things breaking in the back. Archer said a shelf fell over or something cause of bad wood giving way." Mustang shrugged. He also distinctly remembered hearing voices when Archer checked on the shelf, but those could have been induced by the liquor. "I must have been hearing things."

"If you say so." Hawkeye looked back up at the house and noticed Archer was watching them from the window. He had a glass of brandy in his hand, still and his eyes were drooping. He must have been as smashed as Mustang. Hawkeye shook her head and started back for the steering wheel. "It's going to be a long day, tomorrow."

* * *

Kimblee jumped when the door slammed open and Archer stumbled in; he was leaning on the door frame to stay up. Archer's eyes were slit in an uninhibited drunken rage. He looked positively ready to murder the Crimson Alchemist with his own two hands. Kimblee had never felt so giddy in his life. "Have fun?"

"No." Archer had a headache. And it's name was Kimblee. "You just couldn't be quiet, could you? Had to go making noise and break not only my favorite vase but my book shelf as well! You should be damn thankful that Mustang was smashed and easily mislead!"

Kimblee licked his lips and let the smile stretch across his face slowly. "I said I'd stay in the back. Can't blame me for wanting him to come willingly to the slaughter."

Archer moved faster than Kimblee was expecting and the Crimson Alchemist found himself pinned to the bed with Archer's pale fingers wrapped around his throat. Kimblee squirmed, but Archer had a weight advantage sitting square on his stomach. Kimblee would have thought this was all terribly arousing had not Archer's thumbs been pressing into Kimblee's Adam's apple. Kimblee found himself more choking to breathe than able to appreciate the close body contact. However, Kimblee was able to choke out a few words. "I thought you were going to feed me your gun."

"Shut up for once in your damn life." Archer shifted the grip to put a stop to that foul mouth of the man under him. Archer leant down closer so that the man would hear every quiet word. He would not waste his voice on this annoyance. "And open up your ears."

Kimblee started to pull his arms up to grab at Archer's wrists. Usually he wouldn't be concerned about Archer doing anything past threats, but at the moment the man smelled of liquor. Sober Archer was all talk, but apparently the man was a violent drunk. Now Kimblee knew why Archer never had more than one or two drinks. Kimblee knew he was a lightweight, just not that it had such adverse effects. Though, in the right situation this violent streak could be sort of fun. Granted, Archer's ability to hold his liquor was probably not a thought Kimblee should be lingering on when his vision was blacking out.

"I do not appreciate you trying to ruin everything I've worked so hard for just because you're jealous." Archer hissed and smirked when Kimblee's eyes shot open and focused hard on him. Archer leant in closer so that his mouth was next to Kimblee's ear purposefully so that the hot breath caressed his skin. "That's right, I know all about your little school-boy crush."

"Than you won't mind, then?" Kimblee forced out as he slowly pulled Archer's fingers away from his throat. This time, the confusion was spreading over Archer's face and Kimblee used that small opening to turn the tables. It was only fair if Archer was going to tease like that with no intention of putting out. Kimblee was just taking what he had earned.

"Wha-" Archer was cut off by a mouth covering his and a thick tongue shoved into his open mouth. Lanky fingers suddenly left his wrists and buried themselves in his hair. Between the shock and Kimblee's weight, Archer fell on top of the alchemist briefly. Archer shoved himself back and away from the other man as soon as he was stable enough. Kimblee was leaning back on the bed with a satisfied smirk and licked his lips. Archer's hands were gripping the blanket and he could still taste Kimblee's spit in his mouth. "What the hell?"

"I was acting on my school-boy crush." Kimblee laughed as Archer rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. Now that he was calmer, the Crimson Alchemist noticed the swaying. He had to laugh; Archer only had his wits when he was trying to kill something. Now that the moment had ended, Kimblee's friend was back to being a drunkard. "Can you blame me?"

"Don't ever do that again." Archer scooted back another inch to get further away from the pervert, or he tried to. The fact of the matter was, there wasn't anywhere for him to scoot and the man fell over the edge of his bed. "Shit!"

Kimblee blinked for a moment as the object of his affection disappeared from view, save for a standard issue military boot that was hanging in the air at the edge of the bed. Kimblee crawled forward to lay on his stomach and look over the edge at the man on his back groaning. Kimblee sat his head down on his hands. "You don't look so good."

"Go to hell."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update for everybody; forgive any typos if you catch um; I'm not in the mood to care nor check. Regardless, I still rather like this chapter. Archer amuses me. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

Archer couldn't have felt more proud if he tried.

"With that, I think I'm going to turn in for the rest of the weekend, sir." Archer nodded at Colonel Mustang and started to pull off his dress gloves.

Roy held back the yawn that was hovering behind his mouth and nodded in return. "I agree. That was quite a sprint wasn't it? I'm impressed nothing went wrong."

"They're good soldiers."

"That they are." Mustang looked over when he was called by his Lieutenant. "If you'll excuse me."

"Of course, sir." Archer watched the man walk off and turned to the other officer who was still weeping with joy over the wonderful performance. "See you on Monday, Major."

Archer wasn't sure if he had been heard or not, but walked off towards his lab, regardless. The parade had gone flawlessly and his unit received praise from the Führer himself for their performance. Working with Mustang, Armstrong and the troops from eight in the morning to close to ten at night had been worth it to see them shine. The rifle salute had been a particular crowd pleaser and Archer almost wished he could watch it again. Though, no matter how well it went would not change the fact Archer swore he was never putting together a parade show again. Or at least not without a few weeks notice and another set of officers to help direct and train rookies in proper marching file and rank formations.

However, now that the parade was over, Archer had to swallow his pride and deal with his other problem: Kimblee.

Early Friday morning, Archer had woken up on the floor with a monstrous hangover and the knowledge that he had troops to train within the hour. Archer still wasn't sure how he managed to remember the troops through the splitting headache or register the time of day, but he did. He also heard every bone in his back creak and cry out as he pulled himself up and looked down at his wrinkled uniform. After picking at it and wondering how much time he had to change, a "Morning, sunshine" had rang out behind him. Archer found himself looking at a rather smug looking Crimson alchemist sprawled out on his bed.

Archer now had a bullet shaped hole that went straight through his pillow, mattress and wall.

It had been worth it though to see Kimblee nearly wet himself and to see the first true forced grin whose purpose was to cover cowardice leap onto his face. Archer had the strands of hair that had been blown off in a small jar on his dresser and he finally knew why Hawkeye shot at her Colonel so damn much in the office. It was a wonderful stress reliever. Not to mention he finally had Kimblee's utmost attention and he then made his point very clear: "If I see you before the end of the day on Saturday- I will kill you."

Kimblee had taken the hint and Archer was free to work all Friday in peace to see the parade on Saturday. He hadn't seen hide nor hair of the man anywhere near or around the parade grounds or training fields. But now that the parade had ended, Archer expected Kimblee to pop up any moment now with his usual cocky demeanor. It was probably best just to get it over with and find the man. Then Archer would lay down the ground rules concerning this 'crush.'

Archer double checked that his gun was loaded.

* * *

Armstrong listened closely to Hawkeye as she described what she gleaned from the Colonel from his stay at Archer's home on Thursday night and he grimaced. Despite Colonel Mustang's claims of it being his drunken imagination, Armstrong had a pretty good idea just who was over at Archer's house that night. The man must be getting sloppy if he allowed Kimblee and Mustang under the same roof.

That or he was feeling extra confident.

Either way, things were getting likely that Mustang was going to find Kimblee before Armstrong or Archer could point out his existence. The Strong Arm alchemist was now faced with the dilemma of "to tell or not to tell?" that plagued so many other informants.

"You're awfully quiet, Major. Is something wrong?" Mustang looked up from his desk (Hawkeye had made him do all the paperwork he missed on Friday after the parade, the witch.) at the other man who had graciously offered to keep him company on a saturday.

However, Armstrong only had suspicions about whether or not it was Kimblee at the house, so he chose to keep things quiet until Archer made his big move towards Liore. Which was probably coming up soon, despite his hopes towards otherwise. "Of course, not. I'm just a bit tired from the festivities."

Mustang couldn't himself. "But I could have sworn that stamina was a strong trait of the Armstrong family."

The Major laughed. "That it is! Do not let that answer fool you, I'm ready to jump into battle at a moment's notice!"

"Ah, then how about jumping into this paperwork and helping?"

"The Armstrong Family also has a strong tradition of honor! I could never forge your signature."

"I figured as much." Mustang laughed as the other man posed.

Both stopped however when the gunshot rang through the office and Hawkeye peered around the corner of the door. "Less laughing more work."

"Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

Tucker still hadn't given Kimblee his watch back. He had meant to, but when Kimblee finally came back to the lab he looked ready to murder the first thing that moved with his own hands. And he had; that poor Chimera didn't stand a chance and Tucker was now short one. He just hoped it wasn't the one Archer had grown fond of in his visits or there was going to be hell to pay. Currently though, said Crimson Alchemist was _still_ sitting at the table like he had been for the past two days. "You two had a fight I take it?"

"He shot at me."

"Did you do something to provoke him?"

"Not really."

"Are you sure?"

There was a slight pause of silence before "I kissed him."

"I see." Tucker hummed. "Are you sure that's all you did?"

"It's none of your business." Kimblee smacked his fists on the table. He was trying to think and that damn chimera-thing kept trying to have a conversation. "Just shut up."

"All right." Tucker shrugged. At least Kimblee wasn't blowing anything up. If the other man wanted to stare at the wall, that was fine.

As the chimera went back to clinking and tinkering with the watches he had been given to improve, Kimblee went back to his steam of thoughts: how to get Archer to like him again. Every idea he came up with tended to end in failure in his head. Though, the best so far was to sit down and talk it out with Archer and let the man know that 'no' was not an option. Because Kimblee had made up his mind: this wasn't a crush anymore.

This was love.

Yes, Kimblee knew it was love the moment Archer shot at him, threatened to kill him in all seriousness and the alchemist realized he was still hopelessly attracted to the man. If that wasn't love, nothing was. Though, Kimblee needed another word to describe these feelings. He had a feeling if he came up to Archer and said "I love you" he'd be shot anyway. His second worry was if Archer absolutely refused to return these feelings. Which was not an option because Kimblee was dead set on killing anything that managed to win over Archer when Kimblee himself could not.

In other words, he needed a plan to make Archer realize that Kimblee was the one for him and then they could have some real fun. Like going on dates. Fun dates that involved killing hookers and snuggling afterwards while drinking a warm glass of brandy on Archer's couch next to a fire. Kimblee frowned and gripped his fists. No fire. Fire was instantly associated with _that man._

Who Kimblee still needed to kill.

But anyway, his thoughts were straying from the true objective. A date with Archer was what they needed. And it should be easy, if you thought about it – all those times they hung out as 'friends' eating, drinking and sleeping were just dates under a different name. The only thing that was changing from those good times was Kimblee was expecting to get laid at the end of the day.

Kimblee sulked and put his head in his arms on the work table. The getting laid part was his biggest obstacle. He may have acted cocky, but the disgust that covered Archer's face after the kiss, even if he was drunk, was still fresh in Kimblee's mind. He hadn't been that bad; not if the kiss had felt so damn good on his end, anyway. Surely Archer felt something to?

"Good god, for someone obsessed with me you'd think he'd answer when I call him."

"He has been out of it for the past two days." Tucker shrugged and looked at his superior. Archer had walked into the room about five minutes ago and called out to Kimblee, but the man continued to stare out into space.

Archer took a seat in his usual chair and looked down at the chimera cage. "Why are there only four?"

"Take a guess."

Archer took in a shaky breath through his teeth and pinched his nose. He would not get angry. Archer was calm, cool and collected. The parade had gone well. He was in a good mood. Archer would not get angry. "When will it be replaced?"

"By sometime next week."

"Very good, Tucker." Archer lowered his voice on the off chance Kimblee actually _was_ listening and just pretending. "At least one of you is reliable."

Tucker chuckled. "Why thank-you sir."

"But, enough is enough." Archer walked over to Kimblee and snapped his heels together when he stopped. He took in a deep breath and with the same force he used on the rookie troops, shouted out "Attention!"

Kimblee fell out of his chair.

When those golden eyes were looking up at him from the floor, Archer smirked. "About damn time."

The Crimson Alchemist asked himself what it was he liked about this man again. He looked at Archer's amused face and sparkling blue eyes that reveled in his discomfort and remembered: Archer was equally as much a sadist as Kimblee. "You could have just said 'hello.'"

"I did." Archer shrugged and went back to his chair. "You ignored me for the wall."

"Oh."

'Oh,' indeed. Archer crossed his legs as Kimblee started to pull himself up from the floor. The Lieutenant Colonel made sure that Tucker was still sitting close by to act as referee should things get out of hand, so Archer cleared his throat. "I think it's time we had a chat."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the next chapter. I think I like the short chapter style; it's easier to write and get chapters out faster. Now if only I could start updating my other fics as faithfully...either way - enjoy the Kimblee and Archer goodness! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

They had come to a compromise.

On Kimblee's end, Archer agreed to make room in his schedule for 'outings' with the alchemist. This included going out for drinks or hanging out at Archer's home. Kimblee had even managed to smuggle in a weekend trip to another town in casual wear so they could get away with some serious fun. For Archer, Kimblee in return agreed to keep his hands (and lips) to himself and limit his 'sleepovers' to Friday and Saturday so Archer could get sleep for work. Kimblee also promised to start helping with office work. Overall, Archer had rejected Kimblee's affections (though he never did voice them explicitly), but the future time together left Kimblee hopeful. He even offered to buy the next bottle of brandy; Archer's choice.

Tucker sighed at his table and rested the top of his head on the back of his hand (sometimes having your head on upside-down was really quite a pain) while the two argued. They had agreed quite admirably on almost all terms save for one: Kimblee wanted to meet Mustang. Between the shouting, explosions and Kimblee getting smacked with the butt of a firearm, Tucker had long since given up trying to concentrate. For the tenth time that night, he wondered why on earth they had chosen his lab to duke out their terms.

"For the absolute last time: NO!" Archer snarled outright before unbuttoning the top of his shirt with a swift, forceful motion. The uniform jacket had long since been discarded in frustration. "If Colonel Mustang sees you he's going to throw a fit and get you kicked out!"

"How can he? I was fully reinstated!" Kimblee slammed his hand down on the table. "You just don't want anyone to see me!" Wishful thinking let Kimblee believe that was due to Archer wanting Kimblee all to himself; reality tuned in that Archer was ashamed of a loose-canon subordinate. Either way, Kimblee was fed up with not being able to confront Mustang face to face about _his_ Archer. "He can't do shit to me!"

Archer waved his hand as if to try and emphasize his point. "He'll make a scene."

"Only if you let him!"

"The moment you screw up he's going to be there like a hawk!" Archer hissed. Time for a new tactic. "He'll be _watching_ for you to kill something. Do you want to go back to jail?"

"I'll behave."

"Like you did the other day? Or what about all those people missing on the street?" Archer grabbed the man's jacket and pulled him in close. "If he catches you, I'll go down for association and conspiracy! Then everything we've worked for will be for nothing! Do you even use that brain of yours?"

"I swear that I will not do _anything_ that will give Flame ammo against you or me." Kimblee smirked. Archer was being stubborn; time to pull out the big guns. When it came down to force, Kimblee won. "Which is a lot better than what I'll do if you don't agree to my terms."

"Is that a threat?"

"Having you all to myself in a jail cell actually sounds rather nice."

"You're sick." Archer let go of the man and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "I can't agree to this."

"You can." Kimblee narrowed his eyes. Archer was getting tired and frustrated; perfect. Kimblee couldn't keep real tabs on Mustang or get in between Archer and Mustang if he wasn't within view. Therefore, the ability to be present was required. "And you will."

Archer rose an eyebrow at the underlying threat and smirked. It was a bluff. "Is that so? What gives you the right to make such a demand?"

"This." Kimblee's hands shot forward and yanked up Archer's uniform shirt out of his pants. Archer gasped in confusion momentarily and Kimblee used that time to smack his palms together and slam them into Archer's stomach. Finally, Kimblee got to see what those pretty blue eyes looked like when they were scared. It was only a flicker; but Kimblee had memorized every detail. "I think you keep forgetting just what it is I do as the Crimson Alchemist."

"You make things go 'boom,' I know." The slight crack in Archer's voice did not go unnoticed if Kimblee's widened smirk was anything to go by. Not that he could be blamed; the tingling sensation that was spreading very slowly on his stomach was enough to set off warning bells. Surly Kimblee wouldn't actually kill him? Would he? "You're bluffing."

Kimblee's fingers twitched against the man's rips and he started to move them in a small, massaging motion on the skin. Archer's fingers were stark white as they gripped the back table to keep from shaking. "Ever heard the phrase 'If I can't have you…?"

"No one can." Archer finished and almost snorted. He rolled his shoulder to try and get rid of some of the tension. Archer wanted to squirm and wriggle away from those damned hands, but he wasn't sure what Kimblee was doing! It didn't help that his hands were cold despite the burning of his skin. The sensation was surreal. "Take your hands off me."

"I don't think that would be a good idea." Kimblee laughed as the resisted the urge to move and back away. Between Kimblee's hands and the desk he was leaning against, Archer had no where to go. "I already turned the surface of your skin into a bomb. When my hands come off it'll activate."

"Kimblee." The fear was slowly turning to anger which was in Archer's favor. "Undo it, immediately."

"Agree to let me come out of hiding."

"I refuse."

"Then I'll just have to let this pretty stomach of yours blow up." Kimblee shrugged with a smile. "You'll live."

"You're a dead man."

"If you were going through with that threat I would have been dead long ago." Kimblee laughed. "You still need me."

"We've had this conversation before." Archer snorted. "It's getting repetitive and that only means the same for you."

"Like I said; I just need you to live." Kimblee glared and looked down at Archer's stomach. He tilted his head for a moment in concentration and lifted a single finger. A tiny detonation occurred leaving a gash about an inch in width. Archer hissed in a deep breath. The blood ran down Kimblee's fingers and he mourned the mark on Archer's skin, but it was necessary. "It'll hurt more if I let the entire thing go."

"Bastard." Archer took a calming breath and looked down to see the damage, but Kimblee's damn fingers were in the way.

"Just say yes."

"No."

Another explosion erupted on the skin leaving a matching gash on the opposite side. The alchemist pouted and pressed his forehead into Archer's. "Don't make me do this."

Kimblee was serious; Archer noted and his own personal resolve was breaking. He had thought the man was bluffing earlier, but now he wasn't so sure. The almost affection touching of their heads only added to the confusion. "It's not time yet."

Kimblee almost lifted another finger, but held out. For once in his life, he really didn't want to mar any more of the flesh under his fingers. Kimblee lifted his head and caught the man's eyes. He didn't want to, but desperate times called for desperate measures. "Last chance. Let me come out of hiding and interact with everyone else, including Mustang, or things are going to get messy in here."

The paler man looked at those gold eyes and saw the bits of jealousy, anger and insanity swirling. He was in the room with a ticking, unstable time bomb. Archer's pride would have to take a hit for self preservation. "I have your word that you won't do anything stupid or incriminating."

Archer's resolve had broken; Kimblee smiled. "I give you my word."

"Fine." Archer frowned. "You win, I'll introduce you formally to the office on Monday."

"See? That wasn't hard." Kimblee laughed as he started to undo the transmutation of Archer's skin. He picked up a rag off the counter and pushed it into the gashes on his stomach to help the bleeding clot. "You could have saved yourself some trouble by just agreeing in the first place."

"Don't push your luck." Archer snatched the rag and held it to his stomach. The blood had seeped its way down into the fabric of his pants and Archer nearly punched Kimblee for the hell of it. Blood stains were a pain to clean. "Now get the hell out and leave me alone."

The Crimson Alchemist almost refused (it was a weekend!), but reconsidered. Archer was pissed and just had his well-being threatened, not to mention the suffering his ego was probably going through. He could wait until next week to start his sleepovers again. So, with a smile (he got what he wanted after all) Kimblee turned and put his hands in his pockets ready to leave. However, he frowned when his fingers felt something cold in metallic in his pocket. "Oh, yeah."

Archer sighed tiredly. He wanted to go home and take a nap. A long, long nap and pretend this was all some bad dream. "What?"

"This is for you."

Archer looked up at the dog tags that Kimblee dangled in front of his face. He snatched them and turned his head to look at the name. "And this is?"

"Gutter's dog tags." Kimblee shrugged. "It was all that was left. I forgot to give them to you the other day."

"Fine, you did your job properly. Good job." Archer waved his hand. "Now leave."

Kimblee left with a much noted spring in his step and Archer wondered if shooting the man in the back of the head was worth it. Considering the trouble introducing him to Mustang was going to cause it might just be worth it. Archer wanted a stiff drink.

"Uh, sir."

"Tucker?" Archer turned around and looked at the giant chimera who had a single paw lifted in the air. "Ah, I forgot you were there."

"I tried to stay out of it."

"Smart man." Archer sighed and cracked his neck both directions. A bath might be good, too. "What is it?"

"That rag is soaked in a cleaning chemical compound." Tucker started again with a stutter when Archer flinched. "Y…you might want to remove it from your wound. It's poisonous."

"I'm going to kill him." Archer smacked his head onto the table and just didn't move. He was too tired.

The chimera man frowned and headed over. If Archer died of poisoning or blood loss than Nina would never get her body finished. Such a bother. Tucker took the man's arm and lead him to the back; he threw the now bloody rag off the table. "There's a sink to rinse off over here."

It was going to be a long day on Monday, Archer was sure.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of these days I'll update one of my other fics, but for now – enjoy another chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone! It really brightens my day.

 

Major Alex Armstrong knew there was something very wrong with the world the moment he stepped foot into Lieutenant Colonel's office. To be more specific, Zolf J. Kimblee was sitting at a desk in the back corner glaring at a piece of paper. Completely out in the open during standard work hours, complete with uniform. Everyone else seemed to be working as per usual, though they did steal the occasional glance back to the new addition. Frank Archer was looking his normal self and filling out paperwork like there wasn't a homicidal lunatic sitting less than ten feet from his person.

Archer took a deep breath internally when he saw Armstrong enter into the office from his peripheral. Introducing Kimblee to the regular office was a piece of cake; he was just a new addition to the staff. Most of them questioned why he was doing sergeant paperwork considering his rank, but otherwise he was accepted. But now Archer needed to re-introduce the man to Major Armstrong who would inevitably tell Mustang. Time for the dog and pony show to begin; Archer cleared his throat and attempted to sound nonchalant. "Is there a problem, Major?"

"Ah, no sir." Armstrong turned his head to the much smaller man looking at him thoughtfully. He tilted his head in Crimson's direction with a slight nod. "I was just noticing the new face."

"Ah yes," Archer chuckled and hoped he sounded non-threatening. He lay one arm down on the desk and waved with the other to indicate Kimblee. "I believe you were introduced to Lieutenant Colonel Kimblee in Dublith, yes?"

Armstrong's eyes widened slightly; he hadn't realized that part of the deal. If that was true, than Crimson had more power than he originally anticipated. He was of equal rank with his 'boss.' "Lieutenant Colonel, sir?"

"Yes, his promotion from Major was an act of kindness in order to rectify the grievances brought about by false charges. He was cleared of said charges and returned to service in my office."

Armstrong stared. _Promotion? False charges? Cleared of said charges?_ The words kept pouring through the man's mind. He had seen Crimson in Ishbal. The Strong Arm was more than aware that the accusations against the Crimson Alchemist as a comrade killer and murderer were highly accurate- yet they were completely wiped from the record? Archer had more connections than the Major had given him credit. Suddenly, the blue eyed man was much more of a threat. Mustang needed to be informed immediately.

"Why so quiet, Strong Arm?" Kimblee chuckled and tossed the paper back onto his desk. This menial paperwork was so pointless; Kimblee couldn't figure out how Archer could stand to do it all day. "Aren't you happy to see an old war buddy?"

Armstrong kept his mouth shut; the entire office was watching for his reaction and this was no place to start a verbal spar. His family pride would never allow it. "No, I am just surprised. That's all."

"In any case, what did you need?" Archer cut in abruptly. Kimblee was bored and likely to try and pick a fight despite his promises. And as always, it was Archer's job to change the subject before things spiraled out of control. He was such a good leader. "Are those the documents I asked for Friday afternoon?"

"Yes, sir." Armstrong handed over the folder he had carried in to the other man and saluted. Now that his task was done, he needed to quickly inform the Colonel of the new developments. "If that will be all, I'll take my leave."

"Yes, yes. You're dismissed." Archer waved his hand and started to look over the files. He sighed internally when he realized he was going to need Mustang's signature on a few of these pages. Someone really hated him. Shame Mustang was probably going to find out about Kimblee _before_ he could get the man to volunteer his John Hancock.

Armstrong strode out of the office quickly and headed straight for the office of his true superior. Colonel Mustang needed to be informed of this movement on the part of the 'enemy' immediately. Originally, Armstrong had been under the impression that Archer was waiting for Liore to reveal his trump card, and that was when he would tell Mustang to make his move. But apparently plans were changing. He turned swiftly into the office and stood in front of the lead lady. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, is Colonel Mustang available?"

"Major?" Hawkeye looked up from her desk. The man's sparkle was still present, but his eyes were serious and concerned. She straightened her back and gave him her full attention."Yes, of course."

"I'll see him, then." The Strong Arm spotted Mustang behind a desk talking with Lieutenant Havoc. Armstrong headed straight for the Colonel and saluted. Armstrong didn't wait for Mustang to acknowledge him before speaking. "I need to speak with you immediately."

Roy looked up at Armstrong and set down the papers he had been holding onto Havoc's desk. One look over at the Major and Mustang realized that Archer had finally made his move. He looked down at his Lieutenant with a nod. "I'll be later to help finish this, Havoc."

"Okay, Chief." Havoc nodded and watched the two alchemists leave the room in quite the hurry. He looked over at Feury, Falman and Breda and frowned. Havoc noticed that they too shared the same confused look he himself was surely sporting from the sudden change in atmosphere. Hawkeye on the other hand just looked concerned and edgy; much like Havoc when he didn't fit his cigarette break into the day. That couldn't be good.

* * *

"I think the day went rather well myself." Kimblee smirked and sat on the edge of Archer's desk. It was close to four-thirty and Archer had let the other officers leave early for putting up with his exploding paper airplanes and rubber bands. (Kimblee was still amused by the one poor sap who's uniform got set on fire; when it was over even the sergeant was laughing so Archer couldn't say anything.) At the very least he had done his paperwork obediently for the first part of the day. Kimblee even finished filling out about six forms. "Now let's end it on a good note too and get a drink."

"That actually sounds rather nice," Archer smiled. Aside from a few playful antics, Kimblee had behaved and he had yet to see any signs of a storming Roy Mustang. The Colonel must have been taking things better than he originally thought. Archer wanted to take this small blessing and dive into good drink and good company. Kimblee was rather pleasant when he wasn't being a possessive, homicidal ass, after all. "Do you remember that one bar we went to last month? How about we go there?"

"Sounds good to me." Kimblee smirked and closed the folder Archer was working in. He leaned over and grinned like a child. Archer was in a good mood and it was infectious. "So come on! Let's get out of this stuffy office and get drunk off our asses."

"Listen, I have to finish that first since I already bothered to start with it." Archer pulled the folder back open and frowned at the smeared ink. It hadn't had time to dry yet. "Then, we can leave."

"Ah, everyone else left early. Who's going to-" Kimblee was cut off by a door slamming open. He turned around and came face to face with the Flame Alchemist and smirked. The man definitely looked enraged and that made Kimblee happy. "Well hello there, Flame. Long time no see."

"Crimson." Roy spat out the man's name and could feel his blood boiling; the urge to just snap and wipe him out of the room was tempting. When Armstrong first informed him earlier about that man's re-instatement to the military, Roy hadn't believed him. There was no possible way that man should even be alive let alone back in arms. Before he could confirm it for himself, though, Roy had been called off to a meeting and had to wait. But now he was standing before that same man with the lanky gait and smirk that had disgusted him at Ishbal. But Kimblee was just a pawn, Mustang turned his anger towards the one who brought that monster here. "Archer, what is the meaning of this?"

"Oh, did Major Armstrong not tell you?" Archer leant back into his seat and tried to appear calm. Truth be told, being in the same room with two, well explosive alchemists was slightly unnerving. He had no desire to be incinerated before he even got to lead troops to Liore. "Lt. Colonel Kimblee was wrongfully accused of crimes he did not commit during Ishbal and has thus been cleared of all charges. Now he's working in my office under my command."

"Wrongfully accused?" Roy gaped. "That man is guilty of every charge." Roy pointed straight at the man and was tempted to walk across the room and slam his fists on the desk of that pompous war monger. "How can you even dare to say he is innocent with a straight face?"

Archer shrugged and smirked slightly despite the twitching of his hands under the desk. "Be that as it may, he was cleared by the Führer himself. Are you going to argue a decision made by our head of state, Colonel?"

Kimblee almost laughed as Mustang snarled and tried to keep his mouth shut. Arguing against the Führer's orders was as good as treason. Flame was in a bind and it was just too good. Kimblee went ahead and added a bit of coal to the fire while he could get away with it. "It'll be nice working with you again, Mustang."

"I can not say I share the same sentiments." It was hard for Roy to talk through his gritted teeth, but he managed. The Colonel took a deep breath to calm himself first, and then looked straight at Archer. He'd just have to keep his eyes on the both of them.

"Well, I think I've had enough for the day." Archer smiled and re-closed the folder now that the ink was dry. He knew it was sudden, but getting out of the office and firing range was becoming higher on Archer's list. Not that Mustang would do anything, but then again you never knew with alchemists. "Kimblee and I were just on our way out to have a drink, care to join us, Colonel?"

Kimblee's eyes widened and his head snapped to look at Archer. There was no way in hell he had just invited Mustang on their date. He searched Archer's face for any sign that it was a bluff and he just asked out of politeness…but why even mention it in the first place? Kimblee's fists were gripping and he tried to stay calm. Archer didn't' like it when he was jealous openly. But Mustang had better say no; for everyone's sake.

"I'll have to pass." Mustang frowned and shook his head. It seemed the confrontation was coming to a close. "I mainly came to confirm for myself the rumors I had been hearing. Having done such, I'm heading back to finish my own work."

"Have a good day, Colonel." Archer nodded from his seat. When the man had left, he turned to Kimblee and smiled for real with a slight quirk of his eyebrow. "I'm impressed; you didn't kill him."

Kimblee smirked right back and crossed his arms. "I told you I could behave when I wanted."

Archer laughed; Kimblee looked like a grade school student waiting to be praised fro finishing his homework. Archer shook his head and reached for his overcoat. "Yes, now how about that drink?"

Kimblee nodded and watched as Archer gathered his things. The first hurdle had been crossed now that Mustang was onto the playing field. All things considered, it hadn't gone that badly. Mustang was just angry but hadn't shown any signs just yet of doing something stupid. And now Kimblee just had to deal with the second hurdle: getting Archer to fall for him. Kimblee wanted another kiss.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came out of nowhere, but that's okay because I like it. Mwa ha ha ha ha. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

"So help me when I get my hands on that brat I'm going to fry him." Roy growled dangerously at the door. "This is beyond immature, even for him."

Archer rolled his eyes and shifted his arm slightly, not that he had much room to move. Mustang squirmed slightly and the Lieutenant Colonel managed to free his arm from the space between Mustang's back and the wall. "Than why did you provoke the boy in the first place? He's famous for that _short_ temper of his."

Roy snorted and nearly laughed. "I can not believe you of all people just cracked a short joke on Fullmetal."

"It felt appropriate." Archer shrugged, or attempted to anyway.

"It probably was." Roy sighed and gripped his fists. "I'm still going to rip him apart once we get out of here."

Archer agreed with the Colonel whole-heartedly. This damned situation was absolutely absurd and it was all the fault of two idiot alchemists. It was your fairly standard procedure, really: Flame mocks Fullmetal, Fullmetal gets angry, Flame smirks, Archer walks by at the wrong moment, Fullmetal shoves both Flame and Archer into closet and alchemically seals the door shut. It would not have been so bad had Fullmetal _not_ stolen Mustang's alchemy gloves or if the closet wasn't a broom closet. Two full grown men shoved into a space of two and a half square feet was not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course someone would hear the pounding and let them out eventually, Archer knew. But being the pessimist that he was, Archer feared Kimblee might find them first. Archer and Mustang flush together in a closet. Yes, if fate loved him as much as Archer believed it did, Kimblee would most definitely find them first. Archer prayed he could run fast enough to get on a train out of central before _that_ little episode started.

"Are you sure you don't have a pen or something?" Roy grumbled and did his best to stay as far away from Archer as possible, but it just wasn't working. There was too little space and he had no choice but to have at least some part of his body touching the other man's at all times. Fullmetal was dead when Roy got out of this closet. "I can't make a spark but I can probably open the door if I could write a circle."

"No, I told you I was using my pen when I was finishing that report in the hallway." Archer huffed. "Which means my pen is with my report sprawled out in the middle of the floor."

"Dammit." Roy banged on the door again and listened. "Still no sign of anyone outside. That or this door is thicker than it looks and we just can't hear anything."

"This is a fairly secluded hallway." Archer yanked Mustang's State Alchemist watch out of his pocket to check the time. Mustang frowned at him but otherwise didn't say anything. Its not like Mustang could reach it from the position they were standing. "We've got about twenty minutes until lunch. It's our best bet."

"Assuming Fullmetal didn't hide the door with alchemy." Roy sighed and rubbed his eyes. Knowing Fullmetal, he probably didn't even realize he had shoved two people into the room instead of one. If he head, even if it was Archer, there was a chance Fullmetal would have just locked the door and run. "I wouldn't put it past him."

"How efficient of him." Archer pushed the watch back into the pocket and leant against the wall. He huffed irritably. "So, now what?"

"We hope someone goes to lunch early."

"Brilliant."

* * *

Tucker sighed into the air above before shaking his head. The large man pouted pathetically and tried to inch closer to the wall. There was a very ferocious beast growling at him and he feared for his life. "I'm telling you, I haven't seen him today. Archer missed his appointment to see the chimera and check up on the watches."

"But where the hell could he be?" Kimblee put his hands on his waist and cocked his head, still snarling. Crimson had been waiting for the other officer for hours before giving up and looking for him. The most logical place for the man to be was with Tucker, but he wasn't here! "Archer left the office around 11:30 to turn in some report and then never came back. It's almost three now!"

"I'm sure he just got distracted by work or something." Tucker shifted towards his workbench where his chalk was sitting. Best to be armed in case Kimblee went off.

"That better be all, he promised we were going out today after work." Kimblee huffed and kicked the chimera cage hard enough to rattle the bars. The little monster closest to the side whimpered and dived into a far corner. Kimblee still couldn't figure out how Archer's favorite was the biggest coward. Maybe he thought it was cute or something. "I'm going to go look for him."

"Good luck." Tucker waved. He hoped wherever Archer was he had a good excuse for disappearing considering how pissed off Kimblee looked. He sighed. Those two had been doing so well with each other for the past week, too. Since Mustang was lying low (or according to Archer anyway), the two Lieutenant Colonels had almost morphed back to their selves from a month or so ago when they were practically good friends.

Kimblee's efforts on wooing the other man, however, had not gone so well. Archer didn't like the flowers (Kimblee still wasn't sure why he'd tried that one…), didn't like Kimblee snuggling, and absolutely refused to humor the man with a kiss here or there. Archer was adamant in making it clear he only wanted to be friends. Kimblee had made some snide remark about Archer being as bad as a woman that got him shot at. The Crimson alchemist had decided it was worth it and just gave it a rest. He'd try again the next time he saw Archer.

 _If_ he ever saw the other man again.

By four o'clock, Kimblee had not seen hide nor hair of his favorite Lieutenant Colonel. The man wasn't in his office, in Mustang's office, with Major Armstrong, or even in the shooting range. Kimblee had double checked back with Tucker to find the man actually angry at being interrupted for once and was thrown out. So, Kimblee tried the mess hall and the shooting range again. Still no signs of Archer. Where else could he possibly be? Kimblee shoved his hands into his pockets as he stomped down the latest empty hallway he was going to search. Where on earth did he go?

Kimblee was about turn around and head back towards the man's office to double check that he wasn't just hidden behind a desk or something as a joke, when he heard the pounding. The Crimson Alchemist stopped to stare at the wall and held his ear close to it. There was definitely a pounding noise coming through and a muffled voice shouting. Crossing his fingers, Kimblee called out "Archer?"

* * *

"Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Granted."

"I'm shooting your subordinate in the kneecaps the first chance I get, sir."

"Granted."

Archer smacked his head against the wall. Four hours. He'd been trapped in a closet with Colonel Roy Mustang for four hours. The first hour they had actually talked about their training unit and just about the only thing they both agreed upon was that they were good troops to be proud of. Afterwards, Archer decided he just didn't care and having nothing better to do, gave his report to the Colonel on their progress and the training regiment for next week right there in the closet instead of tomorrow as scheduled. Hour three was silent save for the occasional pounding on the door in hopes someone could hear them. Now going on hour five, they were both regaining their anger and the irritation was starting to set in full force.

"Can't you scoot over a bit?"

"I'm sorry, sir. But there's no where to scoot." Archer sighed but tried shifting regardless. It was truly pointless. Archer stretched his neck out to work on some of the kinks since that was near the only thing he could move freely.

"We need to move or something, both of my legs are falling asleep." Roy mumbled and looked disdainfully at the door.

"With all due respect, it's already hot enough in here without us moving." Archer worked an arm up to undo the collar of his uniform jacket in an attempt to get a tiny bit of air flow. "At least there's a vent above us."

"Shame it's too small to fit either of us."

"Agreed." Archer paused in shaking his collar trying to pull in air. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Footsteps." Archer reached over and banged a fist on the door. When the footfalls paused, Archer started banging even harder and began shouting. "Hey! Over here!"

Roy joined in on the other side and hit the wall just as hard and continued to shout by his side. They were just about to give up, when they heard a muffled "Archer?"

"In here!" Archer called as loud as he could but couldn't help the niggling voice in the back of his head that the voice he heard was familiar. But he was too desperate to get out to care. "We're trapped!"

"Is there a door on the other side? I'm looking at a wall."

"No! It's a closet." Roy answered their savior. "Go get an alchemist or a sledge hammer."

"I've got better."

"Oh shit." Archer grabbed Mustang and pulled him back from the door and held him tight against the wall. He suddenly remembered his relationship with fate and where he'd heard that voice.

"Wha-" Roy was cut off when he saw the wall start changing color and he recognized the alchemy. "Kimblee!"

Archer closed his eyes when the wall exploded and grunted when the back-wave slammed him further into Mustang. One thing lead to another and he lost his balance, ironically grabbing Mustang's coat on instinct. Together they both hit the ground with a thud and Archer tried to groan, but something was blocking the sound.

Kimblee smirked as the dust cleared and he looked at his handy work. He couldn't wait to hear how Archer had gotten trapped behind a wall in a closet. It was sure to be a good laugh. However, when the dust fully cleared and Kimblee got a good look at the other man, he realized Archer hadn't been alone in that closet. Kimblee's eyes narrowed and his face formed a nasty snarl. Roy Mustang was on top of Archer and he was _kissing him._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm off to sleep. Enjoy the next chapter! Ha ha, hopefully things will start getting more normal in the next chapter. I didn't mean for it to go into crack-land with the whole closet fiasco- no matter how much fun it was to write. XD Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

Archer wondered if shooting himself in the head was too drastic of an option. Because he certainly couldn't run, as Mustang was still on top of him. (Also a pain because the man's knee was digging into his side...) So Archer tried for fake affection and hoped it breached the aura of rage that was almost visible around his explosive companion. Archer also did his best to pretend Mustang and he were not still entangled on the floor. "Ah, Kimblee! Thank-you for rescuing us from that closet."

"What." Crimson sucked in a breath through his teeth. He'd give them one minute to explain themselves before he killed Mustang. He owed Archer at least that much time to describe the situation. That way Kimblee knew if Mustang's death were to be slow or excruciatingly slow. "Were you doing in there with _him._ "

"It was not by choice, I assure you." Archer pushed his superior off with a grunt and stood as quickly as possible. Mustang was grumbling something about being pushed around so much in a single day; Archer ignored him. Kimblee's hands were twitching and Archer would never be able to show his face in front of Führer Bradley ever again if that damned alchemist killed Mustang. Archer clasped Kimblee's shoulders with his hands in an effort to distract the man. He squeezed them in a friendly fashion to hit the play that got the runner to home base. "I'm thankful you walked by when you did."

"Ah." The distraction worked, and Kimblee found himself staring at Archer's blue eyes and smiling face instead of that lech that kept trying to steal his man. The man's pale hands felt really good on his shoulders and Kimblee couldn't remember a time where Archer had touched him willingly outside of trying to induce physical harm. The crimson alchemist almost blushed. "It was nothing."

Archer smiled and was tempted to sigh in relief. His plan to keep Kimblee from attacking had worked. Archer was sure this show of affection would have repercussions at a later date, but for now that was fine. It wouldn't kill Archer to humor Kimblee a little bit here and there if it kept the man behaving and quiet. Archer could get used to this stunned, enchanted silence if all it cost him was a hug here or there.

"Though you could have been a little more discrete."

Archer cursed. Why did Mustang have to speak!? The goddamn moron! Kimblee started to grip his fists and snarled. Archer tried to work quickly to regain his ground. Archer turned and tried desperately to give the man eye signals to shut the hell up. "He got us out, didn't he?"

"He could have killed us both with that explosion!" Roy waved his hand at the destruction around the room missing said signals. That Crimson was a menace and Roy was angry with himself for not figuring out how to expel him from the army yet. Even if he did get them free from Fullmetal's closet prison. "For goodness sake, if Archer hadn't pulled us both against the wall we would have been toast. Show some restraint."

Kimblee began to bare teeth and pushed in the direction of Mustang fully intending to rip the man's throat out. His desire to keep Archer's hands on his shoulders was the only thing keeping him from doing just that. So he went with vocal threats. "Why I should..."

"Relax Kimblee, we were in there for four hours." Archer soothed and rubbed his fingers along Kimblee's shoulders. It was like consoling a child; what happened to the sadistic, sarcastic man he picked up in the Devil's Nest? Oh what he wouldn't give for that Kimblee again. "He's cranky, I'm cranky. He doesn't mean anything he's saying. Let's take this time and go relax, hmm?"

"Four hours?" Kimblee hissed and looked at the closet. It was tiny. To fit two grown men in there, they'd have to be flush pressed against each other. Archer and Flame were in full body contact in that tiny closet together while Kimblee was out looking for them. Even Kimblee hadn't been that close to Archer when they were in the same freaking bed! "You two were in that closet for four _hours?_ "

"A very long uncomfortable four hours." Roy muttered and tried stretching his arms. Fullmetal was going to get an earful and more assignments than he could handle the next time the Flame Alchemist got his hands on him. Roy took another look at the closet and realized it could have been much longer if Archer's pet hadn't come along, so Roy grudgingly gave him a bit of thanks. "Despite your methods, I guess I am glad you got us out. I wasn't sure how much more I could take."

Kimblee stiffened. Did he just imply that spending time with Archer was unbearable? One day, Kimblee would sort out the thoughts in his head created by jealousy from his logical ones, but not today. Today, words twisted in ways they weren't meant to and as far as the Crimson Alchemist knew, Mustang had just talked poorly of Archer. Kimblee decided to clarify with a shouted come-back. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just what I said." Roy shrugged. "I couldn't stand to be trapped in that god awful closet with Archer for another minute."

"Why you bastard!"

Archer rolled his eyes and took a step back when Kimblee pulled away from him to stalk up next to Mustang. The now stressed Lieutenant Colonel tried to laugh it off and reclaim the man's shoulders. "I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, let's just go Kimblee."

"No." Mustang insulted Archer. He should be grateful to spend that time with a man like Archer! Kimblee pushed Mustang in the chest. "Take it back!"

"Take what back?" Roy narrowed his eyes and swatted Kimblee's hands away. Only a fool let those palms touch you for any amount of time. Especially when he was going crazy. "What is wrong with you?"

Kimblee tried to grab him again and shouted "Take it back! Take it back right now!"

"You're psychotic." Roy pushed back when Kimblee pushed him again. Before he realized it they were grappling with each other and any more would put them both to wrestling on the floor. Roy was just happy that no alchemy had been involved yet. "Control yourself."

"First you spend all that time with him and then you insult him! I won't forgive it!"

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Shit." Archer snarled to himself. Kimblee and Mustang's voices were starting to rise in addition to their scuffle. People were going to start noticing them soon and that would make things even worse than they already were! Kimblee's jealousy was making him stupid. If he kept this up, there was going to be a firefight in the hallway. Archer took a deep breath and did the only thing he could think of to successfully once again divert Kimblee's attention.

"I've been waiting a long time for this, Flame. I'm going to-" Kimblee was cut off in mid speech by a pair of cool lips covering his own and lanky fingers threading themselves in his hair to pull his head to the side. Mustang was completely and utterly forgotten and Kimblee's hands dropped to his side letting the other man back up against the wall. The kiss didn't last very long and Kimblee stared dazedly into pale blue eyes.

Archer smiled and tapped Kimblee on the cheek. "Now that I've got your attention, are you going to listen to me?"

Kimblee nodded dumbly.

"Good, let's go home and get a drink, hmm?" Archer cocked his head with a smirk and turned Kimblee around easily. He pushed lightly and got the man to start walking in the right direction. "We'll see you later, Colonel."

Roy stared as the two men walked off in the other direction quietly and efficiently. Eventually, Archer grabbed Crimson's hand and pulled him along to get out of the hallway and to their destination faster. Roy rubbed his hair and gaped. "What the hell was that?"

* * *

Tucker was having a good day.

Or at least he was until Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer stalked into his laboratory and sat in a corner to bitch and moan. What was Tucker? His psychiatrist? The chimera sighed and decided he might as well get the session done and over with before Archer went crazy and cut his funding or something. "So what happened?"

"I didn't know what else to do so I kissed him to get him away from Mustang and now. Argh!" Archer gripped his hair and pulled at the ends. His brilliant plan had completely backfired on him!

"I take it you didn't completely think the consequences of your actions through?" Tucker mumbled and continued drawing practice arrays.

"I knew there would be consequences, but I wasn't expecting this!" Archer waved his arms around and stalked the room floor. "I mean, I figured he'd just get more pushy and start demanding more from the relationship. Like demand kisses more often!"

"What's he doing instead then?"

"He's happy."

"Happy?"

"Love-sick puppy happy." Archer moaned and rubbed his face with both hands. He looked drearily over at Tucker. "He cuddles, he buys flowers, he sneaks kisses, hell he even made little hearts," Archer paused to draw a heart in mid air, "by blowing up select portions of the concrete outside my house."

Tucker stared wide eyed at his superior. That would explain why he hadn't seen Kimblee around the lab in the past few days. He'd been stalking Archer with overtime. "All because of a kiss?"

"It's not just the kiss." Archer collapsed into a chair. "It's because I initiated the kiss that he's so god damn cheery. That's never happened before and now he fully believes he's got a chance with me."

Tucker chuckled and Archer scowled at him. "At least he's not trying to get into your pants."

Archer stared down the chimera with a snarl.

"Oh, so that's gotten worse as well?"

"You have no idea." Archer rubbed his eyes. It was one thing when Kimblee would tackle him in bed, but now it was full blown groping and rubbing and licking the moment the lights went out. Archer had kicked him out of bed twice now and Kimblee had merely replied "Don't be so shy!" with a playful laugh. Archer missed it when Kimblee was prissy and jealous and just stealing the covers to be petty. "What have I gotten myself into?"

"Archer!" Kimblee called down the lab steps. He skipped the last two with a spring in his step. He had a flower twirling in his hands. "Are you in there?"

"Yes." Archer pretended that his voice didn't crack in despair. "Down here."

Kimblee skipped down the few steps and waved happily to Tucker before stopping in front of Archer. The man had bags under his eyes, his hair was ruffled and he looked positively miserable from head to toe. Archer was so adorable when he was so close to being broken. A few more pushes and Archer would just give into Kimblee's demands just to get some sense of normalcy back in his life. Kimblee should have tried the over-cutesy affection tactic when he first realized his crush. It had worked the best out of everything to date. Besides, Archer needed to get laid.

"Did you finish your reports already then?" Archer looked up at the creepy smile on Kimblee's face. It was halfway between an amused smirk and a genuine smile. It was so weird to see on the man; normally Archer associated that look with an explosion in the near future- but it was just Kimblee happy, he supposed. "That was quick."

"I wanted to take you out to dinner so I worked extra quickly." Kimblee reached down and grabbed Archer's wrist while simultaneously sticking the flower in a button hole on his uniform jacket. Blue was definitely Archer's color. "Let's go."

"Alright, alright." Archer sighed and followed the man. It was going to be a long night.

"Good luck, sir." Tucker chuckled. Seemed he was going to finally get the time to himself enough to work on Nina. Though, he did hope Kimblee wasn't too rough with Archer. The man needed to be in one piece to lead troops to Liore and get a better lab for his Nina. Tucker smiled and reminisced on what it was like to be so young and in love.

He wondered who would turn the other into a chimera first.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think Ed was going to get away with that, did you. : ) Speaking of Edward, feel free to consider this fic having veered off into AU land- so Ed being there in Central isn't a total continuity error. Heh. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

"This is such bull!" Edward snarled as he scrubbed the floor. Once he was satisfied he threw the rag in the bucket angrily and let the water splash a few drops onto the floor. Edward let them lie where they stood. "There, I'm done."

Archer hummed and tapped his finger on his desk while browsing a document or two pleasantly. Truth be told, he had finished his paperwork an hour ago but was enjoying his peace and quiet in the office while being entertained by Fullmetal. Archer had sent Kimblee off to do a few 'chores' for him; he had just made up some things he needed and the man volunteered to go get them. Archer should have realized puppy-love Kimblee would go out of his way to do whatever Archer asked of him. It was convenient when Archer wanted alone time, to say punish a brash major? "You missed a spot."

Edward pointed an angry metal finger at the bucket. Of all the freaking things they could do to punish him, he got stuck cleaning the office floors with a washrag. Couldn't this guy have been more inventive!? "Oh come on! I already cleaned the entire floor twice! With just that stupid rag!"

"Should have thought of that before you pushed your superior officers in a closet."

"Come on, it was a mistake. Mustang was the only one who was supposed to get pushed in!"

"Than you should have been more observant." Archer set the papers he was reading down and looked up at the angry boy. He still wasn't sure what the Colonel saw in this child, but then again- Archer kept a pain around due to his alchemic talents, too. Archer found himself sympathizing. "Colonel Mustang agreed that you should be punished and gave me the privilege to do so."

"Fine, and you did. I'm done. Can I go now?"

Archer looked over his desk at the floor, which was indeed sparkling. The kid didn't do a bad job. Though, since his original plan was to shoot the boy in the kneecap, Fullmetal should be grateful he got off with just cleaning. "Clean the desk tops and you may leave."

Ed bit his lip and grumbled internally but picked up the rag anyway. All things considered, he did get off pretty easy. If it had been Mustang dishing out his punishment Ed was sure it would have been far more embarrassing and public. But still, Mustang didn't give Ed the creeps. "Fine. But I'm only doing it once!"

* * *

"It's hard not knowing."

"Not knowing what, sir?" Hawkeye asked as she looked at her superior officer after setting down her own paperwork. Colonel Mustang was hunched over his desk with a surprisingly thoughtful, sober look on his face. It was so nice when the man was taking things seriously.

"What to do about this whole Archer thing. I just don't get it."

Ah yes, Hawkeye sighed to herself. The great kiss Mustang had talked about for hours after it happened. So much for her Colonel getting back to work. Even Major Armstrong had gotten sick of the ranting. First, Mustang had to go on about his confusion and how he hadn't noticed anything going on between the two Lieutenant Colonels. Then Mustang had remembered he too had kissed Archer and Kimblee had watched.

And Kimblee had gotten angry about it.

Suddenly, Roy wasn't so sure that Kimblee's hatred towards him had to do with Ishbal anymore. His Lieutenant had suggested that maybe Kimblee had been jealous and Roy replied 'of what?' She then pointed out the kiss again and the sudden rage. Roy thought of all the time he'd been spending with Archer as of late and all the times he thought he was being watched.

Suddenly things had clicked into place and Roy wanted to go bash his head into a wall. There was no way the Crimson alchemist was jealous. It was impossible; there was nothing between them to be jealous of in the first place. He and Archer weren't having a thing; they were being forced to work together by the Führer. That much was obvious. Roy's eyes widened slightly. "Lieutenant?"

"Yes, sir?" Hawkeye sighed and rolled her eyes. Colonel sounded worried about something and his eyes looked like he'd just reached a revelation. Hawkeye just knew it was going to be something stupid.

"You never got the impression that Archer and I were more than coworkers, did you? I mean, if Kimblee thought that than it could be possible…"

Hawkeye held back her smirk and instead put on a delightfully 'concerned' expression laced with confusion. It was time for revenge for Colonel filling her head with improper thoughts all those weeks ago. "Didn't you know? There's been rumors of you two making out in your offices for weeks now."

Roy froze and stared long and hard at his Lieutenant. "What?"

* * *

"Now would he want the iceberg lettuce or the spinach leaves…" Kimblee trailed off as he stared at the green vegetables covered in water droplets. Archer had discretely mentioned that he wanted a salad for dinner but they were all out of ingredients. Having an act to keep up, Kimblee volunteered to run out and do the shopping without a moment's hesitation.

Which left him standing in the middle of a grocery store with a scowl on his face that scared small children because he was stuck doing these stupid chores because it was the only tactic that was working. Archer was even letting him stay over on Thursday nights now in addition to the weekend. And it was a damn good thing Archer was worth it (if he wasn't, Kimblee was definitely going to kill him for this emotional roller coaster…) or he wouldn't be here trying to remember what Archer had put on his salad the last time he made one.

Eventually, Kimblee just grabbed some of both types of lettuce and threw them on top of an assortment of vegetables he had grabbed. Archer could make his own damn salad with whatever Kimblee decided to bring him. The Crimson Alchemist yawned and went straight for the register. He was left to wander in his own thoughts once again as the woman started ringing up items.

For example, Kimblee was well aware that Archer kissed him only to keep the alchemist from killing Mustang. Kimblee wasn't an idiot no matter how dumbfounded he had been after the shock. The Crimson alchemist had been irked Archer bothered to save the man, but once he calmed he realized that a dead Colonel would mean Archer would go to jail and never see Liore as a commander of troops.

Archer wasn't the only one who wanted to see the war in Liore.

Kimblee smiled inwardly as he distracted himself of much happier thoughts. He had been so taken in by jealousy over Mustang he had almost forgotten what had attracted him to Archer in the first place. They had a shared love of war and destruction and Kimblee would give anything to see Archer in action outside of a shooting range. Just the idea of Archer giving the command to kill on sight and wipe out the enemy sent chills down his spine.

Kimblee nodded at the lady after he paid and walked out of the store with a whistle. The woman behind the counter was blushing, but Kimblee ignored her. Women were a dime a dozen and none of them really understood. Speaking of, Kimblee looked across the street to see the corner bar where he and Archer had picked up that one slut so many nights ago. Now that had been fun and Kimblee wracked his brain to remember that night.

For a few brief moments, Archer had been willingly pressed against Kimblee and let himself be touched. They had sat and laughed together on the ground covered in blood and Kimblee had never been more comfortable in his life. At the time, he hadn't thought to relish that contact or memorize the look on Archer's face. Kimblee hadn't realized then just what he was feeling. Archer had just been a friend.

Kimblee wondered what it would be like to repeat that event now, knowing full well that his affection was far from platonic. To indulge in other, more carnal desires after the adrenaline rush of murder. To take that high and just keep riding it further until they were both covered in sweat, blood and semen; completely spent of breath in the middle of a dirty alleyway. Kimblee nearly groaned and had to stop walking.

The Crimson alchemist took deep breaths to calm down and leant against a building wall. There was no point in getting all excited by himself and he still had to get over to Archer's house for dinner. Kimblee looked down at the strangely domestic bag of groceries in his hand and nearly laughed. He was getting far too carried away, too quickly. He needed to take things one step at a time, slowly, and get Archer to a point where he wanted it just as much.

Kimblee's eyes turned towards an alley way and smirked. Then again the forceful method could be fun too.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the lack of reviews on the last chapter, it was either really bad or no one noticed it. I'm hoping for the latter. Heh. Anyway, regardless- I'm really happy with chapter 16. I tried something a little different and I think it turned out well. That and as much as I love Mustang, Armstrong, Tucker and the rest, it's nice to have a chapter with just Archer and Kimblee again. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

"Shit."

Kimblee laughed at Archer's curse and leant his head on the man's shoulder as they sat side by side on the ground against the dirty wall. Archer's angry pout at getting blood on his uniform was now stored away in the alchemist's head and he could see the man flicking the dark liquid from his finger tips. Kimblee couldn't have planned anything this good if he tried. And for once, Archer couldn't get angry with him because it truthfully wasn't Kimblee's fault. Life could be kind if it wanted.

"This is never coming out of my uniform." Archer groaned and rolled his eyes as the alchemist chuckled happily next to him. The man sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, paused and sighed again when he remembered there was still wet blood on his palms. It was surely smeared over his cheek now. Archer closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thud and just sat. He didn't feel like moving and Kimblee seemed more than content to sit there leaning on him.

It had been such a good morning, too, Archer thought to himself. Mustang had been going out of his way to avoid any contact with Archer whatsoever and called in sick when they were training the troops. Archer hadn't a clue why, but he didn't question it. Major Armstrong gave his speeches of family tradition to the trainees instead of Archer due to covering for Mustang; and that by itself would make any day happy. Archer could also now say his unit could pass all three assigned obstacle courses with flying colors and Kimblee had been surprisingly helpful in the field.

Archer had noticed Kimblee's restlessness in the office and in an attempt to be 'nice' (he had noticed Kimblee backed off on the puppy-love illness when Archer returned said affections; Archer would take the homicidal killer any day over _that_ ), Archer offered the man an opportunity to help his unit build character. AKA let Kimblee loose in the obstacle courses with the instructions that he could neither maim nor kill anyone, but was free to do anything else.

Needless to say the unit got a work out and a new understanding of the battlefield.

Even their evening had been refreshing. Kimblee decided in celebration of his unit's success in their field training, that he'd treat Archer to something nicer for dinner. Archer had actually been impressed when Kimblee chose a restaurant that had good food and a populated, yet not crowded, atmosphere. Sort of a warm, homey mom and pop place that served fine cuisine. Archer had noted the restaurant's number when he saw they served take out.

The two men had wanted to finish off their day with a drink before the inevitable struggle for the bed (Archer was beginning to loathe Thursdays and the weekend with Kimblee's sleepovers), however they were detained from turning in for the day. A group of seven twenty-something year olds in dirty clothing had gathered around them and said something about wanting money. Archer had distinctly remembered scoffing when the hooligans had shoved a knife in his face. Kimblee had almost broken out laughing himself.

"Gentlemen, do yourselves a favor and walk away while I'm in a good mood." Archer had told them. He was far too tired to arrest anyone tonight, especially not some riffraff better left to the sergeants. Kimblee had somehow managed to keep quiet during all of it, but Archer could tell he had a smirk on his face and that the man's fingers were twitching. It was only gentlemanly to give the poor souls a chance to run before hell broke loose.

"You have blood on your face."

Archer was brought back to the present when Kimblee interrupted his thoughts with that single remark. He smirked and looked back at those gold eyes that were watching him intently. "Do I?"

Kimblee lifted a hand to rub the blood off the man's cheek and licked it off his thumb. The man's eyes were glued on the smears of sticky liquid next to the man's mouth, a few drops dripping down the collar of his neck. "And now it's smudged."

"If you lick my face, I'm going to beat you with the handle of my pistol."

Kimblee stared blankly at amused blue eyes and slowly found a matching smile creep on his face. Archer was being playful; what fun. "How'd you know I was going to do that?"

"It was written all over your face." Archer cracked his neck to the side and stared at the bodies before him. "We're going to have to clean this up."

"I say we leave them." Kimblee snorted and snuggled further into Archer. He was smacked weekly for his trouble, but Kimblee ignored it. "Bunch of punks."

And Archer had given them fair warning, so it was no fault but their own. Kimblee smiled, not that he was complaining. He finally got to watch Archer kill something and it was nothing like he had pictured. For some reason, when he imagined Archer in action, he saw the man with an indifferent face that pulled the trigger without so much as a care or a blink. A ruthless killer with control and apathy.

But that's not what he saw, Kimblee recalled.

When one of the idiot gangsters lunched for the two soldiers, Archer had moved instantly and started running towards the alley. Kimblee had been confused at the time, but he followed anyway with the group hot on their heels. Once they reached the back though, it was obvious Archer just wanted to get them out of the street and as soon as Kimblee was behind him, Archer had his piece out and aimed at the gang.

There was no smirk on Archer's face, nor frown nor smile- just a look of distinct concentration. Kimblee noticed it looked similar to the look on the man's face when he shot at the range. It was neither manic nor indifferent, but it was as if Archer put his whole being into aiming the gun; hands steady and eyes focused. Kimblee hadn't seen a killer like that in a long time; Hawkeye was probably the last he'd seen.

Somewhere in Kimblee's brain, he was wondering why Archer had drawn his own weapon at all when he had a living, breathing killing-machine standing right next to him- but the other half that was giddy in anticipation of the man killing something was winning out. Kimblee kept his hands ready just in case, but had no intention of stepping in unless he was needed.

Archer had shot immediately after drawing his gun and taken out the first to get into the alley with ease. The blood had sprayed over the walls, but the body was too far away to get either of them dirty. Archer fired a second and third time, but the brats were dodging now that they realized he had a gun. Archer was a good shot, but it was dark, Kimblee noted as the man missed. There was a twitch on Archer's face each time he missed; Kimblee thought it was cute.

Though, Archer had only taken out three by the time he needed to reload. Thus, one was able to work his way down the alley quickly attempting to disarm Archer. Fate was not smiling on the poor fool, however, because Kimblee was more than ready for him. As soon as he got close enough, Kimblee slammed his palms into the unsuspecting gut and let the alchemy do the rest. The punk exhaled sharply and staggered back a few steps, eyes glazing over, before he exploded.

The splatter was impressive and stopped everyone in the alley dead in their tracks. Kimblee licked the blood off the corner of his mouth and smiled as he watched the other two's eyes widen in terror and start to back up. It would be bad if they ran off and told someone about what was happening, so Kimblee figured he'd chase them down and nip this in the bud. He was about to take his first step and go after them, but.

The two gun shots beat him to it.

Kimblee stared as Archer lowered his smoking gun to his side and flicked it to get some of the blood off. In the time it had taken for Kimblee to blow up the kid, Archer had reloaded his gun and shot. It was wonderfully efficient; Kimblee was secretly admiring the team work they had displayed. It wasn't often he worked with someone else, and even less often when his partner could react in time with him. Kimblee was liking Archer more and more.

Once it was finished, Archer had taken the few steps back to the alley wall and slid down to sit. Kimblee sat down to join him and stared at the bodies spread out in the alley. The smell of blood was thick in the air and it reminded Kimblee of better days. Archer started to look himself over and had exclaimed "Shit."

Which brought Kimblee back full circle to where he and Archer were sitting in an alley leaning against each other covered in blood. And it was still a Thursday, which meant Kimblee got to sleep over. "Anyway, that was fun."

Archer scoffed and willed his legs to move but they ignored him. For some reason they liked laying flat in a puddle of blood. He glared at them. "Forget cleaning, but at any rate, we should leave."

"Hmm." Kimblee hummed and let his head fall back to the shoulder. Personally, the Crimson Alchemist would rather stay for a bit longer. "Probably."

"Come on." Archer spoke mostly to himself and forced himself up from the ground. He braced a hand on the wall and was thankful it was dark outside. If they avoided street lamps, maybe no one would notice their blood stained clothes. Archer took off his jacket and hung it over his clean undershirt just to be save. "I want to go to bed."

"Tired already? Where's that stamina?" Kimblee chuckled, still on the ground. He pulled his legs up under him and squatted in place. "You'll never last in a war if seven brats wore you out."

"I have plenty of stamina, Kimblee." Archer smirked and rubbed his cheek with the back of his hand to try and flake some of the dried blood off. "It's patience for this sort of idiocy that I lack."

"What does that have to do with wanting to go to bed?"

"Figure it out yourself."

"What?" Kimblee pushed up off the ground as stared as the other man started walking. What on earth did that mean? Was Archer saying something about Kimblee or the idiots they just killed? Archer had left the alley way some time during Kimblee's thoughts and the man started to chase out after him. "Hey! Wait for me!"

Archer smiled to himself and almost whistled as he listened to Kimblee trot up behind him. The Lieutenant Colonel chanced a look behind him and was pleased to still see a look of confusion on the Crimson Alchemist's face. He'd been pondering that simple statement all night trying to figure out what Archer meant. In other words, he'd be too busy with that to think about jumping Archer when he got home.

Archer smirked; it was going to be a lovely night.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watching Oh Edo Rocket. Highly Distracted. Akai x Blue Woman OTP. Her name is gorgeous too, but I won't spoil it. All I can say is despite the sad ending, episodes 19 and 20 have made me a very, very happy fan. hugs Akai and Blue Woman together
> 
> But back to FMA- another guest character has appeared. Since I went off into AU land a few chapters back I went -what the heck? A few of you should be happy. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 

There was something very wrong in the air.

Kimblee could feel it and the ominous feeling creeping its way down his spine was making him giddy in anticipation. His heel tapped against the floor as he sat on the edge of Archer's desk. While he was feeling something good coming, Archer was just getting annoyed. Kimblee's hint? Archer was staring at him with a particularly icy glare. Seems he was still upset of having to explain why he needed a new uniform after their little scuffle in the alley.

Trying to account for the rounds he left in the alley hadn't exactly been a cake-walk either. It sort of ticked Kimblee off that the high and good mood they'd both had immediately afterwards had to drown the next Monday when they got back to work and the consequences came back. This is why Kimblee liked war; there were no consequences and reports that needed to be faked to get out of arrests and inquiries. Liore had better fall to pieces quickly if it knew what was good for it. Kimblee hoped that's what that inner feeling was; a sign war was coming.

Because it certainly had nothing to do with Kimblee's love life. The blood-thirsty man sighed inwardly. He'd managed to go completely full circle to back where he started when he and Archer were happy drinking buddies. Only now with more lewd jokes here and there. However, those were starting to roll off. Kimblee was happy Archer was being more buddy-buddy so to speak; he was even joking around and teasing more. However, Archer was also getting better at just brushing off Kimblee's advances as a joke as well. Kimblee tapped his foot harder in his unconscious frustration. Just what did it take to get that man's blood pumping anyway?

It wasn't like he was having all that luck with women. Or anyone for that matter. He'd never seen Archer flirt with anyone really. Sure his jealous mind had told him so and he'd acted like it, but in reality Archer didn't seem to have any romantic affections of any type. Kimblee was his only suitor. So why then did the man not return his affections? It's not like he could date one of those stupid chimera! Kimblee almost gasped. Or could he? Were Archer and Tucker having an affair behind Kimblee's back!?

"If you have so much extra energy, Kimblee." Archer spoke slowly as the man continued to make the clacking noise with his boot against the floor. Archer needed to get the man out of his office; he was far too restless. "Why not go to the gym? Go work it out of your system or something."

"Are you saying I'm fat?" Kimblee smirked and leant over the desk, his jealous imagination quelled for the moment.

"If I said yes would you go?" Archer mumbled into his paperwork. Really, Kimblee had made leaps and bounds when it came to pleasant company, but he still managed to dig under the Lieutenant Colonel's skin and fester there.

"Depends," Kimblee tilted his head. "Does thin and muscular do it for you? Because I'm thin as a rail and I still barely getting anything out of you. Or does a little chub get you moving?"

Archer choked in shock. Kimblee wasn't one to stray from those sort of _comments,_ but he usually had the decency to keep it to the bedroom where Archer could ignore him and not worry about anyone else hearing. "Keep your voice down and it's none of your business what 'does it' for me."

"I'd like to think it is." Kimblee chuckled and set his head on the back of his hands. "I am trying to sleep with you."

"Kim-" Archer snarled but was cut off by the sound of a stack of papers smacking and spreading out over the floor. Archer hadn't looked to see who it was yet, but he prayed desperately that it was just some sergeant that he could threaten into silence. Archer's eyes slowly looked up and the urge to just go shoot himself returned. "Why hello, Colonel Mustang. What can I do for you?"

It was no secret that Roy had been avoiding Archer to avoid any more confusion about their non-existent relationship. He didn't want to believe Hawkeye's story about rumors of them and making out, but one couldn't be too careful. And you could never tell when that woman was joking! Curse women! Roy swallowed before quickly gathering up the dropped papers. It figured the one time he had to go see Archer to run some ideas about their training unit from the Führer that he'd overhear something of that nature. "I had some papers from Führer Bradley that we needed to look over, but I can come back later."

"Nonsense, Kimblee has been helping with the unit in your absence. He's welcome to hear about it as well." Archer waved Kimblee off of his desk and into the vacant seat next to him. The best way to fight embarrassment is to act like it never happened in the first place. "I'm sure we can all get along for the next hour or so for the good of our unit."

"Of course," Roy agreed reluctantly and took a seat next to the bomb happy alchemist. The man was glaring daggers in as close to a literal sense as possible towards the Flame Alchemist and Roy figured the next hour was going to be very, very long.

* * *

"Get over yourself, Kimblee." Archer hummed as he walked down the hallway rereading the briefs from earlier in the day. Kimblee was sulking as per usual after spending time with Mustang. The Colonel was highly professional and he and Archer made it through the entire hour in complete polite terms and civil language. Kimblee was bored stiff with nothing to do but that's still no excuse to sulk in this fashion. "It's to be expected after all those 'rumors' that were spread."

Kimblee lifted an eyebrow and walked up closer to Archer to look over his shoulder. He was having a hard time believing that report was as interesting as Archer made it look. "What rumors?"

"Hawkeye apparently got a little revenge on her superior by telling the Colonel that everyone thinks he and I are fooling around with each other." Archer chuckled. He didn't normally listen to the rumor mill, but Colonel's team was laughing so loudly to each other about the joke that he couldn't help overhearing. Archer twitched as he realized what he just told Kimblee. Praying once again that the damage was minimal, Archer turned to look at the Crimson Alchemist's reaction. "Kimblee?"

"How many people know about that rumor?"

Archer thought Kimblee's voice was far too controlled considering what he just let slip so casually. Maybe Kimblee was weaseling his way in past Archer's defenses better than he thought. "Just his staff. They're very well aware it's a joke."

"Good. Let's go get something to eat. I'm starved."

Archer watched as Kimblee shoved his hands into his pockets and kept walking. He didn't explode, didn't threaten death on the Colonel, didn't get angry, didn't anything. Was he sick or something? "Are you alright?"

Kimblee turned around and smiled when he saw the slightly concerned face. "What, worried about me?"

"Concerned for the world more like it." Archer walked over and checked the Kimblee's forehead with the back of his hand. The alchemist had to have a fever. "You're handling this way far too well to be in your right mind."

"Or maybe I'm feeling more confident in myself." Kimblee smirked and took hold of Archer's wrist and pulled it away, but kept a loose hold on it. "Or I realized it's safer to get bitter and jealous when you're not around."

"And here I thought you had either gotten more mature or were deathly sick."

"I love how your first thought was to go for illness."

"Yes, well." Archer stopped short and looked around Kimblee to see a sergeant running towards them. He took his hand back from Kimblee and straightened himself so it didn't look like he had just been flirting in the hallway (had he really been flirting back?). "Is there a problem?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Archer!" The young lad saluted his superior before taking a breath. "There's been an intruder sighted in the building. We're on alert, sir!"

"An intruder?" Kimblee asked the soldier. He looked familiar, but Kimblee couldn't place him. Maybe he worked in the office or something. "What kind of intruder?"

"I'm not sure, sir." The sergeant continued. "No one's seen him, but we know he's taken out at least four guards so far to get in without making any noise. There's also a possibility there's more than one. I was told to report to my superior officer, sir."

"Good, Sergeant." Archer nodded. "Head back to the office and see if anyone stayed late and inform them. I'm going to see the Colonel and find out our orders."

"Sir!"

So the sergeant was part of their office. Kimblee nodded to himself; he was getting slightly better about recognizing which men were Archer's and which weren't. The Crimson Alchemist had a feeling Archer wouldn't appreciate his own units getting used as artillery. Kimblee frowned slightly, it was a pain having to actually keep track of the other soldiers. Maybe he should just make Archer's men wear badges or something. Or a different color uniform. "So we're reporting to Mustang then?"

"Don't sound so excited." Archer sighed. Why did this stuff keep happening to him? "And yes, but not just yet."

"Hmm?"

"We're checking on Tucker and the chimera first. The last thing we need is for the intruder to stumble upon them after all this work to keep them a secret." Archer turned on his heels with every intention to head straight for the labs. No one was taking his chimera from him, especially not when he barely had any time for them lately with Kimblee suffering from mood swings for the past week or so. He had worked hard to get the Crimson Alchemist and Tucker under his command and he was going to spring them on Liore no matter what. Intruders be damned. "Let's go."

"Right." Kimblee nodded and looked around him. All of the officers were slowly coming to alert as the message was spread around the compound. Whoever this intruder was, they were probably good if no one had found them yet. "We should probably hurry so we aren't questioned for not going to Mustang immediately."

"Well, well. You can put personally feelings aside when it's important." Archer smiled over his shoulder. "It's nice to see you with such a level head, Kimblee..." Archer trailed off slowly as his eyes tried to focus on what he was seeing.

"And I'd like to see him with no head!"

Kimblee barely dodged the knife aimed at his throat; his only cue the widening and shocked look that had slowly formed over Archer's face. He rolled left and turned quickly to face his attacker, he could see Archer backing up as well. Before he could stand fully up, he had to block a hit here and kick his opponent's strangely long arm away. He frowned once recognition sunk in, then smirked. "Marta. Is that any way to greet a friend?"


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, another chapter. I should probably give a shout out to Redwalgrl's "Such is the Life of a Slut" for some inspiration. If you've read her latest chapter, you'll see what I mean. In any case, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

 

"You're no friend of mine, traitor." Marta hissed. She took a step back and held out her knife as Kimblee slowly stood up. He had a cocky grin on his face, but his eyes were dangerous. Having lost her advantage of surprise, Marta was going to have to play this carefully if she wanted his head. There was another man to Kimblee's left who looked familiar, but didn't seem to be a fighter. He had backed away quickly enough. "You're going to pay for what you did!"

"How is good old Greed doing anyway?" Kimblee shrugged and started taking a few steps to walk around Marta. The snake woman was good, he would give her that. Normally, Kimblee wouldn't be too worried, but at the moment Archer was here. Having used companions and non-fighters as hostages, bargaining tools, explosives, and the like himself, Kimblee was more than aware of what Marta might do. Kimblee made note for future events to lock Archer in a closet somewhere before Kimblee fought. Just to be safe, of course. "He must miss me if he sent you here."

"Joke all you want, but for betraying us you're a dead man, Kimblee." Marta leaped and stretched her arm out in an attempt to distract the traitor with the knife, her other arm was swinging around to get him from the side. Marta cursed when Kimblee dodged both, but thankfully he didn't have time to clap his hands. "Die!"

Kimblee dodged as the attacks continued and prayed he didn't slip. What he needed was a moment to clap his hands and get some raw materials. Even Marta couldn't stand up to an explosion; at the very least she'd be thrown off her game. "You guys are taking this way too personally."

That woman was a chimera.

Archer's brain was racing a mile a minute as his alchemist fought with the blonde woman in the hallway. For the moment, he had been forgotten and that was just fine by Archer. He needed time to think. This 'Marta' was one of the chimera that had escaped in Dublith. Archer watched as her arms stretched and moved gracefully with her body in an inhuman fashion, but somehow still human. The body was contorted, but those were very human movements and fighting styles. It was a perfect blend of man and beast to create a gorgeous fighting machine. Archer wanted her.

Archer's only blessing at the moment to reaching that goal, was that no one had discovered the fight in the hall just yet. But the moment Kimblee blew something up that blessing would flitter away and be lost forever. Archer had big plans that didn't involve having the cavalry show up and take that woman away. This was a second chance to capture a fully functioning chimera from lab five and Archer was not going to let it slip again. _But how to tell Kimblee not to kill her?_ Archer cursed in his head; that would be near impossible without letting the chimera girl in on what he was planning. Archer would have to knock her out himself than, or trick her somehow. That was it; Archer smirked.

"You're persistent, aren't you?" Kimblee winced when she finally landed a hit to his shoulder. He had blocked the blunt of it, but it still smarted. At least she'd been ignoring Archer completely during all of this. Kimblee had his hands full without defending someone else. "It's not like I killed the guy."

"But it's your fault he's dead!" Marta cried and took another vicious swing at the bastard in front of her.

Kimblee paused and took a few steps back to put some distance between the two of them; his eyes searching for something with enough materials to create a bomb. Marta wasn't letting him get close enough to the walls to use them and the floor was a no go. Distraction tactics then. "Greed's dead?"

Marta's fists tightened and her hair fell slightly into her face to cover her eyes. She refused to let her hands shake. "All of them are dead. Greed. Dorochet. Loa. Bido. And it's all your fault!"

Kimblee narrowed his eyes and clenched his own fists. How dare she blame him? All he did was secure a little blackmail and leave. Sure, Kimblee told them where Greed and the others were hiding, but the military was hardly a match for that monster. "My fault? How is that my fault?"

"You brought the military there! You stole the skull and it's your fault we were attacked." Marta kicked off from the ground in a sprint towards Kimblee. This man was to blame. "But most importantly, you betrayed us! And no worries, Tucker's going to follow shortly after."

Kimblee snorted and clapped his hands; he'd just catch Marta and use her as a bomb. A little risky if he failed to dodge that knife of hers, but that's what made it so fun. Kimblee smirked. "Please, the military was going to attack anyway. I just got out before the fireworks went off. Stop blaming me for your own inability to protect Greed."

"Bastard!" Marta shrieked and was almost to Kimblee when the gunshot went off. Both she and Kimblee stopped, frozen in place, and looked towards the side where the slimy man who had bribed Kimblee (Marta finally recognized him as the man with the skull) who had a smoking gun next to his head.

Archer smirked; that was one way to get their attention. He truly was tired of being completely ignored off to the sidelines. "While this is all well and good, we are in the middle of the hallway in Central headquarters." Archer paused and looked at his gun. "And after that shot I say we have about five minutes before soldiers arrive, so why don't we take this little feud elsewhere. Shall we?"

What the hell was Archer doing? Kimblee stared at the man in an almost shell shock. Marta was in much the same state if her lack of attacking was anything to go by. If Archer was going to shoot, why didn't he just shoot Marta? She had both forgotten all about him; it would have been easy to take her out. "And where exactly are we going to go?"

"The training grounds might be good." Archer smiled and tapped his gun on the side of his temple. He kept it ready to fire in case he needed it. "But either way we should excuse ourselves from this location."

Marta frowned and started to tense her stance. There was something very wrong going on here, and she really didn't like the way those blue eyes were looking at her. There was a sort of lust there that sent chills down her spine; like he was looking over a piece of meat. It was unnerving to say the least; Marta suppressed the urge to find something to cover herself up. "And why should I trust you?"

"You shouldn't." Archer shrugged and turned his head when he started to hear shouts from around the corner. It seems he had underestimated the reaction times of the soldiers at Central. He'd have to modify his plans a bit to accommodate. "Well, that was quick."

Marta heard the shouts too, but she wasn't stupid enough to go with either of these two. A traitor and a pervert; as if she would even dare. "This isn't over."

With that, Kimblee watched as the woman stretched up and knocked out an air vent grate and slithered her way up. He could hear the clattering as she traveled down the vents and narrowed his eyes. Archer was looking rather smug off to the side himself; something was up. Kimblee didn't like it, whatever it was.

"Lieutenant Colonel! We heard a gunshot." A second lieutenant, Archer wasn't sure who he was, approached them and looked at the scene. "What happened?"

"We ran into the intruder." Archer started. "There was a scuffle and I fired the gun to get him off of Lieutenant Colonel Kimblee. He went off in that direction." Archer pointed down the hallway in the opposite direction Marta had gone in the vents. "He's fast, so you might want to hurry."

"Understood, sir!"

Archer smirked as the lieutenant and his group ran down the hallway; they'd never catch up with that one. Kimblee walked over and Archer tensed; Kimblee's eyes were furious. When Kimblee's hand wrapped around Archer's uniform and yanked him up about an inch off the ground and slammed him against a wall, Archer had to think carefully about what he said next. He'd never seen Kimblee direct this much rage at him before; it was a little exciting. "Is there a problem?"

Kimblee practically snarled in response. Not only did Archer draw attention to himself, but he let Marta get away. He could have been hurt! "Why did you do that?"

"Relax, Kimblee. I know what I'm doing." Archer pulled a hand up and rubbed the back of Kimblee's knuckles with his thumb. If his alchemist wasn't calm, than there was no way he was going to listen. "Now would you put me down?"

Kimblee reluctantly obeyed but still left his face the same. Archer had better have a damn good excuse for that. "Start talking."

"It was the only way I could keep you two from killing each other." Archer straightened out his jacket and started walking. He still needed to get to the lab, and now it was more so to inform Tucker of what was going on. Preparations needed to be made, such as a place to put the woman once they caught her. A cage was hardly adequate if he wanted her to cooperate.

"I wasn't going to lose."

"I didn't say you were." Archer looked over his shoulder at the pouting alchemist. At least Kimblee wasn't enraged any longer. This was one of the few times where that man's mood swings had come in handy. "I want _her_ alive."

Kimblee crossed his arms and walked faster to keep up with Archer. There was an almost perceivable bounce in his step. "For what?"

"For Tucker, of course." Archer smirked. "The whole point of going to Dublith those months ago was to capture the chimera from lab five and if what she said is correct, she's the only one left. This is too good a chance to pass up."

"So, you're going to experiment on her?" Kimblee questioned. He was having a hard time picturing Archer being able to keep her as quiet as he had been those chimera Tucker had been making. And what could he possibly get out of experimenting on her? As earlier stated, Archer already had his chimera- the man was crazy about those dumb things.

"Well, Tucker will be doing the work, but more or less that's correct." Archer skipped a few steps as he went down the stairs to the outside. Archer hadn't felt this motivated since he first got a hold of the Crimson Alchemist and the Sewing Life Alchemist. "But she's bound to attack again and now we can be ready. So remember, we want to capture her not kill her."

"I still don't see the point." Kimblee emphasized. "You have chimera right now."

"True, but they're rather dumb." Archer sighed and rubbed at his temple. They were loyal, and they liked Archer. But the fact of the matter was that they were still more focused on defense than offense. Archer needed body guards and frontlines man. "Which makes them of little use outside of maybe large guard dogs. I need something smarter that can fight, Kimblee. And Ms. Marta is the perfect example that Tucker needs to see to make the chimera we've got better."

"Smarter isn't always better, you know." Kimblee frowned and rubbed his arm where Marta had hit him. It was probably going to bruise and he made a note to start carrying raw materials on him. If she died on accident, Archer couldn't blame him. "Smart things tend to question orders."

"Which is why we've been focusing on using dogs in the mix." Archer started and smiled when he saw the lab come into view. It was a shame he wasn't going to have much time to fill in Tucker before he had to go back and find Mustang. "They're loyal. Besides, I just need them a little bit smarter, not dreadfully intelligent."

Kimblee still didn't like this, but it was for some other reason than safety. The Crimson Alchemist was thinking hard about what else could be bothering him about this situation, but nothing was coming to mind. For now, though, he'd keep quiet and see where things went before acting.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No time, not proofed so don't bother to point out Typos. Thanks for that ahead of time! Anyway, next chapter for all you lovely folks. This fic has turned into quite the monster, especially considering it started as a one-shot. Thanks so much for reading, reviewing and keeping up the interest!

 

"My, he's in a good mood." Tucker chuckled as Archer hummed softly to himself and overlooked his latest project. The man was all prepared for the eventual arrival of their newest chimera pet. Archer even had Tucker transmute a real bed for the woman so she wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. Though, he did still have it inside a set of iron bars that he had Kimblee help with. Speaking of the Crimson Alchemist, "Don't you think its nice?"

"Shut up, Tucker." Kimblee grumbled and rested his head in his arms. This thing with Archer and his chimera was starting to become a problem. Sure, the man had put on a great show in front of Mustang the other day when giving his 'report' about being attacked by the intruder (read, Archer lying through his teeth to avoid her capture) but the moment it was over he turned into a giddy school girl. The man had rushed right over to Tucker's and started decorating the lab like he was a house wife preparing for a dinner party.

He even had one of the chimera loose and following him around like a puppy.

"Why are we doing this again?" Kimblee groaned. The little chimera thing growled at Kimblee and the alchemist pointed an angry finger in its direction. "And why did you let that out?"

"I let him out because I want to see how well trained he is." Archer tapped the side of his thigh and the beast sat down next to his leg. Archer smiled and pat it on the head. If only everyone in his unit or control was that obedient. "Clearly he's passing with flying colors."

"And my other question?" Kimblee held his hand out and raised an eyebrow waiting for the answer. "We're capturing her for experiments, not making a B&B."

"She's a lady." Archer shrugged and looked down at the bed again. Tucker must have lost his sense of comfort along with his body. There was no way that mattress was proper, but there wasn't much he could do about it.

Kimblee rolled his eyes. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"She's more likely to behave if we treat her well, than if we treat her poorly."

"She wants to kill me and probably you now, too. I think you could put her up in a five class hotel and she'd still not cooperate." Kimblee huffed. Archer was staring at the bed again. As if it was going to jump up and move or something. Kimblee got a smirk on his face. "Hey Archer."

"What?" The man mumbled over his shoulder. He was trying to think of what else he could do to sway Ms. Marta to their side. The confinement would be required at first, but Archer was hoping to entice her, so to speak, like he had Kimblee and Tucker. Archer looked over his shoulder when Kimblee didn't reply. "What?"

"Want to test out the bed?"

Tucker hummed happily as the sound of Kimblee being smothered by a pillow to the face played loudly in the background. Ah, another normal day in the lab.

* * *

"Is there something wrong, sir?" Hawkeye inquired as her Colonel sat at his desk staring at the wall. "You're not still mad about that joke are you?"

"No, that's not it." Though, Roy had been furious when Fuery let it slip that the rumors of him and Archer were an in-office joke. Roy had calmed down thanks to other matters of importance interfering- such as a mysterious intruder on base and the coincidence of Archer and Kimblee being attacked by said intruder. "I just feel like I'm missing something important."

"Well, there haven't been any signs of the intruder lately, sir. They think he's in hiding to catch us off guard later."

Roy nodded. "Makes sense, however I can't get rid of this feeling that Archer's involved in this somehow."

"He did seem like he was lying with his report." Hawkeye added thoughtfully. "Perhaps we should talk to Major Armstrong and see if he's noticed anything different?"

"That sounds like a good plan, Lieutenant." Roy nodded and stood up from his seat. "Let's do that."

Little did Roy know what a mistake that was. Sitting across from Armstrong about an hour later, Roy realized that he still had no clue what was going on but he did know now that Archer had Shou Tucker hidden away in a lab. How perfectly wonderful. "And why didn't you mention this earlier?"

"I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it now if I didn't think it could be related to the intruder problem." The Major sighed. If he would have known about archer being this unpredictable he wouldn't have hidden any of it from Mustang in the first place. "I was trying to find out what he was doing before I reported anything concretely."

Roy sighed and almost bit his knuckle. "It's alright, Major. I understand."

"Armstrong."

"Yes, sir?"

"Watch him." Roy stood from his seat and wrapped his knuckle on the table to signal Hawkeye to follow him out. "Find out what the hell he needs those chimera for."

"Yes, sir!" Armstrong saluted before heading off to perform his daily duties. This time, Colonel Mustang would be very well informed.

* * *

Kimblee whistled happily as he and Archer walked home from the lab. It was a weekday so Kimblee couldn't stay the night, but he was entitled to visit and hang-out until ten o'clock when Archer went to bed. He may have had a face full of feathers and a few loose ones still in his hair, but Archer had been successfully distracted from thoughts of Marta and his mind was back where it belonged: Kimblee. "So, got any plans tonight?"

"I was thinking of actually listening to the radio tonight." Archer spoke. "Assuming a certain someone is quiet enough that I can hear it."

"Ah, but the news is so boring." Kimblee laughed and threw an arm around Archer's shoulders. It fit there snugly and Kimblee couldn't think of a better place for his arm to be. "You should thank me for making it entertaining by talking."

"I'm not going to listen to the news." Archer frowned and checked his watch. If they kept up their current walking pace, he should be able to catch the program easily. "And no, your comments did not make it entertaining regardless." Archer paused and smirked. "Though you falling asleep in the middle was pretty amusing."

"That was one time."

"You were still drooling on my couch."

Kimblee pulled his arm in tighter in a threat of a headlock if the subject wasn't dropped. Though, he did enjoy that tiny smile that was on Archer's face from the teasing. This was, nice. Not explosion nice, but good none-the-less. "So, what program are you going to listen to, then?"

Archer muttered something softly.

"Can't hear that." Kimblee laughed. "What, scared I'm going to tease you?"

Archer lifted an eyebrow. "In a word? Yes."

"It's not like you want to listen to some kid's show." Kimblee laughed and Archer stared at him. Kimblee stopped; Archer's eyes were narrowed and angry. Kimblee raised his hands up in a defensive state and waved them. "Not that it would be a problem if you did. That'd be completely fine…and what?"

Archer started to laugh abruptly and shoved Kimblee in the shoulder. "You should see your face!"

Kimblee stared for a moment longer before laughing softly himself. It was a joke. Archer had just joked with him. Kimblee laughed louder. "Okay, you got me."

"I have to take it when I can." Archer smirked.

Kimblee stopped laughing and licked his lips. He loved it when Archer set himself up this easy. "Don't know why when I'll give it any time you want."

Archer rolled his eyes and shook his head. Kimblee just had to ruin the moment by turning the conversation sexual. Ah well, Archer brushed off his shoulder and began to walk again. "Yes, yes. Now let's go or I really will miss my program."

Kimblee sighed when Archer stopped playing, but trotted up to throw his arms around Archer from the back anyway. It reminded him of the first real time they went out drinking together and he hung from the man's back like this. Then, Archer had been stiff and uncomfortable, but now the man barely flinched when Kimblee jumped him. At least that was a step in the right direction. "Now what program are we going to listen to?"

"Do you promise to be quiet the entire performance?"

"Yes."

"It's a drama that's starting tonight." Archer hummed. "Should be about an hour or two at most."

Kimblee pulled off to the side so that they could continue walking more easily. He made sure to keep at least one arm still around Archer's shoulder. "What's it about?"

"I forget the title, but it should be about a detective and a serial killer."

Kimblee snorted. "Ironic subject matter, don't you think?"

"When you factor in that it's about two people who don't use alchemy at all, it does make for something slightly more interesting." Archer chuckled. "There's also a love story."

"So now it's the same stuff we do everyday and even more boring." Kimblee laughed.

"You promised you'd be quiet."

"So I did." Kimblee hummed. "But I didn't promise I'd stay sober."

Archer rolled his eyes and stuck his key in the door when they arrived in front of his home. He had a feeling that a certain Crimson Alchemist was going to forget his promise as his inhibitions started to deteriorate. Ah well, Archer had a radio in his bathroom and a lock on the door. If worse came to worse, a nice long soak in the tub with Kimblee locked out wouldn't be too bad.

And if Kimblee decided to break in, Archer had a gun in the shower.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swamped at work, tired. I'm going to sleep now. Enjoy the next chapter, even if it short. Thanks for reading, reviewing and being the patient folks you are!

 

Kimblee was beginning to get impatient.

Or more impatient than he was already. The alchemist started to chew on his thumb as he stared at Archer sitting at his desk. Kimblee had moved forward in every stage of their relationship from friendly teasing to just spending more time together without fighting. In fact, just yesterday he had listened to part two of that radio drama thing with Archer without any complaining whatsoever. The only thing that had yet to move an inch forward was their physical relationship.

And it was driving Kimblee crazy.

The alchemist was starting to get the impression that Archer had no sex drive. Which was a shame because Kimblee's was in overdrive. He wasn't sure how Archer did it, but the man could just sit there and make Kimblee start squirming. However, every time he tried to steer the topic towards the bedroom, Archer would either get angry or change the topic quickly. Kisses and hugs were brushed aside and also resulted in the same two reactions. What did it take to get Archer to respond? Because groping certainly wasn't working.

The only thing that seemed to excite the man was his damn chimera and Kimblee had no desire to indulge the thoughts that stemmed from that notion. So the alchemist was left with little options.

He could try the forceful approach and just throw Archer down somewhere (after removing the gun) and get down to it. That would result in lots of anger, yelling and violence or depending how well Kimblee did, repeated occurrences. Kimblee was hoping for the latter. Or Kimblee could also try the straightforward approach and instead of hinting that he wanted to be with Archer and just outright ask him. Then he would at least get a straight answer that could lead to a serious discussion over why he had been turned down, should that be the case.

The last time Archer had kissed him was still burned into his memory and he wanted to feel it again. This one-sided affection was no longer tolerable; Kimblee wanted Archer to respond not just take. Which meant of course that Kimblee was leaning towards the first and just jumping the man if he kept sitting there looking delectable.

The Crimson Alchemist groaned and smacked his forehead into the desk, startling the sergeant next to him. Kimblee thought Archer looked delectable doing paperwork; he really was getting desperate. If he wasn't so damn serious about being with just one person, Kimblee would just take his frustrations out on other people. But he had a feeling Archer wouldn't take Kimblee's advances seriously if he knew the alchemist was sleeping around.

"Kimblee, if you're going to continue to fidget, than please take it outside." Archer mumbled as he sorted through yet another document. Accusations of soldiers letting Ms. Marta, or 'the intruder,' into the building had been flying about and it was Archer's job to sort and interrogate. He'd been at it for a week now and no one was closer to figuring out how she got into the building. Privately, Archer thought that was fantastic; it meant the woman was truly skilled. "The rest of us are trying to work."

"I'm working, I'm working." Kimblee huffed and pulled himself out of the slump he'd fallen into. Turning over the form he had been filling out, Kimblee picked up his pen and started to finish. Paperwork; the things he did for love. At least it somewhat got his mind off of other problems.

Or it did until Archer started to crick his back and stretch in his seat.

Kimblee bashed his head against the desk again and groaned outright; scolding be damned. It just wasn't fair!

* * *

Marta had a lot to think about as she sat in the dusty bar. And she had the time to do so considering she had to stay away from the military base long enough for them to drop their guard. Marta wanted to focus on killing Kimblee, so she couldn't afford to be occupied with insignificant soldiers following orders. So, she planned to give herself a month or two before heading back.

She also had to figure out how to deal with Kimblee's new 'friend.' As far as Marta was concerned, that man was just as guilty for Greed's death as the traitor himself. She was almost angry at herself for not remembering him in her initial rage. Not to mention Marta was still cross for the way that man stared at her. She was still getting shivers down her spine from that gaze. Which lead her to other interesting thoughts involving Kimblee.

He had almost looked scared when that man had drawn attention to himself.

It was an expression Marta was sure Kimblee hadn't even realized he had let on his face, but Marta caught it. It was surprising to think that man cared about anyone other than himself, but stranger things had happened in Marta's life. She'd just have to be sure to use that to her advantage, and maybe get revenge on the both of them.

* * *

"What was with you today?" Archer shook his head as he packed up his belongings for the day. He had ended up staying late again and of course Kimblee hovered around like the puppy he was. Maybe he should force the man to make other friends no matter how dangerous that might be; this was starting to get unhealthy. Archer paused when he noticed a form that had escaped him earlier and almost groaned. He'd deal with it tomorrow. "You were all over the place and more than usual. My 1st Lieutenant was complaining about you today for misfiling a few forms."

"I'm sexually frustrated."

"Blunt as always, I see."

"It's true." Kimblee smirked and came up behind Archer to wrap his arms around the mans shoulders and whispered in his ear. "And all because somebody's been dodging all of my advances."

"We've gone over this before, Kimblee." Archer sighed and slid his eyes to the side to look at the man's face hovering so very closely. The man's breath was warm. Archer steeled his voice. "I'm not interested."

"We'll have to fix that." Kimblee smiled and slid his hand down Archer's collar to find the snap to the first button. His hand was pulled away and Archer started to pull away. Kimblee frowned. "What's the problem?"

"You're not listening." Archer snatched up his folder of papers and threw his coat over his arm as he headed out of the room and into the empty hallways. "I will admit, you somehow weaseled your way into being my friend. And I would probably feel concern if something were to happen to you." Archer shrugged on his coat as he continued down the hallway. "That in itself is a small miracle."

"So why can't we keep the miracle going?" Kimblee trotted up behind Archer to dodge around in front. He was tired of hearing the same answers from the man. "You already admitted you cared, so why not take it to the next level?"

"Kimblee." Archer stopped. "This is the last time I'll say this so listen well." He waited for Kimblee's golden eyes to focus on his own before he continued. "You and I, will never be an item. That kiss so long ago was just to get your attention. It didn't mean anything. We're friends. That's all."

Kimblee disagreed.

Archer's papers clattered to the floor as Kimblee's mouth covered his own fiercely nipping and biting and forcing his own mouth open. His back slammed into the wall as the alchemist ground his hips so tightly into Archer's own that the wall to his back felt like it would give under the pressure. Kimblee's fingers were firmly pressed into the back of neck, thumbs pressing into his jaw. It was hot and desperate and Archer could feel Kimblee reaching out and rubbing, groping, and reaching for any reaction.

Archer felt nothing.

Kimblee pulled away to breath, his breaths labored, and rested his head against the wall. Archer was still beneath him and Kimblee kissed his cheek lightly. Archer didn't move, and his breaths were still as even and calm as they were when he sat behind a desk doing his paperwork. "Why, why can't we?"

"Kimblee," Archer started quietly. "How many people does it take to have sex?"

"Two." Kimblee mumbled. "There are two people right here."

Archer took the alchemist's shoulders and pressed up lightly to push the man off. He shook his head sadly and took a deep breath. "No, there aren't, Kimblee."

The Crimson Alchemist gripped his fists as Archer walked away from him down the hallway, papers still scattered on the floor. His heels clicked and clacked, echoing in the empty space off the cold white walls. Kimblee bit his lip to keep from screaming; he'd never felt like this before in his life. All of it; he hated all of it. The nauseating feeling of wanting to cry and scream and kill everyone he could find and just not feel this way anymore. Archer was making him lose his mind.

Kimblee turned to the floor and started to collect the papers into a neat stack. Now he just wanted to laugh. Archer had said those horrid things, pushed him away and stomped all over his heart and Kimblee was concerned about how he'd feel when he realized his papers were scattered on the floor. If Kimblee had known all those months ago what he'd turned into now, he would have blown Archer's insides all over the Devil's Nest walls and have been done with hit.

But for now, he'd just sleep at Tucker's and try and pretend that he hadn't turned into a damn girl.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to update one of my other fics sometime. They feel neglected.

 

Archer felt guilty.

Miracles just seemed to be happening one after another these days. Not only did Archer have one or two people that he would now consider friends, but he felt guilty. Over one of those said friends no less! Archer sighed and took a sip of warm coffee from his favorite cup and felt the metal bars of the cages dig into his back as he leant back on the stool. He scratched behind the ears of his favorite little chimera as he sat in the dank lab with Tucker fiddling away on State Alchemist watches at the desk. It was almost ironic he was trying to alleviate his guilt over one friend by spending time with the other.

"So, finally crushed him did we?" Tucker asked with a slight lift to his voice. Becoming Archer's psychiatrist was starting to become appealing bit by bit. Tucker hadn't realized how much he missed these talks until Archer was gone and busy with Kimblee for so long. "I can't imagine he took that well."

"Not a single explosion."

Tucker paused in his work and actually looked over towards Archer. His eyes widened slighlty and his mouth twitched in a slight chuckle. "Ouch. He really is depressed."

"He stopped showing up to work." Archer muttered and took another warm sip. "Or should I say he stopped staying. He reports in the morning and then leaves."

"I'd think you'd be happy for the free time and lack of disruption."

Archer laughed bitterly "You'd think that, but I actually feel quite bad about it."

"How so?" Tucker hummed.

Archer looked up from his cup at the chimera sitting at the desk. The man had stopped working completely and was giving him his full attention. It was nice to have someone to talk to who was discrete and cut off from society. "I think I rather dislike hurting his feelings."

"Then you should return them." Tucker shrugged. "You either respond the way he wants or hurt him. There's not much else to it."

"But I've tried." Archer groaned and touched his forehead with the glass and let the cool ice soothe his steadily developing headache. "I truly tried to return his feelings in my head. Nothing came of it. What's worse? Being turned down before anything happens or telling him 'sorry, it's not going to work' in the middle of something more," Archer paused. "Intimate."

Tucker lifted his eyebrows. "Ah, so you'd be fine with a platonic relationship but anything physical is out of the question?"

"Exactly." Archer slunk into his chair and looked at his glass again. He almost felt he should drinking something stronger than coffee for all the heartfelt confessions he was making. He needed to go out to the shooting range or yell at troops for an hour. For someone who had confirmed the fact he wasn't attracted to men, Archer was acting incredibly like a woman. "It's not that I haven't considered it. He just doesn't excite me the way he wants."

"I'm sure he'll try to prove you otherwise if you let him."

Archer snorted. "Trust me, I've _tried._ " Archer leant forward in emphasis. He may spill his feelings over the Crimson Alchemist, but he would not be detailing his private attempts to get it up, so to speak. Even before he realized Kimblee's affections, sleeping with the alchemist would have been beneficial to keeping him under control. Archer had considered that a long while ago, but it never got anywhere. Better to not perform at all than to fail to perform with a trigger happy, aroused bomb maniac. "It's not happening."

"So, if not for that you'd date him?" Tucker chuckled. Archer's age was showing. You'd never know he was planning war in his free time with all these relationship troubles.

Archer bit his lip and thought about it. Dating Zolf J. Kimblee. Archer set the cup down on the table thoughtfully and stood slowly. "Perhaps. For now though, I think I'll retire. I do enjoy these chats, Tucker. I'll come check on your progress with the watches and chimera at a later date."

Tucker watched as the Lieutenant Colonel started up the stairs and out of the dark lab. It seems their latest therapy session was at an end. Tucker chuckled to himself; there'd be hell to pay if Kimblee found out he and Archer had these little heart-to-hearts without him (or really anyone) knowing. It was almost amusing. Almost as amusing as Tucker realizing something very important. While he had never said anything, it was clear as day that Archer had a crush on Kimblee as well.

The Crimson Alchemist just didn't need to know it was platonic in nature.

* * *

It had been two days since Kimblee had pushed Archer against a wall and tried so desperately to get the man to respond. The warmth of his mouth and the feeling of his tongue was still burned into Kimblee's mind. It had tasted so good, but even Kimblee had noticed Archer's lack of participation. After he had set the man's papers on his desk, Kimblee had taken a very long walk outside to think. He'd never felt this way about anyone and it was starting to bother him. But facts were facts and Kimblee still liked Archer.

Archer just didn't like Kimblee back.

Not that Kimblee could understand why not! Kimblee kicked a can down the street and watched it dent as it smacked into a wall. They were made for each other. Archer had a love for war and bloodlust that rivaled Kimblee's own. The only possible difference was Archer actually cared about his own unit's lives. And even then it made sense! How can you slay more enemy troops if all of yours are dead? Its not like Archer had explosive alchemy circles tattooed on him...Kimblee's thoughts trailed off as he considered that. Archer would look good in alchemic circles. Kimblee growled and ran his hands through his hair.

What was he doing wrong? Why didn't Archer like him back? Kimblee slammed his fist into a wall. No. The Crimson Alchemist had enough. He'd tried for months to get Archer to respond and he got nothing but friendship. Kimblee took in a breath and clenched his fists. They had a war coming and Kimblee needed other things to think about. Archer was a lost cause and maybe it was time Kimblee gave up on him. A distraction. It would be the best thing for Kimblee to push these ridiculous emotions behind him for good.

Turning the corner into an alley, Kimblee smiled at the perfect opportunity to get started on his new frame of mind. A gang of misfits that nobody would miss was the perfect way to get Archer off his mind. The Alchemist chuckled as he slapped his fists together and felt the electric wave of power surge through his body. Who needed love when you could have this much fun?

The military was still trying to figure out how many people were actually killed from the sheer mess of blood, meat and limbs that Kimblee had left behind.

* * *

Archer groaned in his bath tub and sunk down into the warm water. He was disgusted with himself. Just because Tucker was a convenient ear to spill out his problems didn't mean that he should abuse it. Hell, he'd tried his best to block his attempts at jacking off to Kimblee out of his own head let alone telling others. The man dunked his head under the water and came up and smoothing his hair back. It was utterly embarrassing, that's what it was.

It wasn't that Kimblee wasn't handsome or entertaining company. In fact the man was rather effeminate in his own way. Archer just couldn't bring himself to get excited over a man. And bending over for Kimblee was not an option; his pride suffered enough admitting he cared about the man at all. If Archer was honest with himself, the only thing that had really moved him lately were his thoughts concerning that chimera woman. Archer shuddered; he feared for the world if Kimblee discovered that the woman had left an impression on Archer that deep.

She was a gorgeous woman. She was a miracle of science, a brilliant soldier, and a fine specimen of the female persuasion. The fire behind her eyes when she stared down Kimblee was still bored into his own mind. Archer sat up in the tub and tried to clear his mind. It was highly tempting to continue down that path and imagine her luscious curves and smooth movements in battle, but this Lieutenant Colonel needed to think of other things. He was in the bath to relax and think about his future actions concerning his troops and war.

The man reached over the side and pulled up the glass of brandy he had prepared before hand. He swore, Kimblee alone had caused Archer to drink three times more than he had before he met the fool. Archer took a sip and stared at the tile pattern in his wall. He needed a distraction to get this entire mess out of his head. He would miss his time with Kimblee to be sure, the man had somehow become a dear friend. Not that he would admit that out loud to anyone.

But, he didn't have time to linger. Mustang and Armstrong were making their moves. Liore was getting worse and worse every day and Archer needed to move now if he wanted to be a part of it. Whether or not Kimblee became a part of that effort was not even worth considering. Kimblee would be drawn to that war as easily as Archer himself.

It was the one thing they had in common.

Maybe Liore would repair their friendship and allow them to leave this whole romance business behind them.

* * *

"You're getting blood on my floor."

"There was already blood down there. How can you tell?"

Tucker sighed as his warning was ignored. Kimblee had come back to sulk and was sitting at his favorite table again. At least all the blood wasn't Kimblee's; Tucker was almost sure of that. As much as he enjoyed his conversations with Archer, playing mind doctor to Kimblee was another matter. At least tonight he had something fun to hold over the alchemist's head. It was time to avenge all his cute little chimera that suffered under that man's hands. "I'm surprised you're here. I'd think you'd still be ignoring the Lieutenant Colonel for his actions a few days ago."

"He told you?" Kimblee bit his lip and felt a slight trickle of his own blood drip down his cheek. This was not a conversation he wanted to have right now. He was trying to forget Archer; not talk about him.

Tucker hummed happily and played with the chain of a newly finished alchemist watch. "Yes, we had a rather nice chat about you."

"Did you." It wasn't a question.

"If it makes you feel better, it was nothing negative."

"I see."

"Yes, it was quite informative actually." Tucker smiled slightly and tapped the top of his desk with a sharp claw. The scientist in him wanted to see a reaction occur after testing a theory. It should prove to be interesting. "Want to know something interesting?"

Kimblee stared straight at the wall. He came to get his things and leave after taking a short rest. Not to converse with Tucker about a certain person he no longer had any interest. "Not really."

"You see the truth is," Tucker continued regardless with a slight smirk. Kimblee was listening. "Archer rather likes you, too."

Kimblee was sure his heart stopped.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Finally got a bit of motivation and managed to get out another chapter to for the increasingly soap-opera-ish fanfic. Thanks for reading, reviewing and putting up with my writer's block! :D

 

"Hey Flame."

Roy paused as he heard himself hailed by a familiar, unpleasant voice. The Colonel turned to see none other than the Crimson Alchemist standing at the threshold of his office. Thankfully the man knew better than to actual enter the office considering the looks he was getting from the man's staff. Riza looked ready to shoot him just for breathing. Roy tightened his grip on his papers when he turned to face the other man. "What do you want, Kimblee?"

"Just letting you know Archer's missing today's training with the unit." Kimblee smiled and stuck his hands in his pockets, the rolled up sleeves brushing his jacket. "He'd tell you himself, but he got busy all of a sudden." Kimblee whistled. "Something about a gang murder downtown involving alchemy. Tons of paperwork."

"That I'm sure you had no part in." Roy practically snarled. Kimblee was practically bragging the way he stood and smiled.

"Nope. I've been a very good boy." Kimblee smirked and turned on his heels with a deceptively friendly wave. "And now that I've done my job, I'll be leaving."

"Be sure not to come back."

Kimblee snickered as he heard the office behind him burst into activity, obviously discussing his visit. That was fine, they could gossip like hens all they wanted. Kimblee was just happy part one of his plan was complete. Archer was a vital part of his schedule for the evening, and he doubted the obsessive man would appreciate an unexcused absence on his record.

The Alchemist had taken to heart what Tucker had shared with him the other day when Kimblee was on the brink of giving Archer up. The giant chimera had shared that Archer liked Kimblee but was unable to cope with those feelings and was confused. The soldier's head was muddled with thoughts of how it would affect his work life and aspirations for power. He was torn between two very important aspects of his future and didn't know which way to turn.

Things had finally clicked into place for Kimblee.

He almost hit himself for not realizing it sooner! Kimblee could care less about his rank or what other soldiers thought of him so it never occurred to him that Archer would be worried about such things. Though, he really should have considered that earlier when one remembers how hard Archer was working to earn ranks and progress forward. Kimblee smiled to himself as he looked up at the clock; Archer would be leaving to instruct his unit in about two hours. Not that he was going, of course, Kimblee thought to himself.

His plan was fool proof. Kimblee would corner Archer in a room he had prepared ahead of time to keep the man from escaping again that was far away from the military base. Once he freed the man of all concern for his rank and the opinion of his peers, they would have sex. A lot of sex. Kimblee had months of abstinence plaguing him that Archer was going to relieve.

Whether he wanted to or not.

Kimblee whistled to himself. If Archer proved to be more stubborn than he anticipated, the Crimson Alchemist would hit him in the head and continue on without him. Harsh, he knew, but the man had it coming for all this damn playing hard to get! Archer was going to accept his own feelings for the alchemist one way or another. Kimblee smiled. It was going to be a gloriously good day.

* * *

Archer sat at his desk browsing the usual paperwork and humming to himself slightly. His secretary had brought him a cup of tea (that he hadn't had to ask for, no less) and the office was running smoothly today. Kimblee seemed to be sulking less than usual which gave Archer hopes for rekindling their somewhat friendship. He did hate to admit that he missed the man stumbling underfoot, but it could not be helped.

The man looked up at the clock after a moment and realized he had a set of papers to deliver before the hour was out. He stood up from his desk and nodded at his subordinates before heading out the door towards the end of the hallway. Delivering the papers took no time at all and Archer was soon headed towards the training fields. He wanted to check some of the equipment before he got back to the office and planned the training routine for this afternoon's session.

He was unaware, however, of the eyes watching him from the air ducts of the building.

Marta smirked to herself as she watched "Lieutenant Colonel Archer" walk down the secluded hallway and towards the outside. Things couldn't have gone better if she planned it and him leaving the building would make things so much easier. Using a hostage to draw out and disable Kimblee was a less honorable tactic, but then again- the goal was to make the bastard suffer. Following along slowly in the ducts, Marta made her way towards the side of the building and waited for her chance in the shadows.

Archer turned the corner of the building only to be yanked by the neck backwards into the bushes next to the building. There was something soft and warm around his neck (an arm he believed) bent in an unusual fashion holding him tight to a firm body. With round, soft breasts. Safe for the knife point digging into the underside of his chin, it was not all that unpleasant. "Ms. Marta, I take it?"

"Huh, so the traitor told you my name did he?" Marta sneered and pushed the knife in just a little closer to draw a single drop of blood. "Not that it matters much, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer."

"Ah, so introductions won't be necessary." Archer smiled pleasantly over his shoulder, eyes trying to see her face. Her eyes were fierce with a bloodlust Archer had only seen on the battlefield and her lips were pressed into a scowl. It was the epitome of a battle hardened soldier with the soft touch of a woman. Archer was smitten. "It is nice to see you again."

"Silence." Marta hissed and pulled back on her haunches to get the man on his knees. "As of right now, consider yourself hostage."

"That is a shame." Archer smirked. "I had been hoping our second meeting would be more congenial than the first."

"Don't bother with the smooth talking or charisma. I've known your type before and it won't work." Marta dragged him up and kept close to the wall. She had an exit planned in the back. "I'm going to use you to kill Kimblee and that's all there is to it. Speak again and you die."

Archer had to think on his feet as the two walked backwards. The woman was far stronger than she looked and the knife was still at his throat. Making General would be an impossibility if he was dead. She pulled him tighter against herself to conceal them when a few sergeants passed by on the sidewalk. Archer swallowed thickly as his skin burned in every place where their bodies met.

The lack of control of his own body was infuriating, yet he couldn't help but enjoy the rough treatment by such a figure. It was exhilarating and Archer couldn't help himself. "You're rather beautiful up close."

"What did I just tell you?"

"It was merely a compliment, Ms. Marta." Archer took a chance and struck his elbow in her side as hard as he could to flip himself around. She reacted quickly enough and had the knife at his throat yet again. "What are you trying to pull? You really think you can beat special ops?"

"Of course not," Archer shrugged and felt the knife scratch his chin. "I happen to find you attractive, and since that does not happen often I felt I should express it."

Marta growled and slammed a fist in the man's gut. The exhale of air was instant and he very nearly doubled over. "Do not patronize me."

"I would never." Archer wheezed out and looked up. He was surely losing his mind, but he had a few good reasons to do what he was about to do. For starters, it would distract the woman from Kimblee. Second, she was going to kill him anyway when this was all over so what did he have to lose? Third, it would probably distract her from the killing part entirely.

So Archer went for it, consequences be damned.

* * *

Kimblee was starting to feel like his life was a broken record when he was _once again_ hunting around the building for Archer. It's not like his plans couldn't be postponed for an hour or two since it was going to take all night anyway, but it would be nice to actually find the man where he was supposed to be. At least this time, a soldier had seen the man walking outside. That saved Kimblee the trouble of searching the building. When Kimblee rounded the corner, he had been expecting to see a great deal of things. Bushes, shadows, sergeants running around, a dog maybe?

Archer kissing that bitch Marta while she had a knife shoved in the man's shoulder?

Not so much.

It wasn't even a normal kiss either. Archer had his tongue in her mouth and his leg between her thighs. Kimblee wasn't sure what he was more angry about at the moment. It was a white noise had settled over his entire being torn between ripping apart Marta for stabbing Archer or placing all his pretty explosive alchemy seals on Archer for kissing that woman instead of him. With jealousy and over-protectiveness swimming together into his head, the result was strangely euphoric and Kimblee was experiencing a new sort of anger.

"Hey." Kimblee shouted not caring in the slightest who saw them. It's not like it matters much when the alchemist had every intention of blowing many things up. "What the hell is going on?"

"Shi-" Archer managed to catch himself. "Kimblee?" He ventured as he looked behind him. His shoulder was aching from where Marta had stabbed him (my she was feisty), but a new chill had run down his spine. This wasn't like the incident with Mustang where it was clearly an accident and by the look on the other man's face – he was beyond pissed. "Just stay calm, Kimblee."

Kimblee looked between the two of them. First things first, figure out where the blame went and decide just how badly Archer needed to be punished. "Did you kiss her or she kiss you?"

Marta hissed with a slight blush to her cheeks. Greed was the last person to be so forward with his misplaced affections and it was having an affect on her head. She whipped Archer back around and replaced the knife from out of his shoulder and back into the chin. "It hardly matters. Because the two of you are going to die."

"I doubt it." Kimblee slammed his hands together. "But at _least_ one person is going to die today."

Archer pressed back into Marta at the accented 'at least' and glare coming from those golden eyes. Kimblee was definitely pissed. "We should move."

Marta dodged to the left and rolled on the ground with Archer when Kimblee shot forward and slammed into the wall. She watched as the color of the wall changed and started to spark with the chemical reaction. He was blowing up the walls of his own base. Every guard in the compound was going to be on them like flies to honey. "Is he crazy!?"

"I've come to find the answer to that as 'yes.'" Archer muttered as he struggled to get up and get as far away as possible. Sure the woman was attractive but he wasn't going to sit here and _die_ for her! Archer, however, did not get the chance as his collar was yanked from the back by a familiar pale hand. "Kim-"

The alchemist didn't give Archer a chance to finish and instead decked him hard enough in the face to send him crumbling to the ground. If he let the man talk he'd forget he was angry with him just like all those other times. Archer needed to be taught a lesson about fucking with his feelings. "Stay down and shut up. I'll be with you in a minute. If you move, I will kill you."

Archer rubbed his now bleeding lip with the back of his hand but did as told. A strange calm had fallen down over Kimblee and for once, Archer realized that for once, Kimblee was not bluffing about his threats. The shock that washed over him was enough to distract him from the fight that had started behind him and all he could do was stare at the grass.

Marta, as a soldier, knew the downfall of those who fought by their emotions. However, she was going to give credit to the shear force and anger that was behind Kimblee. He wasn't mocking her, he wasn't screaming or joking, or even laughing. Marta felt a tiny shiver of fear. This was Kimblee when he was serious. The woman had to stretch farther than normal to dodge a stream of shrapnel from the latest explosion. "Are you trying to take down the entire building?"

Kimblee didn't bother answering.

Archer pushed himself up onto his knees and watched as the side yard of the building burst into fire and pieces of debris. He vaguely heard whistles and rifles cocking behind him and rushing into stop Kimblee and Marta's fight. They were knocked aside like rag dolls between the two seasoned fighters. Archer wondered if he should leave the scene now while he still could, but remembered the alchemist's threat and stayed put.

What a mess this had become.

"Enough!" A loud cry shot out through the field and all motion stopped due to the booming voice.

Archer's eyes widened as he turned to his side and looked up to see none other than Führer Bradley standing there, eyes stern and body dripping with authority. And Archer was on the ground with a split lip and a shoulder wound. He wasn't sure if he was scared for his life or humiliated. "Sir…"

"Quiet Archer." Bradley walked forward to the two heavily breathing soldiers and motioned his arms. "Take the woman into custody."

Marta attempted to run but Kimblee made a dive and caught her leg. If he was going down she was coming with him! The resulting stumble was enough for the mass of Bradley's guard to restrain her. The woman hissed and struggled but went limp when a needle was shoved into her throat. Kimblee didn't smirk as her eyes started to droop shut and that was when she really got scared.

"As for you two," the man continued. "In my office. Now."

As the man stalked off, Kimblee walked back over to Archer's side and held out a hand. There was a hesitation to take it and Kimblee sighed and just grabbed Archer's uninjured arm and pulled him up. He was still angry, to be sure, but seeing that split lip and blood drenched shoulder just made Kimblee tired. "I think I deserve an explanation."

"Perhaps you do." Archer sighed and winced as the pain in his shoulder returned with all of his distractions gone and adrenaline levels returning to normal. "If we are even granted the chance after this little disaster."

For once, Kimblee agreed and followed after the proud man as they walked towards the Führer's office.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha, it's been a while, ne? Sorry about that, but writing in general's been going a little slow for me. Thankfully, thanks to a certain someone Archer got added to the character list here at and I felt the need to update. So - tada! And just b/c it's been so long it's a long chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading, reviewing and putting up with my lateness!

 

"Destruction of property, failure to report an intruder, injuries to your fellow soldiers and suspected counts of murder are just the top of the list. I have half a mind to have the both of you discharged and thrown in prison for the rest of your miserable lives," Bradley paused and glared at the two men still in shambles sitting in his office. They were covered in dirt and Archer was still bleeding through the makeshift bandage Kimblee had thrown on while they were sitting in the hall. The Führer laced his fingers together and leant forward. "However."

Both men took a breath awaiting their punishment: One dreading the response with every fiber in his being and the other waiting for an opening to blow something up and sprint.

"Since I have just announced to the committee your promotion to Colonel, Archer, I feel that would make my decisions look faulty and incapable." The elder man watched Archer's eyes widen and he smirked. The poor little puppet had no clue. Kimblee's eyes had gotten pretty wide themselves and Bradley allowed himself a small smile. "Therefore, as far as I'm concerned this was merely an accident involving a misplaced gas line."

"Sir." Archer saluted and elbowed Kimblee's arm to get him to do the same for both of their sakes. This was a one time offer of forgiveness and he would not screw it up! "We are truly grateful for your judgment."

Bradley leant back in his chair and smiled warmly despite the ice in his voice. "Now when you leave, I expect you to not let this nonsense happen again, is that clear?"

"Sir!" Archer repeated and waited for his dismissal, still rigid at attention.

Bradley looked up from his cup of tea at the two men who were causing more trouble than they were worth. It was a good thing he had plans for them. "Throw that chimera woman in a cage in that lab of yours while you're at it and I don't want to see her out again unless she's been tamed, understood?"

"Sir!"

"Dismissed."

Archer dropped his arm and turned on his heel to swiftly leave the room, Kimblee quick at his heels. The moment he was out of the door and heard it click shut behind him, Archer fell into the nearest chair and let out the hiss of pain he'd been holding in. Even the sheer relief that he wasn't to be court marshaled could make the ache in his shoulder dissipate. He pressed the fabric farther into the wound to try and quell the blood flow. "Damn, that was lucky."

Kimblee silently agreed and blew a bit of loose hair out of his face. It was amazing how getting yelled at in an office can calm previous righteous fury. That and Archer was looking particularly pathetic sitting in that chair with dirt on his uniform and blood seeping through the torn undershirt they had used to cover his shoulder. Even his hair was falling out of place. "We should get that looked at."

"Yes, I am feeling a tad light headed." Archer stood slowly and began his walk down the hallway. He shifted his eyes over to Kimblee to try and judge the man's face. It was drawn into a frown and his gold eyes were dull from exhaustion. Archer couldn't help the sting that pinched at his chest; 'drained' was not an expression that should grace Kimblee's face. The words stumbled out of his mouth before he could help himself. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Kimblee shoved his hands into his pockets. He smothered the tiny bit of excitement that started to bubble upward. There was a small chance Archer was only scared about being murdered, so the Alchemist chose to remain skeptical. "Be specific."

Archer sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. Was he sorry he kissed Marta? Not really. Was he sorry he didn't return Kimblee's affections? Possibly, but just as unlikely. He wasn't really sure he was sorry about _anything_ he did specifically. It was like a jumble of everything together that caused this inevitable feeling of guilt. "I'm sorry you're hurting."

"That's it?"

Archer sighed. "It's complicated, I guess."

"Complicated? There aren't that many things you could be sorry about." Kimblee stopped in the hallway and for the moment was thankful it was empty. He wanted to do some yelling. "You're not sorry for playing with my feelings even though I like you so very much?"

Archer blinked. "Wha-"

"You're not sorry," Kimblee cut him off and felt his own voice rising with his anger, "you kissed that woman even though you're in love with me?"

Two and two were not equaling four at the moment. Archer lifted an eyebrow- when did he ever tell Kimblee he loved him? "What are you talking about?"

"You don't have to hide it!" Kimblee growled and gripped his fists together so hard they were bleeding. He was pissed at Archer; he was pissed at Marta, and he was pissed at himself for getting so corny and emotional. "Tucker told me all about it! I don't get you! Are you that desperate to hide your feelings that you'd make out with that, that thing!?"

Archer gaped. That information was confidential! Archer was going to strangle that Chimera. "Tucker told you? That bastard…I'm going to kill him."

"No." Kimblee stalked over to Archer and lowered his voice. "I'm glad he told me since you won't. It's nice to be filled in. Why didn't you just tell me? Believe it or not I would have understood."

"That hardly excuses _him_ for telling you about my erectile dysfunction! It was not his place to do so!" Archer hissed.

"Your what?" Kimblee's eyes shot open and it was like his entire emotional slate was wiped clean. That…was not something the alchemist expected to hear. "You can't get it up?"

Archer paled, and this time it wasn't from the ever increasing blood loss. It was becoming increasnigly clear that Tucker may not have told Kimblee about his problem in specifics. Archer couldn't help the stutter. "Wh-what did Tucker tell you?"

Kimblee spoke very slowly as a grin wormed his way on his face. Archer was slowly and steadily turning red as a beat; it was adorable. "He said you loved me back but didn't want to date me for fear of getting thrown out of the army. Somehow I think what you actually told him is way more interesting."

"I-" Archer began to respond but started to notice little black spots. Ah yes, what wonderful timing – and for once he wasn't being facetious. Passing out would solve his dilemma quite nicely. Archer blinked again and realized his vision was fading completely; and all he could see where two very amused golden eyes. Which, was much better than dull, depressed eyes. Amused, they were actually quite pretty. "Don't feel so good…"

Archer hit the ground with a thud and Kimblee rolled his eyes. Like something as insignificant as medical attention was going to deter the alchemist from this juicy bit of information.

But first he had to get the man out of the hallway. Kimblee tried not to enjoy carrying Archer over his shoulder _too_ much.

* * *

Tucker was sweating through his fur.

The tension in his lab couldn't have gotten any thicker if you had filled the room with pea soup. He had a crazy special ops snake chimera sitting on the bed created for her all those weeks ago (her heavy restraints giving Tucker no comfort), a cage full of Archer's chimera huddled together in fear of Marta, Archer himself sitting on a stool shirtless and wounds wrapped absently petting his favorite chimera (who he had let out) and Kimblee sitting cross-legged on a table looking for all the world like the cat that ate the canary.

Maybe his little experiment hadn't been such a good idea after all.

"Must we hold this conversation here?" Archer nearly whined as his face continued to remain red. Ms. Marta was sitting no less than a few yards away from him and this conversation involved her. It was embarrassing enough on its own! Damn that Kimblee. Sensing his bad mood, the small chimera laid down on the ground under the table.

"Nope." Kimblee glared. He'd gotten shoved around enough; it was _his_ turn to be in charge, dammit! Kimblee turned back to the giant lying Chimera and tilted his head to try and get a better look at that upside-down head. "Now, why don't you tell us what Archer _really_ told you about his feelings concerning me, Tucker?"

Tucker looked over at Archer's scowling face and swallowed thickly. "I don't…"

"Speak."

"He likes you but he can't get it up for you. He's scared of not being able to perform in bed should you get together…" Tucker whispered softly. "Not those exact words, but close enough."

"That explains why Archer kept pushing me away, but not the Marta thing." Kimblee waved his finger. "Care to explain that?"

"I don't actually know…" Tucker shied away closer to his equipment. Maybe if he was quiet enough, he could sneak back to Nina when Kimblee finally looked away. "She was never mentioned."

Marta, in the meantime, was rolling her eyes. Couldn't they have just killed her? Did she really have to sit here and listen to this relationship garbage? Marta would have expressed said opinion, but she was gagged. And there were pink pillows on her bed. Pink! Marta pulled against her straight jacket and sighed at yet again being unable to budge the thing. Life sucked.

"Your turn." Kimblee turned on the table to face the ever-increasingly adorable, sulking Archer. The man was so out of his element injured and embarrassed that the Crimson Alchemist couldn't help but feel giddy. "If you like me so much, why'd you kiss Marta?"

Archer glared. He wanted to respond "It's none of your business" but in fact, it was very much Kimblee's business. Archer mumbled out a small reply too quiet for anyone to hear. Kimblee slapped his hands together with an evil grin and Archer gulped fearing for both the cute chimera under the table who was well within reach and his own personal safety. It seems his good mood was misleading. Archer answered a smidgeon louder this time. "She," he paused for the right words, "excited me."

Kimblee grinned; jealousy be damned this was just too funny. Archer could have competed with a tomato for brightest red. "Be more specific."

"Dammit, Kimblee!" Archer hit the table with his fist. "I haven't felt a thing for anybody in years and when I saw Ms. Marta I got excited and I acted on it. And now that I'm thoroughly embarrassed about having to admit that, are you happy?"

"Not really." Kimblee muttered and indulged in a bit of sulking himself.

"For the love of." Archer buried his head into this arms and winced when his wound pulled against the sutures. (Tucker was yet again proving his usefulness despite his latest disaster with Kimblee). "The attraction was purely physical. I had a reaction and I was weak. What more do you want?"

"To know why I didn't do it for you and she did." Kimblee huffed childishly. "We both love war and killing things. I could have sworn that did it for you."

Archer looked up at Kimblee and slid his eyes over to Marta in the cage. She was now also red (Wouldn't you, if you were being talked in such a distasteful fashion? She was still a lady.) and embarrassed. "Kimblee, she's flexible, deadly and blonde with pert breasts. You're missing those last two."

Tucker snickered in the corner softly to himself. Kimblee's face was hilarious. The chimera shut up however when the Alchemist glared at him. He definitely needed an excuse to sneak out of the room and tend to his Nina.

"So you're saying if I had tits and blonde hair you'd do me?" Kimblee questioned.

"No" Archer sighed and rubbed his face trying to imagine Kimblee in such a fashion. "That would be just weird. You'd make a terrible woman."

"Then what do you want?" Kimblee muttered.

"Right now?" Archer looked up at the other man. Maybe, a little honest might do him some good. Injuring his own price was a small price to pay for the emotional roller coaster Kimblee's been riding; insane or not. "I just don't want you to leave."

Kimblee bit his lip and looked over his shoulder at Tucker and Marta. One chimera was still snickering and the other looked like she had found a whole new reason to want all of them dead. Maybe it was time for a little bit of privacy. "Oy, show's over. Get out and drug her on your way."

Archer watched with just a slight bit of amusement as Tucker hurried out of the corner with a needle towards Ms. Marta's confines. She struggled but was out like a light moments after being injected while the big alchemist escaped into a back room to his precious Nina. Kimblee must have done something to scare the hell out of him while Archer was unconscious. "You couldn't have sent them out for the embarrassing part of this conversation?"

"This is the embarrassing part." Kimblee lifted an eyebrow. "Guy your age having trouble getting it up's nothing special. Guy with your pride admitting he needs somebody…" Kimblee shrugged. "Little different."

Archer laughed despite himself. This entire situation was insane. "I guess."

Kimblee pushed off the table to sit on a stool next to Archer. He kicked the stool next to him to send the dog-chimera scurrying off to the other side of the room before giving Archer a pointed look and waited for him to continue speaking. Those blue eyes wouldn't meet his face, but they did soften slightly.

"It's been a long time." Archer started slowly. "Since I've enjoyed the company of well, anyone." Kimblee continued to look strangely thoughtful and Archer wondered if the apocalypse was coming. The newly promoted Colonel continued regardless. "And now that I know how nice it can be to 'hang out' as it were, with someone whose company I enjoy, I fear going back to a life of solitude.

"I guess in a way," Archer continued, "if we were lovers I could avoid that loneliness but the truth is, I'd much rather have the friend."

"And friends with benefits is out, because?" Kimblee waved a hand in the air.

"I explained that. Don't make me say it again."

"Fine." Kimblee leant forward and looked at Archer again. Fact is, Kimblee wanted to be selfish. "What if I were to say we either stayed together as lovers or not at all?"

"Bargaining are we?"

"It's been a long time for you, but I've never felt this way about anyone." Crimson tilted his head back. Archer still wouldn't look at him. "And we all know I'm a selfish prick."

Archer looked the other man over from the corner of his eye. "You're bluffing. You wouldn't leave."

Kimblee looked at Archer and smirked. "You got me."

"I figured as much." Archer was tired. Between Marta, the Führer, Kimblee and the rest of the mess going on today he just wanted to go home and take a nap. Maybe when he woke up things would make sense: Kimblee would be his friend and drinking companion and they'd be off to war together. Not arguing like teenagers over their feelings.

"I was going to rape you today."

Archer paused and very slowly looked over at the Crimson alchemist. A calm had washed over the other man and Archer was suddenly reminded that Kimblee was indeed more than a love-sick fool: he was a homicidal bomb alchemist. It was funny the times people chose to remember traits of other people they had locked away in their minds. "Excuse me?"

"Before Marta over there attacked, I was looking for you." Kimblee started to peel off his jacket. "The plan was to convince you I could keep our relationship a secret from the army and then proceed to bang you into a desk accordingly."

It was almost frightening how calmly Kimblee was talking. Considering how their emotions had covered the entire spectrum in the last twenty-four hours he shouldn't be too surprised. Maybe someone spiked their water with something… "And if I still refused?"

"Like I said, I'd just do it anyway." Kimblee shrugged. "If you really want to know, the only thing that's keeping me from doing it now is your shoulder wound."

"How comforting." Archer sighed and rested his chin in his hand. "So what made my bum so interesting again?"

"It's attached to you?"

Archer laughed. Kimblee's eyes had been so wide and almost innocent when he replied that Archer couldn't help himself. The Colonel wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at the moment. A war-obsessed Colonel with no sex drive and a homicidal, lunatic of an alchemist – together. "We are the most screwed up couple on the face of the planet."

Kimblee paused before letting a small smirk join the corner of his mouth. He stretched his arms out languidly and let one fall around Archer's shoulders. "So, we're a couple then are we?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really."

"Than yes, I guess we are."

It wasn't completely the reaction Kimblee had wanted, but sitting here quietly in the lab surrounded by freaks of nature and bloodied floors, it was good enough.


End file.
